Thoughts of you consume me.

In this moment, I miss you more than ever.

it began with eye contact,
it proceeded with a kiss.

turned into a mouth shut tight.
and a hand that didn’t want to write.
drowning in  d e n i a l.
knowing very well it could only spew the truth:

the you i painted in poems,
a truth that would never exist.

it eventually resurfaced with pain.
piercing sadness masked with a burning anger.

it continued with pain.

it ended with only more poems.
but not of you,
of hope.
of love for myself.
for my strength.
for rescuing myself.
and for finally realizing
that you never could.    

--

and yet here i am:
post-pain,
post-hatred,
post-you.
still writing poems about it.
just so that i can be free to feel something else.
there is still anger—
but only such that is reflected unto myself.
for trusting someone who never even earned it.
for loving someone who never even did.

i know now:
the poems i wrote about you
are better than you ever will be.
gave me more than you ever could.
a monster i painted as a savior.
one poem. at a time.

my words are pure,
& you could never take that away from me.
my words,
they only saw the best in you.
the small, minuscule sliver that shined brighter than the rest of you.
insignificant in theory.
but something my words could turn into beauty.

…painting you as everything i wanted you to be.
ignoring the thorns.
and the poison.
that you stuck me with.
which only grew stronger
and more prominent with time.
only to ultimately destroy me.
quieted my words.
because the sliver of you was now gone.
the thorns and the poison were all that were.
existing only to ultimately subdue me.
the savior finally revealed as a monster.
but i could not get out.

for three years you poisoned me.
dug your thorns into me deeper and deeper.
i was stuck and pricked so many times
my skin was permanently blood red,
covered in scars.
squeezing my bones
that could take no more.
shackled to a love that was never a love,
a person that was never a person.
a form of exile.
******* the beauty out of my name.
a voice that could only make my skin crawl.
my sense of trust ripped to shreds.  
a trust that will never be the same.

but from horror,
from trauma,
from violence,
from pain,
i gave birth to strength.
manifested a jail cell
into intoxicating
freedom.

Passion,
Born from warmth
Fueled by the ****
It needs your flesh
Screaming souls
Slowing emotions
Let's form smiles,
Not scars

Just because you cannot return does not mean that the answer is still hidden
Dancing freedom began upon the palm of your hand
Where you stood in a blind whisper
Written veins reign closer and closer
The amateur is defeated
And a purer spirit exists
Only to be later faced
By an all-consuming entity

But when nature embraces the storm,
Strength is gained
And the stars cry out
Seeing sadness as only a
Symptom

By: Evynne Doue

Standing in the middle of the street, the sky black and starless, it is late, but the night is filled with possibility as drizzling raindrops reach down to kiss our cheeks and noses and eyelids

I see nothing but you

My eyes locked tightly to yours, everything around us is still and quiet as more rain trickles down and a gentle breeze swifts through the air
We don't pay regard to any of it because the only thing that matters is the fixed gaze our eyes hold as our arms are fastened tightly around each other
We cannot look away, captivated by the other's presence

We are completely immersed in the moment when you finally open your mouth to whisper something softly to me

We both lean forward, letting the splendor of the moment take control, pulling us closer and closer to each other until our lips touch for the first time, forming perfectly to each other, molding feelings into the movements of our mouths locked tightly together
A voice cries out inside of me, aching with desire and composure, saying, "Never let go, hold me tight''

We pull away in a modest state of shock due to the enchantment of the anticipated and formal rendezvous of the two compelling and winsome pairs of our lips
Our eyes are once again riveted to each other, and twinkling grins have effortlessly manifested across both of our spry and inviting faces

I can feel the exuberance and elation of the moment beaming between us as your hands reach up to gently grasp each side of my face and your thumbs softly caress each of my cheeks
I could swim in the looming sensation and passion for eternity

Our lips meet again, my insides fluttering, slowly igniting with a feeling no words can describe, a feeling I yearn to seal into a jar for safe keeping and hold next to my warm and beating heart forever
It all feels intrinsic, natural, as if we have been doing it for ages
And I feel whole and beautiful, hoping we never have to let go

Kissing you is an easy thing, it feels comfortable, undemanding
It feels safe, making it seem we are one entity
Like we are two bodies with two hands and two pairs of lips but one soul and one heart
And I cannot help but wonder if this is the person I have been longing for and anticipating my entire life, dreaming of and wondering if we would ever meet

