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632 · Aug 2016
Dreams
Under the sun
Past the rivers that run
Over mountains that reach
To the sky
I will find love
On the wings of a dove
And through oceans
And forests
I fly
It didn't matter
about my cries that echoed
throughout the woods
that he took me to
it didn't matter
about the screams
that escaped my lips
or the tears streaming
down my face
as he took my innocence
after all, I asked for it
didn't I?


my skirt was too short
too much skin exposed
I didn't call the police straight away
It didn't matter
that he was at least 30
and I was still a teenager
It didn't matter
that I began to walk faster
and then so did he
after all, I asked for it
didn't I?


Because thats what they told me
my friends turned their backs on me
strangers spat in my face
my family shunned me
I was *****
but it doesn't matter
*After all, I asked for it
didn't I?
this wasn't an event that happened to me, but this happens to a lot of people
630 · Jul 2014
Kiss
Its not so much sadness more the disappointment of thinking I meant something to you and thinking that if I smiled wide enough you would notice my lips and that would make you think about kissing me because all I really wanted was for you to kiss me, but thoughts like that they ricochet off the walls in your head like lead bullets until they fall away into pieces and the impulse was so fleeting it was barely even there, but I still have the image of your lips and your skin branded into my mind and filling my head like wine and I want to get drunk on you and everything that we could have been. But with your blue eyes and my brown hair we were like night and day and when it came to love I was a summer's day and you were December 5th when it snowed and snowed and my lips went blue and you could have made them warm again but your heart didn't beat like mine and now mine is a weak drum beat and yours pounds for someone else and with all this spilled ink that you'll never see I wish you would have just kissed me.
I was waiting to become something bigger than myself
something astronomical; imprinted eternally
in the infinite cosmos; i wanted to be a constellation
I wanted to never have to fade out or burn away
not even in your memories.
selfish, yes. egotistical, probably.
and still, i longed to keep you awake at night,
i yearned for astronomers to gaze and ponder
at the marvellous miracle that was myself
narcissism is eating me away; that unquenchable thirst
to live unending in the spaces between breaths
but in the end, my blood isn't stardust, or fire
when i fall away to bones, to dust, to nothing
it will have simply been red.
624 · Apr 2014
Rip tide
If I should venture
To the sea
I wish the waves
To swallow me.
I think the worst of it
Is that you.. forget
Who you were before
Memories slip away
And feelings
Until you're left with this
Vague sense, this innate
Understanding
That you used to be more
You used to be something
With more substance
Than this *ghost
609 · Dec 2013
Ash and Smoke
The embers died and I extinguished every burning flame with my breath
The fire inside me glowed so brightly I could not see,
and the flickering candle-lit lanterns of my eyes brimmed with water
and the roaring blaze inside me died
I inhaled smoke trying to reignite what once thrived
my nicotine lips smelt like ash and my heart was a burnt out cinder
I washed the smell of smoke from my fingertips
the same fingertips that fires used to lick and nibble,
caressing the skin that held a furnace within
Nothing but smoke and ash left inside me now
And blackened lungs from years of fueling the very object that would be my demise
I drowned in a flood created by my own weak self
it washed away my sins, yes, but I was made entirely of sins
and now I am a hollowed out shell of the bonfire I used to be
I was engulfed in a shower of tears that diminished the essence of my being
Now I am nothing but ash and cigarette smoke.
607 · Aug 2018
Dandelion
I am the sun in all it’s colour
Brightly shining from a seed
Turning slowly with the seasons
For spring where I exceed
I make my way across the earth
Unending in my greed
Yellow petal and smiling stem
But still
Just a ****
I am kindling
And you are a wildfire
I should have known this
Would end in ash
603 · Feb 2014
a sickness
There are weights
On my shoulders
That look like pebbles
To some
But feel like mountains
To me
601 · Dec 2013
I am the hunted
You are the vulture above me
waiting until my limp carcass
hits the dusty floor
before you make your move
and tear away at me,
like you have so many others

you are the grizzly bear
lashing with your claws at me
trying to knock me to the ground
so you can take me down
and make your next ****

you are the hunter, the poacher
searching the woods and forests
for any sign of me, any traces
of my blood left behind
from the bullet in my side
left by your murderous gun

