You are a blur to me
I cannot remember how many times we have kissed or how often you say my name but I remember the feel of those lips and the way you sound when they are speaking words only for me. I dont know how long I have spent in your arms but I know that hours are not long enough and I know that when you laugh at something I say my heart skips at least three beats. I know that your every movement is vivid and fluorescent to me. I dont know how many times you breathe in a minute but I know that your heart sounds like steady drum and it quickens when I tell you I love you.  And I do mon amour, I do.

I will swim languid in the River Styx, absorbed in its acid currents, and when these demons and soldiers place blade to my Achilles they will find no weakness there. I have been unmade and it has made me invincible.

you will be 14 the first time a boy surges his way inside you
like a battering ram, unyielding at the castle gates
and you'll cry quietly and forget about it until you're 17
when a leering grin is the only precedence to fingers like knives
that scale the walls searching for whatever treasure that is rumoured inside you
you will be unable to dismiss the fear that swirls like animation-show thunderclouds above your head
when its dark outside and you've still got 10 minutes left of your journey and right here, this alley
cross the road to avoid it because you can't trust shadows in places like these
and hell, you'll still be afraid the next day at 2pm walking home from a doctors appointment
hearing the loud thud thud thud of footsteps behind you and they speed up with a thud thud ThUd THUD
your heart crazy and rioting like a bird in your chest but its just a man trying to get past you because of his long, long legs, and heavy footfalls
you haven't felt safe in the places you should've and that scared you for years until you made it to 17
layers of memory peeling back with the catalyst and you know now why arms always felt like iron bars
because you see a smile storm past your eyes when you close them
and hear the soft laugh of the older boy
as you squirm under him and no, you haven't told anyone
too late to make change and too late to stop being afraid
this, your secret shame,
you will be 14 when you let yourself get *****.

I am neither here nor there;
I am the dust forming
in the darkest parts of you
buried deep in the back of your mind
I am the rust covering
your broken heart
that once beat so eloquently  
I am the ship that never sailed;
left in the harbor to rot
because I was not as beautiful
or as elegant as the other boats
I am the lonely flower that is left
when all my bright and colourful friends
have been picked, and i am left
all alone, unwanted, and untouched
I am the broken grave in the church garden
that used to say 'gone but never forgotten'
Now I just read
**'forgotten'

Its not so much sadness more the disappointment of thinking I meant something to you and thinking that if I smiled wide enough you would notice my lips and that would make you think about kissing me because all I really wanted was for you to kiss me, but thoughts like that they ricochet off the walls in your head like lead bullets until they fall away into pieces and the impulse was so fleeting it was barely even there, but I still have the image of your lips and your skin branded into my mind and filling my head like wine and I want to get drunk on you and everything that we could have been. But with your blue eyes and my brown hair we were like night and day and when it came to love I was a summer's day and you were December 5th when it snowed and snowed and my lips went blue and you could have made them warm again but your heart didn't beat like mine and now mine is a weak drum beat and yours pounds for someone else and with all this spilled ink that you'll never see I wish you would have just kissed me.

I am the sun in all it’s colour
Brightly shining from a seed
Turning slowly with the seasons
For spring where I exceed
I make my way across the earth
Unending in my greed
Yellow petal and smiling stem
But still
Just a ****

The embers died and I extinguished every burning flame with my breath
The fire inside me glowed so brightly I could not see,
and the flickering candle-lit lanterns of my eyes brimmed with water
and the roaring blaze inside me died
I inhaled smoke trying to reignite what once thrived
my nicotine lips smelt like ash and my heart was a burnt out cinder
I washed the smell of smoke from my fingertips
the same fingertips that fires used to lick and nibble,
caressing the skin that held a furnace within
Nothing but smoke and ash left inside me now
And blackened lungs from years of fueling the very object that would be my demise
I drowned in a flood created by my own weak self
it washed away my sins, yes, but I was made entirely of sins
and now I am a hollowed out shell of the bonfire I used to be
I was engulfed in a shower of tears that diminished the essence of my being
Now I am nothing but ash and cigarette smoke.