I cannot force myself to break your gaze or my body to move away from yours, feeling whole and beautiful once more

Our lips touch for the last time and then pull away timidly,
Longing for each other
Hoping to meet again

our love is,
dreary morning eyes
& the sun peeking through
mouths that still reek of dreams,
& smiles that soothe

our love is foggy windows
& sweaty bodies
the scent of your skin
& the scent of mine
nights that slip away
& the star above that shines

our love is smooth words
& voices still tainted by sleep
faces painted with smiles
& kisses that make you weak

our love is the position only
our bodies know
the entire continent of us
a map connecting fate
pure feeling
& a vulnerability that feels safe

our love is watching 80s music videos in bed
entangled & innate
laughing just because
it is something to appreciate

our love is adventure-filled days
& treasured memories to keep
a feeling deep within
as our hearts take a leap

our love is a method of praise
your presence like heaven
lost in a blissful daze
i wonder, all of my life, where have you been?

Reflections of palm trees and ocean waves
In the luster of my spiraling brown green and gold irises

Walking along the shore line
I am one with the ocean,
One with the sand,
One with the waves,
One with the nature and beauty surrounding me

I am the ocean,
The sunshine,
The sand and the waves,
I am Sanibel

I am the beach,
A plethora of sand and shells
Reaching down for the ocean's soothing caress,
As waves rise up and
Kiss me in perfect intervals

The ocean inside of me,
Salty tears that reside in the
Secret canals of my eyelids

There are newborn freckles
On my young cheeks and poking nose
My face resembles the warm and soft sand
Quietly laying in the company of the
Friendly and inviting sea

My skin, sun kissed,
Radiates with warmth and love,
Possessing a beautiful golden flare
That emits all of the sun's most desired idiosyncrasies

The ocean is forever
But never the same as the day before
Forever changing, always moving
I am the ocean and the ocean is me

Love in an open hand
Free
Unhidden
And I am drowning in it

You like to store your knowledge in books and the quiet haikus that you write in your head all day long
Past mistakes may be flying around you like confused little demons with knives threatening to shatter all of the good thoughts
Just remember the promises
It is all so easily fixed
Not with a razor blade
Or a hard shot of liquor to the throat
The hollowing in your stomach tells you that bleeding isn't a sign of weakness
But it should never be brought on intentionally
And although savoring your youth is important, you shouldn't dwell on it
You can still remind yourself of the beauty of your innocence and it is okay to release that sigh that rolls off your tongue heavy and hard
Sending burning flares of emotion to your heart
Ugly, but never lasting for eternity like a handwritten letter does
Kind of like a cup of hot tea at midnight

Your thoughts will always be innocent
Allowing mountains of passion to form that only belong innerly  
While numb answers swirl around in your steaming cup
As painted letters line up like numbers on your skin
With words bound tightly
Waves of familiar fate grow louder like beats
Each minute spent feeling fragile shouldn't affect how you were built
Grasp those precious fields of love and tuck them safely underneath your heart
Growing in strength is an inevitability and your toes will never defy your legs
Loneliness may be desirable but that image of yourself is burned and twisted in your mind
You have healed and the experience is full of energy wrapping around your bones
And fault echoes in your head but it is all so silly now
Reaching for the sunshine buried deep in your core
You shed the false rage and struggle with despair as the evening retreats
Your depths grow deeper and flames of remembered pain rush through
But your birth is a beautiful miracle
And history explains how the sunlight welcomes
And will always be there to kiss your skin and guide you to places unknown
Until you are full of nothing but warmth and rapture
Your existence is such a lovely, lovely thing
Never forget that

Two little charms in my pocket
A quarter and a bottle cap
They chase each other through my fingers
Over and over and over
They remind me of us

Cold hands
But a loving and warm heart
Acidic-like eyes that burn into you
With their brown, green, and gold luster

The smooth curve of full lips
Quivering
A smile shaped like the crescent moon
Only appearing every once in a while
A rare but loyal commodity

A mind like a never-ending war
With thoughts that act as deadly weapons
*You never come back the same

I kept all the photographs
We were beautiful and bored and weird, but we were comfortable
Trying to light cigarettes with a lighter that was out of fluid
Doing some drugs to make the world pretty again
Getting lost in our thoughts and getting lost in each other
Gazing at the world through the rearview mirror of his car
We had no idea