I am your prey
and you never lose a scent.
It's half 7 in the morning
and the shadow of night
is still gripping desperately onto the earth
not yet willing to be replaced with the sun
Darkness floods my window
yet I am still sitting here, fully dressed for school
hair done and makeup finished
does this mean I am finally organized,
does this mean I am in control at last?
Or does this just mean that I am sick
of my brain picturing scenarios in my head
that make my eyes brim with tears
and would make men of stone weep?
I believe that I am not awake, not fully,
part of me clings to sleep, the part of me
that shies away from the stress of school, and life
and in all honesty, I would much rather
be dreaming.
598 · Feb 2014
black and white and sad
Its only 8pm
And everything is just
So ******* awful,
You know?
My body hurts
My mind hurts
I can feel myself
Slipping away
And I don't think
They can pull me back
Not this time
Because life for me
Is an eclipse;
It is meant to be beautiful
But the reality is
The sun has gone from my life
And I cannot wait
For its return
The demons are back
And the angels have given up
I have stopped
Dreaming in colour.
597 · Jan 2017
Releasing Winter
The winter winds blew in
Carrying salt from the sea
And ice from the north
It whipped and raged
Like a monster thrashing
At his invisible chains

And we brace ourselves
With layers and fire and coal
Dousing the monster
Dampening his roars
With our crackling embers
And hot cocoa hands

But you and I
With your eyes like arctic frost
And mine aglow with summer's
Forest fires and charred woods
We leave behind the warmth
To dance gentle in the chill

From spitting flame to air,
Air that burns like fire in this cold
And still we hear the roaring.
Us two, pale as fresh snow
Soulful as the cinder sun
We distmantle and destroy

Monster! Monster! With eyes,
Eyes like storms and sky
And lungs of triumph and freedom
We three, treading blizzard winds
Spirits dancing gentle, and joy!
Joy boundless, as the winter roars
597 · May 2014
A fickle fleeting hope
I sit here
In a quiet surrender
and bruising pain
as you continue
to walk the road ahead
and i sit here
wondering
what could have made you
want to leave me
behind.
594 · Feb 2016
Concepts #2
Concept: I am in the wind and it carries me to undiscovered lands, the air is clean and the trees are tall. I decide to stay.
sorry for inactivity btw, I haven't been able to access my account
591 · Jun 2016
Concept #18
Concept: the scars on my legs are fading. The past is behind me and I can finally breathe.
591 · Nov 2013
Forged in battle
ready your bows
there is a war brewing
and the storm
that will savage us all
is quickening it's pace
brace your shields
against a invisible enemy;
a shadow in the dark,
brandish your swords
hacking and slashing
at the seams holding you together
protect yourself
destroy yourself
two sides of my mind at war
both winning
both sure to lose
the wolves howl at the half moon
and the crows fly in their ******
picking at the eyes of the fallen
create yourself
banish yourself
an inevitable defeat
but who wins?
who loses?
And pray tell,
at what cost?
591 · Aug 2018
11:11
All of the stars are falling to Earth
Each one a wish and a promise
My every 11:11 bounding towards me
Breakneck speed and leaking light
But I am not looking at them
The shower of phosphorescence above
Is nothing compared to the lucency of his eyes
Comet and city are coalescing around us
And I see only him
The stars,
The wishes,
It’s all only him
591 · Dec 2013
ghosts in my walls
there are ghosts in these walls
and they whisper such sweet things
but only late at night
when lucifer crawls from the shadows
and beckons me closer to hell
i would like to tell you it is all a nightmare
but morning comes and greets me
and i am stood on a cliff edge.