I am kindling
And you are a wildfire
I should have known this
Would end in ash

You are the vulture above me
waiting until my limp carcass
hits the dusty floor
before you make your move
and tear away at me,
like you have so many others

you are the grizzly bear
lashing with your claws at me
trying to knock me to the ground
so you can take me down
and make your next ****

you are the hunter, the poacher
searching the woods and forests
for any sign of me, any traces
of my blood left behind
from the bullet in my side
left by your murderous gun

I am your prey
and you never lose a scent.

I was waiting to become something bigger than myself
something astronomical; imprinted eternally
in the infinite cosmos; i wanted to be a constellation
I wanted to never have to fade out or burn away
not even in your memories.
selfish, yes. egotistical, probably.
and still, i longed to keep you awake at night,
i yearned for astronomers to gaze and ponder
at the marvellous miracle that was myself
narcissism is eating me away; that unquenchable thirst
to live unending in the spaces between breaths
but in the end, my blood isn't stardust, or fire
when i fall away to bones, to dust, to nothing
it will have simply been red.

Thank you for your patience
with my little fragile heart
I promise I'll be strong soon,
just strong enough to part
I want to know what you ache for
what courses through your bones
I hope, to you, love is more
than a temporary home,
I belong to leap years
and forests as far as sky,
though I still retain my little fears
my fragile heart soon shall fly

It's half 7 in the morning
and the shadow of night
is still gripping desperately onto the earth
not yet willing to be replaced with the sun
Darkness floods my window
yet I am still sitting here, fully dressed for school
hair done and makeup finished
does this mean I am finally organized,
does this mean I am in control at last?
Or does this just mean that I am sick
of my brain picturing scenarios in my head
that make my eyes brim with tears
and would make men of stone weep?
I believe that I am not awake, not fully,
part of me clings to sleep, the part of me
that shies away from the stress of school, and life
and in all honesty, I would much rather
be dreaming.

Everything hurts.
My every syllable is a sin and I cannot confess to the kind stranger in the church because he has never had the devil wage war inside him, God has laid a path for him with roses and gold whilst I trekked through forests and marshes hacking and slashing at every demon that snarled and bared its teeth at me. I left with bleeding wounds from myself, or was it the beasts? it doesn't matter, we are one in the same now.
So you see, that nice priest in this holy house has nothing to say, with all his bread and wine, because my demons whisper louder than he screams, and God and all his angels lay silent and hidden as I succumbed to the devil's velvet tortures. I live in a hell of my own creation and no muse nor divinity can save me now.

My body is not a temple, it is a carcass.
With brittle bones and rotted flesh, I bleed ink and I cry stones
You see what you want to see because the cage that is my skeleton
Does not conform to what you think is socially desirable.
Here I am, in my brokenness, in my crumbling tower of a body, my burgled home
Here I am in my misery and here you are in your ignorance

I NEED TO FORGET HOW MY NAME SOUNDS WITH YOUR VOICE WRAPPED AROUND IT
I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO FALL ASLEEP OUTSIDE OF YOUR ARMS

my chest is suffocating me
I cannot even gasp for breath
due to the chasm of empty inside my ribcage
a black hole that vacuums up any emotion
i am devoid of passion now
and the joy i once felt
has long since fallen behind
as i ran from my fears and doubts
my memory is full
of promises shrouded in pain
and lies tied with satin bows
masking the poison they contain,
that, in time, will surely be my undoing
I have told myself so often
do not trust, do not befriend those
who have the power to hurt you
and each time i do
and each time i regret it
and recall the reason why i should not.

Its only 8pm
And everything is just
So ******* awful,
You know?
My body hurts
My mind hurts
I can feel myself
Slipping away
And I don't think
They can pull me back
Not this time
Because life for me
Is an eclipse;
It is meant to be beautiful
But the reality is
The sun has gone from my life
And I cannot wait
For its return
The demons are back
And the angels have given up
I have stopped
Dreaming in colour.

