You come to me in a memory
You come as something broken
Something lost
Something long gone
You come as a message in a bottle
However the bottle broke
And the message is soggy
You come like midnight
Dark
A little too quiet
Or a little too loud to be happy
You come as a barrier
You get in the way of me moving forward
You come like an ice cold winter morning
A little too frozen to fix with coffee
You come as a memory of who I was
You come to tell me what I'm not
You come to me when I think I might be alright
But I'm not
You come to me in a memory
To remind me that's all I've got
A memory of something I lost

It's late at night and my mind is at its worse. I guess the pressure of things falling into place is hard for me, but it shouldn't be. I guess the thoughts i  have of everyone leaving me is now becoming a reality , and the one relationship I'm suppose to value, no longer feels valuable. So my mind begins to search for all the loose ends trying to put them back together in hopes that it will get better. " who am I kidding", saying it will get better Is like saying the Great Wall of China was built in a day,  because getting better is one of those things that with a mind like mine we live off of believing will come true. I wrote a letter the other day, a letter of hatred to all the people who have ever hurt me. In that letter the only person that seemed to hurt me was "me". It was my own reflection in the mirror. As if it appeared to be mocking me.

We played hopscotch, and jumped rope. We picked on the kids that weren't cool like us. We dreamed that one day we'd be at each other's weddings,being god mothers and spoiling each other's kids. It's like we were stuck like glue, we shared secrets and made memories. Helped with breakups and even shared crushes ( sometimes the boys weren't cute), we didn't care it was the little things we shared. Almost like we were inseparable , like long lost sisters. Holding everything close to our hearts. Late night phone calls about everything and anything , Sometimes calling to cry or even to laugh about absolutely nothing but we enjoyed it! Something we thought would last forever. We talked about growing old and seeing the new generation making us almost feel like we were ancient, Quickly realizing we were getting ahead of ourselves a little. Shopping to find the perfect outfits and leaving with the same outfits and planning the days we'd wear them. Till just one small thing Change our forever. We didn't see eye to eye anymore , having the same crushes turned into seeing who could get them first as if it was a game(because at that age we didn't know love).

It's like it took one day and there was two different people standing in the mirror , two people that were not us. The one I shared my secrets with now became the one i feared to keep them, the one who was now on the other side beating me down and backing me up against the wall. Someone I didn't know , someone who left me so powerless. Hitting me like a ton of bricks. I'd be wrong to point fingers but there is not other explanation for the sudden change that I didn't prepare for.

My best friend, I guess That is what you call them, but I mean it takes a lot for them to earn that and so little to loose it. Not you, after all the troubles through out those 3 or 4 years I still called you my best friend , because after all you did know everything. If you think it got better for the friendship when we hit middle school. We now were finding who we are, still trying to keep the strong friendship that we once had. Eventually that friendship became into separate at that time they were called "crews".

I was the target and was forever the target!! We seemed to change over time and put our differences aside, but you know that saying " never judge a book by its cover" it's the same with friends, which is hard for people to get really. High school is just that, a whole bunch of judgemental books judging others, a library of bad books, you know the ones no one ever read unless the back has something to do with ***,relationships or drama. Well that is high school , the place you're suppose to have the best 4 years of your life! I guess you can if you find the right group of non judgmental books.

Rude, ugly, hated upon, disrespectful, selfish,unwanted, loner,spoiled. That's what they see and think, but if you were to actually take the time you would see the complete opposite. You see I think the same things about myself, but carry myself other wise, as to be putting on a show. To changes the mind of a few would take the effort of changing a million, it takes the respect for oneself to gain that of others. It takes accepting you before others can do the same, but there has always been the question of what accepting yourself means.. You see l live in this Fantasy world. I live in a society that being weird isn't okay, and because you're weird and stand out you do not fit in with the mold, because my hair doesn't fall a certain way, it is not the right texture or I do not have the perfect curls. I am different ,Where loosing your virginity seems to be a trend rather than achieving the things people said you cannot.Because being thin, having a natural beauty, being tall is the best thing. I live in a society that has done nothing but made me feel so uncomfortable with my self because I am not what they define as beautiful... I live in a society that seems to be my one true enemy. As if I was born in the wrong generation as to test my ability of what it is to live. But it's is not just the physical things, it is the emotional and mental. This society had taught us to never show what it is we feel, we much not show one another our weakness's because that leaves us vulnerable. Vulnerable to what? I have never really understood why we cannot strive to be our own people, why we must be like one another. I have never really understood , why were seen and being depressed because we naturally are able to feel more sadness than others, why those are seen as being suicidal because they have come to realize that they are not ready for what this society has to offer, they are not ready to live somewhere they are seen as being uncapable, where talking is a chance to give more pills, where talking is seen as a sign of an action soon to follow. But I cannot speak for those suffering, it is me I can only speak for.  Which at times seems even the slight impossible to do, because I find myself wanting to believe that I am not like what I am seen as.. Where one day no one will have to see scars to know your aren't okay, that realizing talking is really only the best you can do for some people, and because I am writing this doesn't mean that I am " depressed" or " suicidal" . It just means that I am one more person who is able to express the way they feel, I am one more person who is able to keep going, because I am 17 and my life is an open book, each chapter is different, but will connect in one way or another , because sadness will always be my foundation, finding the light will be my only goal and the Beginning of every chapter....

i'm done with these poems,
these words that i share
they will no longer be about you
i'm done trying to fix you,
you don't need me anymore
it will never be forever
don't call me anymore
don't cry to me anymore
you don't need me anymore

So this is her  life .... Has been and probably will be forever.. Because She will always be depressed Sheannice who can never see the fun in things.. The girl who kills to make others happy because she herself cannot .... Pushes everyone away because she's afraid of Someone who will stay... She hides the things that hurt her most because re living them brings only more pain than it should.. Getting close to people is never a plan because nothing lasts forever, trapped in a world of what if's, struggling each day to stop the things that put her at the edge of goodbyes rather than hellos, smiles hide the pain, something no one can explain