All we had, we lost
We were never meant to be part of the future
I looked at him and thought about the intensity with which I loved him
And yet, all I could hear myself say was, "We're not gonna make it"
Then he said it out loud
So I repeated it back
And we were so happy, so careless
We knew we wouldn't last so we laughed and laughed and carried on and kissed until our mouths were too dry and the day still wanted to last

We were beautiful and bored and weird
But we were never gonna make it
We never did make it

Paper souls like shadows
Pleasant fingertips of your youth
Dancing hearts looming in your brain
Bodies
Awake
But dreaming
Unknown but willing touches
Tired and playful
Evening faces infinite with age
Sitting and singing
A lovely little tune
Mysterious and raw
Troublesome
Seemingly rare contact
Apparent company
Struggling
Extreme

Flowers desired in awe
Embracing admiration
And powerful knowledge
Tense and physical
Searing and noticed embraces
Avoiding relentless phrases
Fixed and terrifying

Puddles ripple gracefully like a soft and easy heartbeat
Entities possessing revealed and complicated empathy
Escaping definition
Forming fervor on their semblance
Newborn universes within a dimension
Continuous freckles
Extreme and longing
Multiple intents
Effortless commodities
Emitting tiny, never-ending adventures
*Silly, little flower
Come away with me tonight

Something about the way she sighs
Always taking those long, drawn-out breaths
Because she once grew so accustomed to taking such long, drown-out drags from her cigarette
Though she broke the habit of smoking
She could never break the habit of breathing so deeply
But you like small sounds

Something about the way she laughs quietly
Like her voice is shy and timid of being acknowledged
But you like small sounds
So you notice

Something about the way she mumbles
In bed, she once whispered, "I'll never leave you"
And you weren't sure if she was awake or asleep
But it didn't matter, you believed her anyway
Because you like small sounds
And you love her quiet way

There is a woman
Eager with doubt
Missing the secrets
As kisses fade
Fears push onward
Foolish feelings surface

Sorrow keeps the gray hearts breaking
And the lonely souls aching

She paints the streets
Until they are glistening
Wildly
With her tears

Imagine an idea
That is screaming and golden
Growing special
Each day

The weight of my existence was harder to handle
A clean grace that remained
Through the night
I started to run for some reason
And the sensation was strange
But no one noticed
I closed my eyes
And painted the canvas that sits
On the backs of my eyelids
With bright hues
Of all of my favorite colors
Swirls of red, blue, pink, yellow, purple and green
The colors are calming and only
Propel me forward
Now the streets are changing colors
And my breath is getting heavier

In the middle,
The streets become wider
Turning in circles
And I want to blame
Someone
Or something
But I am done being bitter
And beating myself up all the time
I am smiling now
At all of the beautiful and colorful things
Manifesting right in front of my eyes

There is a ***** bliss
And my mind is more attentive
I do not feel as though I need to continue searching,
Letting all of the aching wondering swirl up and around me
Invading my pure and unconscious thoughts
Making me feel like an evil little mess
And then I remind myself that I am my own worst critic

There are frequent,
But completely unknown,
Voices that exist inside of my thoughts
They're not always nice to each other either
They all talk at the same time
And it gets really confusing
They're rarely quiet
But when they are,
The hollowness is not comfortable

As I run,
The voices seem to be talking faster and louder
And I want it all to stop

It feels like my loneliness is spurting out of me in colorful hues like warm gurgling blood  
And I belong to a precious experience
Possessing a knowledge and a passion that was released into my innocence as a youth
Now that my innocence has diminished,
The passion and the knowledge have changed shape
But they are more prominent
Stronger and more powerful than ever before

There are flames on the mountaintops as I stand below them
A stranger laughs and the sunshine glints perfectly atop my twisted and stained fingertips
My wounds have been shed
The rage that was once poison has transformed
Despite the depths of the secret monster that lives inside of me
Hanging despair up by clothespins
I know that the void is fading

Tender wisdom as the greatest killing machine and strings like puppets with no imagination
Respect as a season
That is stuck and stained
Higher
Reaching the horizon
Understanding the changing stream of colors and voices alike

Courage as thunder
Rough weather,
But a beautiful outcome
Kissing the smoothing madness
That swims inside of me daily
Travelling strangers repeating humanity
The mystery is painful
The company is invisible
She'll perfectly fade and disappear and though you will be sad,
You must not forget that it will all be beautiful
And perfect

The ****** ancient curse
And the hidden nasty beast
Have conversations that rhyme
But the gods shine down speaking infinitely
Begging for me to destroy the shell
And fill the holes
Brush off the dirt
And swallow the moonlight

