I am currently alone but I keep on thinking "leave me alone"
I am so ******* sad
I don't even know why
I sound like a whiny teenager
I need this to be over
I've been feeling this non-feeling for years now
I don't use the word depressed
because my feelings seems so shallow to be diagnosed as something so real and heavy.
I tell myself that a lot.
I compare my pain to other people's pain and I feel like I don't have the right to be depressed.
I know it's a bad thing to do.
And one thing is, I can never harm myself much less push myself on the verge of death
But I think about it almost every day
Whenever I am allowed to think
I think dangerous thoughts
I think about thinking of dying
I know I'll never do it
but somehow I still wonder
what if
what if
what if