I have come back
Wiser
Real
Full
Whole

I am no longer the me that existed before.
I am no longer the me that was hollow.

I am new.
It is so clear,
I am new

Sad day today for all people everywhere
take time for yourselves please
self care is warfare

open your eyes
to your own horrible nature

When you look at me
you don't see me
you never have.
You have always used me
as a blank slate
on which to paint
whichever picture
makes you feel better.

I have been
a friend
a love
a source of unconditional support
a fool who couldn't stop thinking about you
a jealous girl
a person uglier than you
someone who will always be there to smile
someone to deny
someone to better
someone to trivialize when you feel trivial.

But never
have I ever been
just me.

And now it's too late
for you to see the real me,
for I am now covered in your paint.

Hi
I like you a lot
I hope that's okay

Her why are you sad, you didn't like him anymore?"
Me *Its complicated okay?
Her *how? Tell me *

I don't know how to explain it.

Because I thought that he broke up with me just because it wasn't working, not because something better was on the horizon.
Because they're both  my friends and I feel like they didn't really care about me at all, only enough to keep it a secret. Lie behind my back.
Because, I feel like this whole time he just wanted to get in my pants and I moved too slow.

The whiteness of my legs
Against the hard grey of the rock beneath them.
The skinniness of my white legs
Next to the tree trunk beside them.
The loud pounding in my chest
Next to the quietness of Earth.

Peace is here
It lives in the ground.
I can feel it seeping into my bones.
I smile as it fills me,
And continue my way up the mountain.

The sun beats down on my body
But I don't care
Because here there is love
There is peace
There is hope
We play cards for hours but never get bored
We climb trees because it makes us feel alive
We skip rocks because we like to think we're good at it
We play music because it makes us feel whole.
And I realize that I'm in love.
Not with you, not with today,
But with the sun, and the sky, and the earth.
I'm in love with being alive.
My hearts feels full
I have no blood in my veins. Just peace.
The way I always wanted it to be.

How fragile in innocence?
A voice held in a small body
Reaching out
Crying and sighing
All it says is
"I don't know if mommy and daddy are going to be married anymore. I'm scared"
Pulled close, whispering words calm him down
But I cannot save his innocence.

There are many paths to take in life
But I beg of you all
Choose love.

I find no comfort in my bed
Where ther once was peace
Now lies dread.

There is a Buddhist proverb about loss.
when a vase breaks, do not become saddened
the vase was never going to survive
until the end of time.
In time, all things break, fall, leave, die
but it was all going to happen no matter what.
so when the vase cracks, shatters;
there has been no loss, only a fulfillment of destiny
In this way, all things make their end,
and their peace, with the earth

But there is one thing the Buddhists forgot
time
Yes it is true, that it is the course of all things
To leave ones life at some point.
And perhaps it is destiny indeed.
But there is loss.
Time cannot be brought back, replaced, or remade.
all of the time we were supposed to share is gone

In the end, time is also destined to run out.
Maybe time
Is the only noble loss to feel sad about.
No attachment to physical things;
Vases, cars, bodies, buildings, grass, or a book.
But rather an attachment
To the future- all of the hope and dreams of what's to come.

I am at peace with all of my losses
Except for that of time

A vast expanse of gray
no blue, no light.
as above, so inside
no light for miles,
only a gray curtain pulled shut.
sometimes that rain comes
buckets of water dumped out.
sometimes the rain doesn't come,
but it's still there.
In the gray curtain pulled shut.
As above me, so inside me

The tears comfort me
Offering me sweet release from the numbness.
I feel whole.
Sadness and happiness blend into one
As the water runs over my face.

I'm thinking too much again
Every night it's the same.
Regrets, anxiety, fear, guilt
Never go away.
Each one a different voice in my head
Telling me they hate me.

But tonight there are tears.
And as they leave my body
So does some of the pain
And I feel whole again.

You always said you wanted
To be an aerospace engineer.
Someone who dedicates their whole life
To something so far away
Something they can never fully have.

I know how painful a life like that can be.
Because I'm already living it with you.

Do you ever feel
Like driving off in the middle of the night
Climbing a mountain and yelling
At the moon?