The winter winds blew in
Carrying salt from the sea
And ice from the north
It whipped and raged
Like a monster thrashing
At his invisible chains

And we brace ourselves
With layers and fire and coal
Dousing the monster
Dampening his roars
With our crackling embers
And hot cocoa hands

But you and I
With your eyes like arctic frost
And mine aglow with summer's
Forest fires and charred woods
We leave behind the warmth
To dance gentle in the chill

From spitting flame to air,
Air that burns like fire in this cold
And still we hear the roaring.
Us two, pale as fresh snow
Soulful as the cinder sun
We distmantle and destroy

Monster! Monster! With eyes,
Eyes like storms and sky
And lungs of triumph and freedom
We three, treading blizzard winds
Spirits dancing gentle, and joy!
Joy boundless, as the winter roars

My heart is a wasteland
And you are the debris
So *******
And all your broken pieces
When I was lost and lonely
I reached out to you
And you left me stranded
I was created in fires
That burned hotter than hell
But your love made me know
What real torture was
But I did not cry out
And I suppose thats when life
Assumed I consented to the pain
And that was when you knew
That you were under my skin
And in my veins
No matter how deep I cut
Or how often I cry
There is no getting you out
I hope you choke on the ashes
That were once my beautiful flames.

Concept: the scars on my legs are fading. The past is behind me and I can finally breathe.

Concept: I am in the wind and it carries me to undiscovered lands, the air is clean and the trees are tall. I decide to stay.

6 chapters into the story of myself
I realised the happy ending had been and gone
And it would have been safer to stop reading
Before the tradegy set in,
You can't see it yet, but it sits like smoke
Upon the ink, and sometimes you can hear it
In a page turning, a soft shrieking
That could be mistaken for wind, if you weren't listening
But I was listening, and so steeled myself
For the building sorrow of the book

10 chapters in, all writing stops
Halfway through a word
And the agony hits like a car crash
Played on repeat in my head
And the tradegy rolls like waves in storm
And the shrieking becomes deafening
And the book closes
And in a whispered breath of a broken reader
You can hear the small sigh of relief

I am the pen without the ink
The ocean without water
The night without stars
I am void
Empty, lonely,
A black hole
Of turmoil and hate
I've always had love to blame
But with this emptiness
That sits in my chest
I've learnt that I really dont like you
But I'll forgive you
Because I love you
I love you.

there are ghosts in these walls
and they whisper such sweet things
but only late at night
when lucifer crawls from the shadows
and beckons me closer to hell
i would like to tell you it is all a nightmare
but morning comes and greets me
and i am stood on a cliff edge.

did I jump? or did these ghosts push my frail body
down to the chasm of hellfire below?
I can't quite remember anymore
it's been a while since those ghosts spoke to me

**** them fake ******* that ditch you first chance
i never caused any unnecessary drama in a friend group that was all about friend hate and backstabbing, i was a ******* peace keeper in a garden full of snakes and forreal, what do i got to show for it?? diddly ******* squat. fml. I tried to be there for everyone i could at all times, tryna make sure everyone was happy, so WHY THE FUCCKK is it that im the one left alone? IM the one with no one left thats my friend. everyone's got their own little friend groups and ive got ******* no one. hows that ok? sick of this man, i like my own company but just got 4 years of friendship thrown back in my face. nah man. **** that.

I never understood what people meant when they said you could get lost in someone, but I swear
When you looked at me with those kaleidoscope eyes of yours, containing every colour with tunnel vision straight into the faultlines in my soul
I could scarcely remember my own name
And in that moment between breaths
Looking at each other with the quiet suspense
Of a lethal, lingering kiss
I don't think I would've wanted to

I saw the devil once,
His eyes changed colour
Greens and blues and golds,
He also had a warm smile
And a loud laugh,
And he told me
He loved me.