did I jump? or did these ghosts push my frail body
down to the chasm of hellfire below?
I can't quite remember anymore
it's been a while since those ghosts spoke to me
589 · Apr 2014
Confessional
Everything hurts.
My every syllable is a sin and I cannot confess to the kind stranger in the church because he has never had the devil wage war inside him, God has laid a path for him with roses and gold whilst I trekked through forests and marshes hacking and slashing at every demon that snarled and bared its teeth at me. I left with bleeding wounds from myself, or was it the beasts? it doesn't matter, we are one in the same now.
So you see, that nice priest in this holy house has nothing to say, with all his bread and wine, because my demons whisper louder than he screams, and God and all his angels lay silent and hidden as I succumbed to the devil's velvet tortures. I live in a hell of my own creation and no muse nor divinity can save me now.
Thank you for your patience
with my little fragile heart
I promise I'll be strong soon,
just strong enough to part
I want to know what you ache for
what courses through your bones
I hope, to you, love is more
than a temporary home,
I belong to leap years
and forests as far as sky,
though I still retain my little fears
my fragile heart soon shall fly
My heart is a wasteland
And you are the debris
So *******
And all your broken pieces
When I was lost and lonely
I reached out to you
And you left me stranded
I was created in fires
That burned hotter than hell
But your love made me know
What real torture was
But I did not cry out
And I suppose thats when life
Assumed I consented to the pain
And that was when you knew
That you were under my skin
And in my veins
No matter how deep I cut
Or how often I cry
There is no getting you out
I hope you choke on the ashes
That were once my beautiful flames.
584 · Jun 2017
Siege
you will be 14 the first time a boy surges his way inside you
like a battering ram, unyielding at the castle gates
and you'll cry quietly and forget about it until you're 17
when a leering grin is the only precedence to fingers like knives
that scale the walls searching for whatever treasure that is rumoured inside you
you will be unable to dismiss the fear that swirls like animation-show thunderclouds above your head
when its dark outside and you've still got 10 minutes left of your journey and right here, this alley
cross the road to avoid it because you can't trust shadows in places like these
and hell, you'll still be afraid the next day at 2pm walking home from a doctors appointment
hearing the loud thud thud thud of footsteps behind you and they speed up with a thud thud ThUd THUD
your heart crazy and rioting like a bird in your chest but its just a man trying to get past you because of his long, long legs, and heavy footfalls
you haven't felt safe in the places you should've and that scared you for years until you made it to 17
layers of memory peeling back with the catalyst and you know now why arms always felt like iron bars
because you see a smile storm past your eyes when you close them
and hear the soft laugh of the older boy
as you squirm under him and no, you haven't told anyone
too late to make change and too late to stop being afraid
this, your secret shame,
you will be 14 when you let yourself get *****.
579 · Jun 2015
Mirage
My body is not a temple, it is a carcass.
With brittle bones and rotted flesh, I bleed ink and I cry stones
You see what you want to see because the cage that is my skeleton
Does not conform to what you think is socially desirable.
Here I am, in my brokenness, in my crumbling tower of a body, my burgled home
Here I am in my misery and here you are in your ignorance
577 · Jul 2014
Ghosts can't love
I am the pen without the ink
The ocean without water
The night without stars
I am void
Empty, lonely,
A black hole
Of turmoil and hate
I've always had love to blame
But with this emptiness
That sits in my chest
I've learnt that I really dont like you
But I'll forgive you
Because I love you
I love you.
inspiration for this came from many songs by the amazing band, Hotel Books, so if you like this check them out
570 · Nov 2016
Magnam Silvam
the trees are wrinkled and ageless,
their height blocking out the sky
only the twilight dwells here
they are singing to each other
i have walked this forest my whole life
my small frame is as timeless as the stars
the largest elm in the glen is gentle
he remembers being planted
when the world was but new
and the sun was an ember in space
he calls to me, with whispering wind
'foliolum, puer saltus, sit'
under his shade, i grow flowers
coaxing them to bloom with songs
of spring and warmth and love
these trees are my brothers,
my sisters, my father in bark
my heart is a sapling
i grow
i grow
i grow
568 · Aug 2016
How?
I NEED TO FORGET HOW MY NAME SOUNDS WITH YOUR VOICE WRAPPED AROUND IT
I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO FALL ASLEEP OUTSIDE OF YOUR ARMS
I saw the devil once,
His eyes changed colour
Greens and blues and golds,
He also had a warm smile
And a loud laugh,
And he told me
He loved me.
I'm leaving dents in my palms
where my nails are digging in
i guess i'm just trying
to get this darkness out of my skin
marks on my pale legs
from scars made long ago
I've been wandering around for ages
spending this year as a ghost
I learnt that love is for children
and I am all grown now
people have poisoned my chalice
bestowed to me my thorn crown
I don't know where I am going
does it matter where i've been?
Roads leading nowhere
but palaces of sin
should i stay?
should i go?
i wish these monsters
would leave me alone.
563 · Mar 2017
Reminiscing
6 chapters into the story of myself
I realised the happy ending had been and gone
And it would have been safer to stop reading
Before the tradegy set in,
You can't see it yet, but it sits like smoke
Upon the ink, and sometimes you can hear it
In a page turning, a soft shrieking
That could be mistaken for wind, if you weren't listening
But I was listening, and so steeled myself
For the building sorrow of the book

