i liked you best when
you were sleeping: your face still,
your problems all gone.

i must reinvent
so my friends will forget and
strangers will want to.

i have a nosebleed
and i breathe steam
seamlessly from this black hole,
******* life-air away
from those who actually
deserve
to live.

why this blood-red mud
frightens my friends
i'll never know-
it's me! so real!
me, the drinkable.
me, so easily consumable.
me, in a manipulative form.

my clay brain, melted,
sliding through my nose,
it brings the *****
little piece
of **** that i am
out into the light

where everyone can see it.

i miss you,
in such a boring way.
my eyes materialize you
slowly, and blurry,
and automatic.

i don't need to wish you were here
to wish you were here.

all the tangled veins broke
and the waterworks started.
little firework drops
colored my skin on the surface.

and you took this all in
watching me barely breathing,
my soggy heart hardly beating
in the palm of your hand.

i've never wanted anything
more than i wanted this:
my life in your hands,
my DNA in your fingerprints.

this is the only way to die-
at the hands of a stranger i wanted so much,
who could see my entire life at once
by reading my heart's pulp like tea leaves.

i crush all of my thoughts-
seizing those fleeting-
and put them right back into me.

my arm looks like a mood ring.

green for envy
and blue for broken.
black and purple,
both pathetic.
yellow is yellow.

when my skin fades back
to it's dowdy, cloudy white,
i'll know
i'm numb
again.

no color, no feeling.