In all its serenity
In all its quiet peace

A constant sight in my sleepless nights
And I must know it's secrets

Shall I compare thee to a winters day?
Thou art more cold and more merciless.

I stare at my feet
As I walk through the crowded hall
And think about you

Tears ***** my eyes
As my feelings well over

I miss you so terribly
And so deeply
I want to tell you that joke I heard last period
Or what I'm doing this Saturday
Or what I had for breakfast

But you are gone
And with every footstep
I hear your name
Swirl by in the voices of others.

Leaving me to wonder,
How can I be so alone in a place so full of people?

I want to take a road trip
Alone with my music.
And go to every beautiful place
In the world.
I want to see stars in North Dakota
I want to swim in Oregon
I want to get a sunburn in Arizona
I want to listen to music
Experience the gift of the earth
And be whole.

I need to go in a drive
A long drive
With loud music

I'm too angry
Too upset

I need to get away from you.
With your infuriating words
Your backwards logic
And your tendency
to ruin the things most important.
Because I can't do it anymore.

I want the kind of love
That's quiet

Quiet like tea and a blanket in the morning

I want a love that's soft
That's honest and deep and true
That's always there

Love that's not for show
Or for power
But love simply because love is felt

I want a love that accepts and encourages
I want a love that embodies peace

I like strawberries
I like the way my hair looks when I have no where to go
I like my bagels toasted with cream cheese
I like to watch movies, but only alone
I bake cookies when I'm sad
Music means more to me than almost anything else
Christmas is my favorite holiday
I drink tea when I want to be quiet
I don't have a favorite color, I can't decide
I love the outdoors
I hate insincerity
My room is pink, but covered in posters
I have shoeboxes full of old photographs
I love driving alone at night

In the beginning
all of the good souls were separated
and spread across the earth
to keep balance and peace among the troubled souls
the good souls had to give up their happiness

well if you ask me that was a stupid idea
the good souls deserve each other
despite our need for them here.

How lovely it is
to talk to stranger
and have them understand.

I'm sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry that I'm at a loss for words. I do know this. Bodies come and go. Physical living heart beats come and go. Voices and hands to type come and go. The beauty of life is that the soul transcends the physical. Bodies are vehicles for the soul. Sometimes people lose their driving license. Maybe that just means they need to carpool. Love is proven true when you feel the burn of its absence. Please remember that just because there is no voice to hear, or body to hold, or ears to listen; does not mean a person has left. Souls are silent, but they will not leave those who love them.

When I see you
Instincts kick in
My anxiety pulls at my stomach
And I feel my body
Put everything it has
Into a wall to keep you out.
I learned from last time:
Love is not good, love will just break you.

So I keep it out.

Throwing and hurling cemet and bricks
Constantly building and repairing
stay out
Keep them out and you can't get hurt

But you,
You are patient.
You bring your chisel and with every word
You slowly put cracks into my walls
I can't keep you out and it scares me
You knew about the walls and understood
Still you waited
Chisel in hand
And you break them

Maybe soon I will break them with you
And let you in

I'm the kind of person
Who will smile and laugh
Along with the mean comments
The derogatory names
The back-handed jokes
The quick insulting remarks

they don't hurt
theyre funny
theyre harmless
I tell myself

And then go home
Curl up
And cry for hours in agony

You want to replace me?
fine
I can replace you too
Just watch

I feel myself falling
But this time
It's in love
But that's even more scary

Don't leave me
Who do you think you are?
You'd be nothing without me
Don't you dare leave me
You know I'm everyone's favorite place
Why should you be any different
Sincerely,
Your comfort zone

I had a dream last night

We were in your car
the sun was out
and it was shining.
Words were spoken but not aloud.
You looked at me
and took my hand

The first time
you squeezed too hard
and hurt me.
You looked at me
with guilt on your face.

The second time
Your fingers and my fingers
found the right spots
I felt the warmth of
your hand against mine
and I felt warmth inside me too.
And we smiled

You told me
that you didn't love her anymore
that you were sorry
that You loved me
and you knew I loved you too.
Without saying a word
but by taking my hand.