10 chapters in, all writing stops
Halfway through a word
And the agony hits like a car crash
Played on repeat in my head
And the tradegy rolls like waves in storm
And the shrieking becomes deafening
And the book closes
And in a whispered breath of a broken reader
You can hear the small sigh of relief
My heart feels heavy
There are weights
Suspended in my chest
And with every pulse,
Every beat, i sink
Into a cold chasm
Deep within myself
And eventually,
I will be lost there
So I hold fast onto
The last of me
My fragment of identity.
And my heavy heart
Continues to beat.
"I am
I am
I am
"
560 · Nov 2016
for a friend
Shaken, to the core
the first moment I saw you,
infatuated November 15
and every day since,
weeks waiting with nervous hand
wanting desperately to hear your voice
fearful my own would tremble
and seeing you, bathed in a light
you had walked right out of my dreams
everything that was not you faded away
I was entranced with your brown eyes
and your voice, a melody, the only one
I wanted to hear
hands small and soft, fitting
like puzzles, inside mine,
you are my dawn and dusk
you can turn grey skies into sunlight,
weave gold into the darkness
you were,
are,
my home.
**** them fake ******* that ditch you first chance
i never caused any unnecessary drama in a friend group that was all about friend hate and backstabbing, i was a ******* peace keeper in a garden full of snakes and forreal, what do i got to show for it?? diddly ******* squat. fml. I tried to be there for everyone i could at all times, tryna make sure everyone was happy, so WHY THE FUCCKK is it that im the one left alone? IM the one with no one left thats my friend. everyone's got their own little friend groups and ive got ******* no one. hows that ok? sick of this man, i like my own company but just got 4 years of friendship thrown back in my face. nah man. **** that.
And if the soul were to bleed away now, tell me, what would be the words to die on your lips?
Who's hand would you be holding?
Who's heart would be breaking?
Tell me, who would shriek at the stars
Begging for you not to go
And who would rage and riot with God,
Demand he send you home?
558 · Dec 2013
I tried to save you.
I miss you
No, you don't
You miss my words,
and how they made you feel
like you could live happily
You do not miss me

I have decided
I know what you're debating
I have told you not to, many times
Each time you ask for my help
and for 3 long years I tried to help
but it is not my job to save you

I want to die
I know you feel that way, I know
but tell your girlfriend, friends,
better yet, tell your therapist
Not I, who you left at the side of the road
with a broken and confused heart
Do not ask me to fix you

Oh, so you've moved on then?
I rebuilt my life without you,
as I saw you rebuilding yours
But you came crawling back
when I was finally happy
And you tried to creep your way
back into my veins
I washed you out with the tears I shed

It is not my job to save you,
and you made that quite clear to me
when you told me you no longer loved me
do not say you miss me now that I am gone
do not try to tear me away from my new love
the one who holds me when you do this


You are breaking me, and stealing parts of me
in order to fix yourself
558 · Nov 2015
Reflections
Light, dancing wildly
Spectrums of colour, of creation
I look at my reflection
Against the cool glass
my breath staining it like frost
Sometimes I am transparent
like this mirror, like this cold air
and still, I look into myself
the crushing weight of the world
making the glass pulse
and my pulse, shatter
My emotions bleed out onto a wood frame
seeping through and taking shape
Turbulent, uncertain, blazing, brilliant
Is this me?
My inner turmoil made flesh
inside this glass tomb

