I want to disappear and never surface
I want to wake up and not feel
I want to smile without an aching heart

Was this heart broken by me or had the world crumbled it's light?

I see the mirage of a future, a vibrant past but as I look around I see nothing but the blurry depths of the sea, currents pulling and pushing, water forcefully rushing down my throat, filling my chest as I struggle in reflex.

It was such a cold night, too cold to be alone.

I am a failure, one who'd given up on life and was given up upon and as my body sinks deeper into this dark abyss I prayed to God for warmth.

There were days I felt relief under the torrential rain, some, light headedness as sun rays kissed my skin. I was made euphoric with simple pleasures. And in that degree, I felt pain all the same.

I resigned to the sinking of my body and the lost of sight on this lonely path but just as much I was desparate for salvation.

With effort, I came up and was washed upon the shores. It was cold, too cold. Water came out of my nose and I coughed and heaved.

I have come a long way.
Those endless nights spent clouding the mind
to a comfortable blindness
where I did not have to witness
the war at my own front door.

I have come a long way.
Locked in fear I could not communicate
with my foreign tongue;
learned that good company
was the mere salute of open arms.

Learned to swallow breath
as I once did pills, *****, and cigarettes
to find that patient calm.
Chemicals promise anaesthesia;
only pain is left when supplies are gone.

I have come a long way
from the departure lounge,
staring at heaving grey skies
and contriving a paradise
no one could hope to find.

Walked suicidal through
tourist-lit streets of central Bangkok.
Half-drunk I wondered why
I continued to breathe;
why my heart refused to stop.

I have come a long way
from believing happiness
is a steady state you can attain
through time-lapse images of victories
and failures you forgot.

Fell in love with an older woman
who would sleep beside me
when she could not see her son.
Through nights of *** and amphetamine
she would sway through each melody

even when the meaning was lost.
Taught me how to speak Thai in the moonlight,
left food on the handles of my motorbike
when I was too hungover
to face the day.

I have come a long way.
Travelled 6000 miles to learn
that home  means anything
from a constant pleasure
to some happy accident.

That love is not pillow-talk;
it’s the rain on the windshield
that gives shelter from the storm.
That truth is not what you hope to find.
but the words that you meant;

fractions of yourself
you could never leave behind.
I have come a long way.
I have made love in enough hotel rooms
to tell you the ashes of yesterday

can be both the aftermath of a flame
you cannot replace
and the fertile ground
to change your name
and start over again.

I have come a long way.
I am still my worst enemy.
Every day is still a fight;
each moment filled with darkness
when I cannot see the light.

I have come a long way.
Stood brave in the entryway
of every opened door.
Made a toast for all the people I could be;
all of the people I have been before.

Oh sweet child,
Give me your best poker face
One void of any emotion
Show the world
that there's a walking doll

As you try to conceal
that heat beneath your eyes,
the air crackles in your wake
your seductive scent lingers
with that alluring aloofness

Why won't you do it right?

Tell me now how you see yourself

"I saw her in the mirror
Our eyes clashed
She was but a nightmare in clear sight
My blood boiled with hatred
Even the slightest hint of beauty
turned molten
Hideous, terrifying, disgusting
there was nothing else,
nothing left to be seen"

Turn back around now love
look carefully into those eyes
see how pitiful they are
You broke your own heart
over and over
cursed yourself to the devil
and ****** the light to beyond.

You did it child,
You dirtied your hands

Nothing can hurt you now
not when the worst is done
not when the worst is felt
not when the worst is seen
not when it is known
not when it's been inflicted
and concealed

We know love,
we know all about it
about that experession that you show
and the secrets that you hide

No one will know,
no one else can hurt you
no one sweet sweet child.