Then you left
and I awoke
to a screaming alarm clock
and to a world where
dreams
are only dreams

I tell her
"try this"
it shows you care
She says
"I can't I'm too busy"
I tell her
"You have time
we will wait"
She tells me
"Shut Up"

you tell me
that I never say
anything kind to you
but you
never say
anything kind to me
you left me
I tried to be happy
I tried to tell you
that you were cute together
you tried to tell me
that you were too busy
to hang out
you quit on me
for him
I asked of you wanted
to go see that band
you had plans to
watch a movie with him
I asked you
if you still needed me
you said
"I guess"

How can I say kind things
to you
you left me
we weren't supposed
to leave each other

You always said
you weren't
that kind of girl
who dressed
to objectify, not flatter
you weren't
the kind of girl
who moves too fast
and plays with boys' hearts
you told me
that nothing
would ever change
between us

Now
I cannot speak to you
without being accused
of becoming a stuck-up *****.
but tell me
when
did it become ******
to have values
and speak your mind?
When
did it become ******
to expect people to uphold their promises?

but where I really
get lost is;
When
did I lose you?

My small hips
Unfeminine
My height
Unfeminine
My broad shoulders
Unfeminine
My blonde, short eyelashes
Unfeminine
My straight legs
Unfeminine

my strength
Unfeminine
my intelligence
Unfeminine
my strong voice
Unfeminine

The human species
Is too wrapped up
In its own existence
To recognize
That each member
Is that same as all others
Living and dead

All of them
Laugh
See
Love
Feel
Think
Breathe

So why
Do we call it war
And not self-hate?

it is impossible
To say I have not changed
It is also impossible
To say that the world
Does not change everyday

"We accept the love we think we deserve"
you deserve better than I can give you
I deserved better then what he could give me
we accept anyway

I loved him
but he crushed me
he crushed my weak heart
the heart which I had spent so long
tying and chaining to my own chest
which i ripped away
and cried in pain as i shyly looked away
and handed it to him
He took it.
he never understood how hard it was
for me to give it to him
He took it.
He crushed it anyway
and bruised it
and mangled it
so it hurt
even when it didn't.
it hurt
to be alive
but i deserved it right?
i deserved him right?

you love me
but why I don't know
you dont see my scars
I cannot make myself show them to you
I  know you would understand
I know you would hold me when I cried
as I told you
and that's what I'm afraid of
I cant give you what you deserve
and i know it crushes you
but you never say
you hold my hand
through the torture
as I crush you
because my scars are too deep to show
you deserve to know
Why Can't I let you in?
I am afraid that I dont deserve what you're giving me
because I dont
because im crushing you

Im so sorry
Im sorry I thought I deserved him
And he broke me
I now I dont deserve you
because I'm broken

nobody want the broken toy

I saw you
Walk in late
And sir down with her
I remember whem
She would have been me
I saw you

I saw you
Look over your shoulder at me
And whisper
I saw you

I saw you
At the end of the night
You took her by the hand
Ducked your head
Avoided my eyes and my thoughts
And left
I saw you

I thought you were gone
I thought I was free
But you were there
I saw you

If you died tomorrow
What would you want them all to know?

That you loved having to conform?
That you appreciated the need to be the same?
That you were grateful for the chance to feel self conscious about your body?

No

You would tell them that you hated them
Their words
Both said
And unsaid
You hated their eyes
Looking
Judging
Never understanding

You would tell them that you found your place on earth
That you found your heaven
A place where love was real
Where friends laughed
Where people mattered
Not for clothes, hair, status, or money
But for the sole sake of being people

You would tell them that you were happy
And they still found a way to ruin it
And you hate them for it

I sit down
I put on headphones
I think about what they meant by "rubber soul"
My soul is not rubber

Rubber repels
Rubber rejects
Nothing sticks to rubber.
Things stick to my soul
People stick to my soul
Ideas stick to my soul
Places stick to my soul
And they change it
They shape it

Maybe my soul is clay
Moldable
Flexible
Soft yet sturdy
Sticky.

Clay

my world gets flipped upside down
I'm falling
I'm spiraling
But why?
Why do I refuse to turn and spin with the earth?
Why do I fight what has given me life?