Delicate fields of flying pink petals surround me
The chaos is twice as intense
But never forget that one must
Have chaos burning within them
To give birth to a shining star

By: Evynne Doue

Rubbing our fists in our eyes
Until we see nebulas and galaxies
Our raptures
They are either all air or all fire
That certain madness we contain
Which rightly dominates
Our poetic brains
Shoving our thoughts back down
Our throats
Which always seem to surface
On paper later
Wandering off the edge of the world
Our hearts
They burn and destroy
Our words
Run down from the tops of our heads
And out from our thunderous and beating hearts
Often times
Our shadows
Seem more real than our distant bodies

And so again,
With these words
A tiny place we call sanctuary
This moment...
Like some great redemption

The change is
Intoxicatingly
Beautiful

Colorful life forms
Suddenly cover
The entirety of the ******
Formerly a deathful void
Now a beautiful and lively
Whole

Her breath sends
A sweet scent
Over all of the
Land

A happiness
    So unexpected
    So lovely
    So breathtaking
I do not know
What to do
With my overflowing
Heart

I want to be higher than the clouds, lost in a dream of white haze
For days and days and day and days
Take me to the city in the sky
And I'll never come down, I won't even try
Escaping has never seemed to fail me
Sure, it's caused some problems, but only due to instability
I'm buying a ticket for the next train out of here
I am done constantly living in fear
A place to get lost, a place to be free
A place in the clouds, a place just for me
I am leaving now, I am leaving
Please, no one try and stop me
Goodbye, goodbye, I say to you, goodbye
You might never see me again, I won’t deny
But for now, goodbye

Sleeping lovers
Mad with drive
Naked hearts
Torn from their homes
Forcing lack of emotion
Drunk
Covered in dirt
Listening to the wine calling
Searching for the key
Locked away with
The demons

Quick, darling
The flames have
Barely covered
The garden
We still have
Time

Yesterday's
Distance
Is no match
For our
Loss

Someday,
The ghosts will bleed
And
We will win

He built houses out of
Tiny twigs
Along the etched lines
On the palms of his
Rugged hands
To give me somewhere
To call home again

They say most things are better,
When shared with another.
Well,
No one else comes to mind when I think of
The ideal and only person
I would be willing to share
All of my love with.
All of my life
My joy
My sorrow
My everything.
He* is the ultimate answer
Love is the ultimate answer
He and love
They are the same
And they are
Everywhere
In everything
In every ounce of my boiling blood
And every fraction
Of every fiber
In my timid being.

He is overwhelming
In the same way in which it feels
To be in a beautiful foreign country
For the first time
He is addicting
Like the first three
(And next four)
Cigarettes you smoke
After telling everyone you have quit
He is irresistible
Just like that
One certain scent
The one that always brings
A flashflood of memories
And feelings
And beauty
And safety
Back up to surface until
Every inch of your skin
Is tingling
With raw sensation
A thirst explodes out of
the deepest part of you
As it brings you back
To the very last time you ever
felt something so special
Which is exactly the reason
You will do anything in your will
To get
One more lungful
Just to bring you back
To that beautifully indescribable place
One more time

He crocheted me with kisses
And wooed me with words
Penetrating the years of fear and hurt
Built like a fortress around my heart
And sending every nerve in my body
Into a ****** tangent.
Under the right light,
It's as if I am adorned
With flowers
**Because of him.

Before meeting him,
There was a feeling that
Dominated my being
To the point that
At times,
It was crippling.
It was a feeling that constantly tugged at
The outer parts of my insides,
Always making its presence known
In the most abominable of ways.
It was a feeling that made me feel
As if I was missing someone,
Something,
So much
That it was like I was missing
A part of myself.
Like somewhere down the road,
I misplaced a very important,
Very special,
Part of me.
And then
There was this feeling in my gut
That told me I had to do
Whatever it took to get it back,
Whatever it was.
It was a feeling that made me believe
That the one thing I truly needed was
Somewhere out there,
Hiding behind some stunningly tragic
And beautifully flawed
Perfection of this mind-numbing
Human reality.

And it was,
I found it in him.

