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Zoë Sep 12
this is a textbook moment
ask the question or you'll regret it
i never realized how hard this could be
for it all to be gone in a second

i couldn't even reach it if i ran
i'm utterly helpless
all i can do is beg
my hands shake

i am quickly reassured
but how do you know it's true?
why would i say those words,
to such a fragile soul?
think, you idiot

i can't take them back so
i must explain.
i trip over my words like a nervous child
but it works

i finally hang up the phone
and realize i've been holding my breath for an hour
i exhale and return

"there's only one cure for your wounds"
he says with a wink
my throat burns but i smile
it's okay
Zoë Sep 12
Caught between two distinctly different worlds
I  drown in my thoughts
I finally look up and his mouth is moving
But I can't hear

Everyone speaks the language
But I don't understand it

I move through the minutes
Because what else would I do?

My new life feels like a constant countdown
I find myself at times forgetting though

New people hold my hand like an old friend
And offer their bed willingly for little sleep
I reach out
But quickly retract

Where am I anyways?
Zoë Mar 2018
Some days I curse his name until I rest
And others I call him in the middle of the day so he doesn’t take his life
He is hurting
Deep down he really is
His heart breaks
But it’s his hands that shatter it
So he is silenced

I try not to think about him
For I begin to feel guilty
Guilty for being the reason he needs help
Guilty for staying true to myself
Guilty for not being who he wants me to be

And then I begin to feel angry
Angry that he tore apart my life
Angry that he acts like he didn’t
Angry that he is everything a father should not be

Yet I am silenced too

For he is broken
Sleeping and dreaming of a life
A life he didn’t ruin

He keeps guns close
So I must keep him close enough
Zoë Jul 2017
as a child, i believed that the world was a good place.
i believed that only people in movies could lie so much
and that things don't actually "happen like that".
i believed that the world had good people.

believing in all that was the biggest mistake i could have ever made.
and it only took one person to prove to me that all of those beliefs were completely untrue.

the world is full of liars and cheaters.
but these liars and these cheaters, don't get in trouble for lying or cheating, but sometimes even get rewarded. they are granted with things like money or a new house or even a brand new family.

movies are created because there are true stories behind them. people can't "make things up" because terrible things happen in our society everyday. people leave, people die, people cry, people steal and ****. movies sometimes do show that things "happen like that". they may even "happen like that" right under your own roof and maybe, you didn't even see it coming.

in my mind, people are bad, unless they do something good.
i used to think this was pessimism but now i consider it safety.
i used to think that this certain man that i knew was the greatest man on earth. he held me on his shoulders, so strong, and blessed me with his words, so wise and showered me with his love, so plentiful. until one day, he didn't feel like it anymore. and then he left me without. i don't really remember those days, but i see pictures where the smile on my face can only show how freely he gave his love. but giving love is a choice. and now he chooses to give it to someone else.

as a child, i guess i wasn't all that smart.
i believed that this world was a safe place, free of liars and cheaters and bad people. i believed that movies were telling fictional stories and that people were so good and pure. but i was wrong and now it haunts me when i sleep, and even more when i wake up.
Zoë Jul 2017
you first spotted me up there on the shelf
shiny and new to your eyes.
you smiled at my glory
and took me carefully in your hands.
you brought me home with you
and on your face was the biggest smile that i thought the world had ever seen.
after a while,
you remembered i was only a toy.
you had me in your hand already
and you could do with me,
whatever your heart desired.
you made me feel special at first,
as if i was the only toy you had ever wanted,
as children do.
i smiled and felt so important,
until i was thrown into your toy box.
i looked around in disbelief,
tears in my eyes,
as other toys surrounded me.
in your heart, you felt just as much love for them,
as you did for me.
at some time or another,
the glow was no longer in your eyes when you looked at me.
i was *****,
i was old.
i fell deeper and deeper into your toy box,
until i hit the wood at the bottom.
these are the toys you no longer play with,
the ones you have forgotten.
Zoë Feb 2017
he makes you feel special,
like you are the only one,
until you realize,
that it was the biggest lie.

he promises to heal,
he promises to patch up all your wounds,
he promises to pick you back up,
and cradle you in his loving arms.

he is gone.
a distant memory,
an old friend.

so what to do? what to do?
cry yourself to sleep,
smash a plate onto the ground.
pretend that you don't care.

your mind says,
leave him
block him out

you convince yourself finally,
that you don't need him,
that you are okay on your own,
that he meant nothing.

and he's back,
wrapping his arms around you,
promising, promising, promising
and you believe every word

and when he leaves again,
leaving you crying,
****** knees,
and an aching heart.

call yourself a fool,
cry for a moment,
and get back up,
all on your own.

be stronger than the person he made you,
show him that things will indeed be okay without him.
you are tough.
you are strong.
Zoë Feb 2017
i long for something more.
i want a rush,
my heart to pound in my chest.
i want the music to blast in my ears,
and for the time to fly.
i want to wake up with a smile on my face,
in the same clothes as the night before.
i wanna pretend that i don't feel so scared,
and that i'm not so fragile.
just for one night,
i want to pretend like i don't have the responsibility,
like i can just be,
without thinking about what or how to be.
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