"We're best friends"
You tell me
And a little piece of me
Dies Inside

"I think they're pretty"
You tell me
And a little piece of me
Dies Inside

"I'm sorry we're not more"
You tell me
And a little piece of me
Dies Inside

I'm scared of losing you
Losing my safety
My happiness
My friend

So I'll just let you
Carry on
Breaking my heart

And when there's no heart to break
I'll tape it up
And start all over
Again

I don’t smoke
Too many people I know have died due to it
Too many heartbreaks, too many mistakes.

But if I did
I’d light you on fire and breathe you in
Inhaling your smoky scent, like woodburning
Until my lungs were coated with your ashes.

No chance of lung cancer
But maybe a chance of obsession
A dangerous obsession
An unhealthy obsession.

And I’d watch the tips of you slowly burn
Until my fingers were in danger of blistering
And you could feel the heat from my face.

You are a dangerous habit.

My Grandma used to be my biggest fan
She used to take me to the park, buy me ice cream
Push me on the swings till I couldn't see the trees

She used to take me to the zoo, point at the animals
Buy me cuddly souvenirs of each of them in the gift shop

She used to take me to the supermarket
Push me in the trolley and buy me a cream cake at the end

My Grandma was the one who told me to write stories
She used to make me cheesy pasta and we'd read together
Stories about dinosaurs and princesses and little girls with coloured hair

That was before she grew old

Now my Grandma sits in her chair
Her skin as thin as paper
Withered bones from old age

My Grandma doesn't really remember my name anymore
Doesn't really know what I look like
Can't really hear what I say

She's not really interested in my life anymore
Only in soaps on telly and other people's lives

My Grandma used to be my biggest fan
Now she doesn't really know who I am

"Self care is important"
That's what my friends say

But their form of Self Care is
A hot bath
An early night
Time to yourself

My form of Self Care is
A breakdown
A new piercing
A spontaneous adventure

We are not the same.

"You keep typing and stopping
All the time"

There is a reason
I want to talk
All the time

I want to say
How I'm feeling
How you make me feel
All the time

But I can't
Because that's weird
So I just keep typing
And stopping
All the time

Writing out words
I'll never send.

You told me that
If she makes you want to write poetry
She's special

Does that make you special?
Because you make me want to write poetry

All
The
Time

Fireworks, colour, explosions and beauty
The sunrise, warm days on the beach and hugs that make you feel like nobody can ever hurt you as long as she's around
Summer BBQ's and lazy days filled with happiness and lemon meringue
Coffee curls, tiny whirls and a smile that makes your heart sing
Excited chatter, crazy obsessions and a laugh that makes you want to laugh, even if you don't know or understand what's funny
Tiny dogs, crazy flavoured-ice cream and long journeys filled with karaoke sing-alongs to cheesy hits
Extreme workouts, movie nights and love for superheroes nobody's ever heard of
Aesthetic photos, intense hikes and knowledge about anything and everything
Long phone calls, deep conversations and a voice filled with so much love

To her friends, her family and the rest of the world, she's their superhero, flawless and incredible. Her family are proud of her and the world aspires to be like her.

But there's another side, a dark side that nobody sees and it's not the good kind.

Broken beams, empty pill bottles and angry scars
Late night rants, silent tears and screams for help that nobody hears
Quiet days filled with loneliness and self loathing whilst the world spins around her
Running miles when it's tipping down to escape the thoughts consuming her mind
Thoughts of destruction, of despair, of disappointment, feeling like she's not good enough for anyone
Clinging on to tiny shreds of hope that things will get better even though it's unlikely
Sporadic breakdowns in the middle of the night when nobody can hear her

Isn't it funny how she bottles this? Trying to be that girl that everyone loves when secretly, she's as fragile as a vase that could crack any minute.

It's funny how secrets change a person.
It's funny how secrets hide the truth