I am, as I have always been,
On the wrong side of the mirror.
"I look inside myself and find perfect emptiness"
550 · Apr 2016
Fanciful dreams
Knight is his armor
Damsel in her tower
Who are we, really
Under the facade?
Beyond the fantasy?
The knight stands
With his golden armor
And jewelled scabbard
Itching for his next ****
Or his next drink
Blood looks like wine
Under pale moonlight
The damsel, fretting
But not distressing
She has never known
The outside of her walls
She will take leaps of faith
And fall flat, or fly
Is risk worth reward?
These are the stories of old
The fantasies we tell ourselves
Not knowing the world
Is so much deeper than ink
And we enter woods
Expecting wolves
And leave with boys
Not knowing both hunger
For something, at least
And we know now
How to slay dragons, but
Not the ones within ourselves
We have seen our happy endings
But we have yet to attain them
550 · Sep 2016
You are my sun
I cannot keep track of my love
I know not how much or how far
She can stretch for you
Or how many barrels she fills
Liquid and shifting and measurable,
I do know that she runs wild
Abundant and free
She sprints with the wind
And laughs, elated
We spin together under sunrises
And relish in the new dawn
Sunlight kisses reminding us
So much of your touch
I cannot keep track of my love
I know only that she grows
Each dawn, she grows.
549 · Nov 2016
Concept #27
Concept: I have stopped writing so much about the sadness seeping in my bones, somewhere along the way it has returned to stardust, somewhere along the way I began to smile.
I never understood what people meant when they said you could get lost in someone, but I swear
When you looked at me with those kaleidoscope eyes of yours, containing every colour with tunnel vision straight into the faultlines in my soul
I could scarcely remember my own name
And in that moment between breaths
Looking at each other with the quiet suspense
Of a lethal, lingering kiss
I don't think I would've wanted to
545 · Dec 2016
The repairs
I decided to stop following
The sparse and sorrowed rains
I will become my own storm
Cure the drought that binds me
These tears will feed my roots
And I will grow and grow and grow
In this savannah, where beast
Kills beast over scraps
I have become my own god
I have saved and salvaged myself
i hate you
I do, i hate you so much
for what you did to me
but I miss you,
or rather, the idea of you
I miss our late night talks
I miss our good days
how we would fall asleep together
and it would be a blissful silence
but we had to go and mess it all up
didn't we?
Things won't ever be the same
i can't even look at you now
not now, not after what you did
and it hurts because, despite everything
despite the arguments, and bickering
and tears that i shed
I would take you back in a heartbeat
if you hadn't have done that
my friends think i was crazy for loving you
but ours was a crazy love story
and i am sorry that you became
the reason that it ended.
542 · Jul 2015
Withering in the July heat
Thus begins the summer month
But my body still feels cold
I see in shades of ashen grey
Where others see bright and bold
The lemon taste within the breeze
Is acidic in my throat
Refreshing water does nothing for
A girl with little hope
Thus begins the summer month
Where many are at play
And here I lie beneath the sun
Where I shall slowly fall away
539 · Mar 2017
To fear kindness
I can feel the barbs and the thorns
protruding from my skin
as i sit hunched and quiet
dont touch me dont touch meE don t tou ch me
every fingertip feels like knives
and your kisses are a cruel poison.
i am my own armour
because in this story,
the pinpricked princess
saves herself.
539 · Jan 2017
Memoirs
I.

There are parts of this story
Written for me only
Chapters not to be read aloud,

II.

The tears on the pillow
Moonlight illuminating the dew
Silent cries in the quiet hours

III.

The endless screams
Muted to the world
But piercing and agonising in my head

IV.

Blood in the bathtub
Blades hidden 3rd drawer down
Scars decades old that no one has ever seen

V.

All of these small chapters;
The little hidden tragedies
Of my short, bright life
533 · Nov 2013
Catacombs
my chest is suffocating me
I cannot even gasp for breath
due to the chasm of empty inside my ribcage
a black hole that vacuums up any emotion
i am devoid of passion now
and the joy i once felt
has long since fallen behind
as i ran from my fears and doubts
my memory is full
of promises shrouded in pain
and lies tied with satin bows
masking the poison they contain,
that, in time, will surely be my undoing
I have told myself so often
do not trust, do not befriend those
who have the power to hurt you
and each time i do
and each time i regret it
and recall the reason why i should not.
Bukowski said what matters most
Is how well you walk through fire
But I've been wandering hell for months
And I dont think anyone has even noticed
Maybe it is I who doesnt matter
Maybe the burns are only skin deep
I am trying to love myself
oh god, I am trying
but the stars are too far
for me to find comfort in
and the ocean
the ocean that is my blanket
lies miles from this bed
this bed where I cried until slumber
took me into nightmares
where the ice cracked underfoot
and I plunged into a lake
of self-loathing
I drowned in that cold world
And awoke with frostbite on my heart

How sad it is
to see the sun
but not feel it
I am trying to find warmth
in myself
but find only ice
and a terrible, tragic
cold.
532 · Nov 2017
Alcoholism
If your poetry *****, get drunk.
keep drinking until you manage to ***** up something that bleeds with your blood
something that shakes with your breath,
something pitiful and cold on your bedsheets
drink some more and watch it writhe before you,
shatter the glass in your hand and hear it scream for you,
curse and die for you,
drink until you feel better, drink until you sleep,
drink until you feel hollow enough to swallow the weeping creature,
put down all the bottles, and the pens, and the sadness,
you'll try again tomorrow.
side note: this is terrible advice don't get drunk kids
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