I am not a poet,
But a poem,
Just trying to complete myself.
Or maybe,
-I am Completing myself..

sshhhhh
slow down
everything is moving at a mind numbing pace
I can't tell where I am anymore

this body feels like a vice
growing tighter and tighter
the madness is coming back
my brain is swelling and my skull has no give

all I can feel is my body shaking willow branch in the wind
I can't type fast enough to get the smatter of chaos out of my head
this isn't a poem
this is a frantic plea of distraction

I just need the pill
it's sliding down my throat
ten minutes is a life time when you are counting the milliseconds

here it comes
relief
the swelling is reducing
the wind is dying down
everything is coming into focus

Being a girl,
Doesn't mean a three way hole,
Being a girl,
Means to be admired and respected as a whole..

Being a girl,
Doesn't mean that getting married is your goal,
Being a girl,
Means to be whatever your heart says to your soul..

Being a girl
Doesn't mean that (just) as a mother, wife or girlfriend is your role..
Being a girl,
Means that you need to prove yourself as a diamond in the mine of coal..

Being a girl,
Doesn't mean that entire your life you need to stay a tadpole..
Being a girl,
Means that you need to develop into a frog before getting ole..

Being a girl,
Doesn't mean that you are the negative of the dipole,
Being a girl,
Means that - you need to take your life's control..

Being a girl,
Doesn't mean to accept your worth to be ***** and *****,
Being a girl,
Means to accept your beauty, not just the duty,

Being a girl,
Doesn't mean that you can be a heroine just in the movie..
Being a girl,
Means that you can be a superhero in real life - you can be a ruby!

I wish i knew you earlier.
I wish I could have been the one to save you, not her

You cannot talk about her and pull me close
You cannot bring me coffee with promises in the sugar
and the taste of your lips

To me you will no longer be a metaphor
you will no longer be my DNA
nor the wind
nor the feeling of hot fingers on my skin

you will be the man that i wish I had known earlier
you will be the person in the past

and I will finally be free.

take this
barter my soul
throw it in the trash
plunge it into your next victim
get it away from me
It's all ****** up
I don't want it back

Take me down while standing tall
into shattered pieces fall
laughing now tears rush by
rolling down from this high
what is known, what is seen
wash this battered mind to clean
watch me smile here and past
rictus grins that will not last
knowing of the pain to come
colouring each and every moment fun
screaming now in joy or pain
always have they felt the same
only in this sea at dark
when light is gone and hope depart
there i find that fateful step
to take me up the ***** so swept
then i smile, i laugh once more
offer myself as emotions *****
though in that moment of breathlessness
where i don't have to face this test
there is a hope that i'll just stop
no more struggle to that top
dear ocean then, call my soul
let me pretend that i am whole
for i would swim the waters again
please, let me swim the waters again.

April Showers

Kurt Cobain died in April
His heart hurt too much to watch his baby girl witnessing him suffer
He left a not telling her that he did this for her
and as for Courtney, she held on to him as tight as he would let her,
knowing depression and addiction are the evil in the world
I can relate to craving the taste of metal in my mouth,
of ******* someone so hard that they nearly break from all of the hurt I pull out of them and make my own.
What he did was not selfish, was not a rash decision,
what he did was self preservation, he traded his body for another one
by crushing the control center of this one.
It was his last resort and leaving behind his baby was the only choice for her to find happiness.
I understand Kurt
The last time I felt the willingness to be alive was the last day that we were together.
That last ride I took free falling backwards into your truck as you navigated the roads that we so often used to call home.
I have shriveled in this world into such a small being
I have forgotten what it is like to feel like living is a good thing
But I will stick around here for you.

This perfection
at my finger tips ebbing closer and closer
circling satellite numbers inside my head
55, 47,42,38, 35,29, 28, 24, 20, smaller, smaller, smaller
This is all that matters

Brittle bones
accentuated hip bones
bruises smatter over transparent skin
like a painters next painting that found a home in the dumpster full of could haves

Flat stomach
Ya, celery is my favorite food...
and I can't seem to get out of bed

Sunken eyes,
but I don't do drugs

Perfection is so close
Numbers
Smaller and smaller
Flatter and flatter

I left behind the person I used to be
She is waiting on the other side
with open arms