Think of me as smoke
As I float here and there slowly
Chasing the shape of your body
I drift away and return only to collide with the warm breath
That escapes from your mouth with so much ease
As I slowly get closer and closer
I drift towards you until I reach your lips
You reach for me
But I am gone
I have vanished
Right before you can grasp me
I slip through your fingertips
And I am nowhere to be found
I can only be yours if you search for me until you find me again
Because at least then I will know you will never leave me

Uninvited ridges appearing almost instantly on the surface of my skin
My body shy to the feeling they bring
Each one, a dream swelling in a desperate hope to become a reality

        To caress your moonlit skin
        For your lips to pay homage my tingling nape
        To stroke your crescent lips
        For you to cradle my timid being
        To rub your pillowy girth

And as these sensations consummate, each yearning speck will settle back into my heart
Until the next time comes when something small like your touch or your voice summons them back to the semblance of my freckled flesh once again

Standing there
Staring down at myself
I wonder
Would one consider
Me a
Victim
or a
Valiant?

I am flesh
I am bones
I am mania
I am melancholy
I am madness

My clouded reflection eyes me
Like it is analyzing
My every twitch
Trying to decide if
I am a victim of this
Or maybe if it is a victim
That I have saved
It can see that I am dependent
(I depend on the pills
To make a difference)

I stare into blank eyes
A sober face
I touch my rippling reflection
Like I could actually feel it
For what it is
In its true essence
All it does is
Disappear

I look at myself
And wonder
Who took it
And took it from me
In silence
Until I had given it
All away
And silence
Was all I had left?

The surface calms
I can see my face again
My eyes look glossy
Like I am
Somewhere else
(I am)
In the dark mirror
A woman is trying to
Make waves with her legs
No, she is just
Passing by
Am I a victim
To this travesty
I am unintentionally
A part of?
Or am I a hero
Because I have managed
To conquer it
Before it could
Fill me up
And sink me down
Until I
*Disappeared forever?

Perhaps tomorrow will be the day that
The flowers will finally bloom
War is never easy
The pieces never smell the way they look
Forgotten wings in the game
Become shadows
And near the wall is where all of the goodbyes are said
Everything is dying
But the crying will eventually pass
Or so, that is all we can hope for
To dust off the past
And never forget that the idea of heaven was born from a desire to never be forgotten
Fear, a catalyst, among other things
Is a push and a pull
Heavy in control
Forever standing in the shadows

By: Evynne Doue

The sun touches my skin
Days like this are fleeting
And make me feel happy just because
Days like this feel like dreams
That make everything seem a little bit better than before
I search as I wander
Singing hopes along my metaphysical journey
The dirt looks bronze and my clothes feel heavy
The dreaming begins again
And my eyes seem to glow with the sun
Forcing me to write
Making my gift shine like the light
Covered in emotion
My vision slightly blurred
Sweat lingers on my back like the taste of wine does on my tongue
The page is filling up
As deeper casts of sunlight lock down onto my frantically moving hand
I quietly forgive myself for all of those things
Over and over and over again
Just so I can hear it one more time
My shoes come off

I listen to the distant sounds
Thinking about the battle my own mind created
A magic flame burns on my arms
And in the garden a stranger bids an early hello as pleasure swirls like the scent of flowers around my nose
I think about how much I have grown since the screams that used to drown me and the tears that used to suffocate me
I suppose the worst is over
Because the pride has started and what I fully deserve is not that far ahead

I opened my eyes and taught myself to not romanticize the idea of loss
And the clock sent a cloud of thoughts that barely covered the entrance to the abyss I call my mind
The path of pain and destruction is ending and theres a fork in the road
No more wandering down the wrong trails anymore
I always thought, someday things will be better and I will be better and the ***** bliss that comes with my love of loneliness will subside
It will no longer be shared with its dear friend named sadness
But maybe the longing will forever be felt upon my shoulders
But maybe that is enough

Everyone wins at some point or another
I guess you just have to enjoy it while it lasts
And when it subsides
You'll board the train and watch the ghosts through the foggy windows as you sit there alone
Looking upon a seemingly fake reflection
You'll slip through the doors just in time and find that you're holding the key in your hand
Christmas time will come and you won't be held back by the bottle
And things will be complete and you'll probably find yourself constantly missing the gray lady who used to whisper horrible things in your head as she sat upon each of your shoulders and smiled a crooked smile that spread to each side of her face
You'll imagine her blowing life's pain in rings like cigarette smoke around your neck
Drowning your thoughts
Making your ears bleed
And the ink remains

But each week is a step forward
It's okay not to be grounded
But you have to be sure you're not floating too far away
Waste is not desired
Especially when you find your youth diminishing faster and faster with each measly year

