The first day you came to visit,
you started with a simple "hello."
Those 5 letters made my heart race,
they made my hands tremble.
I knew you had arrived.

The second day you came to visit,
you said "I've come back."
Again, my heart raced,
my hands trembled.
But this time, my lungs gasped for air.
I knew you would come back.

The third day you came to visit,
you said "you can't rid of me."
My heart raced and my hands trembled,
my lungs were still gasping for air
but now I was screaming for help.
I knew you made yourself a home.

You were no longer a visitor.

It used to be
My limit was whenever
I felt the need to hurt,
The need to feel pain
Not from within,
The need to make blood
Flow down from my skin.
That's when I would call
My friends,
Text them,
Ask for help.

No longer.

Now my limit
Is whenever I want to die,
When I start writing notes,
That's when I grab my phone
And start calling through
The contacts list,
The list of sorrow,
Of the few people left
I can trust,
The ones who won't freak out,
The ones I know
Will take care of me
When I cannot.

But if
That shift
Only took a couple months,
How long will it be
Until it shifts
Again?

How long
Until I have no limit?
How long
Until I try to deal
With those thoughts
On my own as well?
How long
Until I decide not
Not to bother them with
Every little time I feel like
Killing myself?
How long
Will it be until that day?
And what happens
When that day comes?
Will it all end?
Much as I so often want
For that to happen,
I am afraid
That I will make it happen.
I do not want that,
I don't right now.
But soon,
Or at least not too far away,
I will.
And then it will be
Goodnight.