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halfheartedsoul Mar 2017
It was as though I was afraid of living. I feared loving and being loved and when there was no one left and I was truly alone that this safe space became a bottomless vacuum, suffocating and toxic.

I was unsettled and anxious, caped and wrapped beneath the vast morning sky. And like a parable the dark clouds came and shifted at incredible speed before my eyes. It was as though the sun filtered past my lashes and through my mind, I was conscious and tingly warm.

I looked around at people bustling through the streets and suddenly I was dragged and pulled at. Strangely I wasn't screaming aloud but it was her that I heard, the girl who relentlessly banged on the walls of my quiescent heart.

And as I closed my eyes I returned into a construed box, sealed by my bare hands.

I was naked and ***** with fire in my eyes and nothing to my name.

The frustration built, temptation sung like a lullaby by the strongest of the Sirens. I was within and beside myself, lost in an aphotic wonderland, sitting beneath a tree neither in rest nor resignation but with indolence and disgust.

Help me, help me, help me I screamed but my body stayed abeyant as though waiting to be relieved by the death I knew I wouldn't be welcomed by.

The conflict within me rose and like an infant frustrated by a hat I tore at my body and soul.

I was awoken.

I was naked.

With scars, bruises, sins and nothing else but foam to my name.

So help me God, give me the strength and will to move. So help me God, give me the determination and motivation to live. Help me, I cry, lying in the same corner from the day before.
  Jan 2016 halfheartedsoul
Thushena
1) When her boyfriend sticks his tongue down your throat, do not kiss back. Push him away, then swallow down the bile that's threatening to spill out of your soft lips. Take off, run, and never look back. Some boys like to play dangerous games; but darling, you are not a toy.

2) The boy next door with the tanned skin and earthy brown eyes will whisper beautiful things to you. Sad things, loving things, things that will make the blood rush to your cheeks in raging streams. Don't believe the words that tumble out of his mouth baby; most people never really mean what they say. But that's life, and it'll be okay.

3) Be strong, be bold, be unafraid of the world and all the people in it. Always, always speak your mind and pounce to action when injustice creeps up on you. Challenge him when he questions you, hurl facts and opinions like darts until he recedes with shame. Whenever you feel rage and anger spreading like wildfire through your heart, speak up. Your words matter. You matter.

4) You are beautiful. You have always been beautiful, and you need to believe that you are. Even if the magazines don't appreciate your wide hips or your glowing brown skin; dark and soft like honey, learn how to love yourself. This body is the only home you'll have in this lifetime, so my darling, learn how to embrace every scar, freckle and mole. You are made out of the same atoms that formed Frida Kahlo and Picasso. You are art and you need to have faith in that.

5) It's okay to eat dinner on your own. Or lunch. Or breakfast for that matter. There is no shame in solitude. Go to a quaint cafe; and observe the sights and sounds around you. Take note of the smell of fresh coffee hanging hot and heavy in the air. You are by yourself and free to be who you really are.  It is a lovely feeling. Revel in it, my love. When you finally leave, you will realize that you've just learned how to be okay on your own.

6) If someday you wake up and start to see the world in greys, please, please come to me first. I will hold you and we'll take a long drive to nowhere with your favourite mix-tape playing in the car. I will remind you that the only way out is through, and that the demons in your mind are most definitely not stronger than you. I will tell you how much this world needs you so it can heal, how staying alive is a much better deal. I will tell you that I love you, then kiss your forehead, and promise to do everything I can, until your universe stops playing out in shades of blue.
halfheartedsoul Jan 2016
I found warmth,
in water that scalds.

I found love,
in books that move.

I found reality,
in marks that scars.

I found joy,
in comedy and satirists.

I found utter devastation,
in this heart that won't stop beating.
halfheartedsoul Jan 2016
It hurts,
it aches,
it wrecks me whole.

No soul must know,
no soul can know.

But the pain is eating me whole,
inch by inch,
till darkness overwhelms my bones.

I bawled and I clawed,
at the flesh on my arms,
On my thighs,
Steaming hot water running down my chest,
Eyes full of hatred,
Tears full of despair,
Then I waited,
Hugging my knees under the cold shower,
For the marks to subside.

When I stood,
Water cascaded peacefully down my arms
My hands covered my ears,
And echos consumed me,
Memories started playing,
Images haunting and voices screaming.

It was suffocating,
So suffocating,
My head started banging against the cold tiles
But everything was clear,
The reason of all the pain,
Was a map that leads to me.

I crumbled yet again under the shower,
Voices rise in merry right out that door,
And I wailed a soundless plea of help,
Chanting their names like they'd turn and reach for me,
Like everything will be fine after.

But nothing will be fine,
Nothing will be fine at all.

I picked myself up,
Scrubbed myself down,
And stared at the mirror,
A smile plastered on,
staring right into my eyes,
And I smiled wider,
Grinned on the way to my room,
Smiled in the mirror and laughed,
Laughed as hard as I could,
And went about my day.
halfheartedsoul Dec 2015
My hand is stained.

I see it no matter,
I feel it regardless.

The hatred runs deep,
the violence boils beneath.

In a mask for the mass,
humour was the course.

In a platter for the rest,
a distortion was forced.

Depravity a mistake,
Society a joke,
Pain a fortune.

You've seen nothing here,
You've heard nothing.

Turn around,
away from me,
so I can be free.

"Nothing has been, Nothing is to be."

Blood dripping down my eyes,
yet another soul I spurned.

Another step you took,
away from me,
and another,
and another,
I hear you loud and clear,
I get you more than any other.

I've embraced you a million times in my mind,
this,
is you embracing me.
halfheartedsoul Oct 2015
You're the only piece of security,
and I long for your arms around me,
the love,
the comfort,
the understanding.

Yet I'm shaking on the hard floor,
back against the wall,
bawling my heart out,
gasping for air,
as I tighten my jaw to rein my voice in.
halfheartedsoul Oct 2015
You'd cry if I told you.

So I sealed the emotions from my eyes,
swallowed my heart
and swore myself to eternal secrecy.
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