Let it all sink in
But never forget the frozen winds that used to beckon to you and call you darling
And remember what happens when you lose yourself
Promising to never let yourself get that deep into the forest
Without admitting how lost you are
Ever again

I was three years old and found the world to be oddly peculiar
Everything was infinite
Kisses were for showing someone you loved them
I found myself at my great grandfather's funeral and wasn't able to grasp the concept of death
And that really bothered me
It tugged at me, begging to be understood

I was five years old and mourning my grandfather's sudden and unexpected death
The world was still oddly peculiar
Things were still infinite
But I was ashamed of my grief-stricken tears
Kisses weren't poisonous yet
But I now understood how fast things could come to an end
And I felt the truth behind that inside of my heart
It had sharp edges and it never went away

I was six years old and missing my father's presence in my life
I taught myself to ride a bike while he sat in his office with the door shut as he always did
Everything remained infinite but loss was prevalent
And I missed something that wasn't there
Kisses didn't come quite as often
And I now noticed my thirst for approval and my need for affection
For I was lacking in both

I was eight years old and contemplating the world on a very profound level
Asking questions that I still ask myself to this very day
Kisses were now flagrant and everything was still somewhat infinite
But my shoulders already felt heavy with burden
Loneliness was starting to learn my name
And loss was still prevalent

I was twelve and thinking up stories as I would lie awake in bed at night
Searching for sleep
Things weren't quite so infinite anymore but at least I still had my innocence
Kisses were suspicious and sleep didn't come as easily as it used to
I was quiet but very observant, still profoundly contemplating the world and the entire universe in relation to my own existence

I was fifteen and trying to forget it happened
Kisses were longing and I was completely lacking in love
Things were no longer infinite and loneliness finally took me under its wing
It nurtured me slowly but surely
Forming sadness around my bones and a strong fortress around my heart

I was sixteen and infatuated with the idea of being out of control
My heart was bruised and beat up but the farthest from vulnerable
I felt alive again
But even so, nothing was infinite
And loneliness was now my dearest friend
Kisses were electric
I still possessed a small bit of my innocence
But I struggled internally
And the sadness would soon completely envelop me

I was seventeen and drowning in my loneliness
Choking on it every single morning
And shoving it down my throat every single night
Sadness was an inevitable constant
I knew it intimately
Sleep rarely came to me and things were tough
Life was difficult
Living was hard for me
Nothing was infinite anymore and kisses will always be dangerous but fleeting

I was seventeen and mourning the sudden and unexpected death of a dear friend
I was seventeen and grieving my grandfather's cruel and lengthy defeat to cancer
I was lost and depressed and I wanted to die
Young and reckless but hurting
And so very, very lonely
Still lacking in both love and affection

I was eighteen and hiding the fresh scars on the insides of my arms and the upper parts of my thighs
I felt hopeless and was consumed with guilt and self-hatred
I thirsted for an answer
An answer to why things were like this
Why I was the way I was
I could see no point in living
I was hanging on by a single thread
The taste of wine was prevalent on my tongue as I tirelessly looked for love in all of the wrong places
Losing myself completely along the way
I was empty and entirely consumed by my loneliness
It now held a dark shroud over my heart
With deception lurking in its paths

I was eighteen and ready to give up when I found myself in a big, leather chair in a psychiatrist's office
I was against the idea of medication
All I wanted was an answer
And it was when I finally got that answer that things started feeling a little better
At least I knew

I was eighteen and embracing my deepest, darkest secret with grace
Devoting my efforts entirely to getting better
Gaining stability again
I made several lifestyle changes
All the while, still asking…
Why me? Why should anyone have to live with this?
But my hard work paid off and I slowly became the very best me I could be
I was stable, I was disciplined

I am now nineteen and nothing will ever be infinite anymore
But the small tastes that I get to have of my now devoid innocence makes that all bearable
Kisses are frequent and I am overflowing with love
My loneliness is no longer noticeable and when it comes down to it, I can say things are so good
And mean it wholeheartedly

For the very first time in my life
*I am whole

i apologize in advance
(and i guess you have figured it out)
i cannot stay
but while i'm gone
my anxious heart will be writing poems for you
(because you are my home)

i bet i taste lonely
kiss me again so i can know for sure
but then you'll just leave so i guess i'll know then too

my fingers have become blind
to the passing warmth of years and
my lips have forgotten
way too soon