I'm leaving dents in my palms
where my nails are digging in
i guess i'm just trying
to get this darkness out of my skin
marks on my pale legs
from scars made long ago
I've been wandering around for ages
spending this year as a ghost
I learnt that love is for children
and I am all grown now
people have poisoned my chalice
bestowed to me my thorn crown
I don't know where I am going
does it matter where i've been?
Roads leading nowhere
but palaces of sin
should i stay?
should i go?
i wish these monsters
would leave me alone.

I miss you
No, you don't
You miss my words,
and how they made you feel
like you could live happily
You do not miss me

I have decided
I know what you're debating
I have told you not to, many times
Each time you ask for my help
and for 3 long years I tried to help
but it is not my job to save you

I want to die
I know you feel that way, I know
but tell your girlfriend, friends,
better yet, tell your therapist
Not I, who you left at the side of the road
with a broken and confused heart
Do not ask me to fix you

Oh, so you've moved on then?
I rebuilt my life without you,
as I saw you rebuilding yours
But you came crawling back
when I was finally happy
And you tried to creep your way
back into my veins
I washed you out with the tears I shed

It is not my job to save you,
and you made that quite clear to me
when you told me you no longer loved me
do not say you miss me now that I am gone
do not try to tear me away from my new love
the one who holds me when you do this

You are breaking me, and stealing parts of me
in order to fix yourself

She wasn't storybook pretty
She wasn't even the plain kind of pretty
No mary sue or timid thing
She was weepy phonecalls at 3am
And smashing plates in kitchen sinks
She was thunder and lightning
Bright and burning
And you couldn't catch her if you tried
She was destruction and it was not
Beautiful, but it was enchanting
The type of girl who stole breaths
Simply for the enjoyment of watching
Us mere things gasping for air
She was a galeforce wind in winter
You couldn't look away,
And she couldn't stay
Even if she wanted to.

Light, dancing wildly
Spectrums of colour, of creation
I look at my reflection
Against the cool glass
my breath staining it like frost
Sometimes I am transparent
like this mirror, like this cold air
and still, I look into myself
the crushing weight of the world
making the glass pulse
and my pulse, shatter
My emotions bleed out onto a wood frame
seeping through and taking shape
Turbulent, uncertain, blazing, brilliant
Is this me?
My inner turmoil made flesh
inside this glass tomb

I am, as I have always been,
On the wrong side of the mirror.

I can feel the barbs and the thorns
protruding from my skin
as i sit hunched and quiet
dont touch me dont touch meE don t tou ch me
every fingertip feels like knives
and your kisses are a cruel poison.
i am my own armour
because in this story,
the pinpricked princess
saves herself.

And if the soul were to bleed away now, tell me, what would be the words to die on your lips?
Who's hand would you be holding?
Who's heart would be breaking?
Tell me, who would shriek at the stars
Begging for you not to go
And who would rage and riot with God,
Demand he send you home?

I decided to stop following
The sparse and sorrowed rains
I will become my own storm
Cure the drought that binds me
These tears will feed my roots
And I will grow and grow and grow
In this savannah, where beast
Kills beast over scraps
I have become my own god
I have saved and salvaged myself

I cannot keep track of my love
I know not how much or how far
She can stretch for you
Or how many barrels she fills
Liquid and shifting and measurable,
I do know that she runs wild
Abundant and free
She sprints with the wind
And laughs, elated
We spin together under sunrises
And relish in the new dawn
Sunlight kisses reminding us
So much of your touch
I cannot keep track of my love
I know only that she grows
Each dawn, she grows.

Concept: I have stopped writing so much about the sadness seeping in my bones, somewhere along the way it has returned to stardust, somewhere along the way I began to smile.

Being anonymous
In an ocean of other
Anonymous faces
Moving together, crowding together
Riding the same tide
For the same ******* reasons;
In sacrificing your identity
Take care not to lose yourself