Ariel

Ariel Apr 2019

Rage

It’s funny how life is
How my biggest fear in life—no, it didn’t happen to me
It touched my best friend instead.

He did something unspeakable
She is broken now
And all I am filled with is unquenchable
Undeniable
Rage.

I want to tear him limb from limb
I want to beat him black and blue
Make his face unrecognizable
Make him regret the things he did to her.
Make him rue the day he made his greatest mistake.

You see, I’m not just a girl.
Beneath all of the soft lines and playful words,
I am a hurricane.
When it comes to her, I will give no mercy.
She is before anyone else in this world.
Like the Hulk, I am filled with rage.

I want to rip and tear
I want to cause him pain
For she has been broken
And I want to stop her hurt.
After all of my promises that I wouldn’t let anything happen to her,
There was nothing I could do.

Maybe that’s where my rage originates.
I wasn’t there when she needed me.
Well, darling, I’m coming.
And I carry the rage of woman behind me.

It was something I hoped I would never say.

#assault #rage #****** #death #anger #love #friendship

Ariel Apr 2019

Remembering

Though you’re long dead and gone
I can’t help but wonder how it might’ve went
If you’d come in that day.
I wouldn’t have lost a part of my heart
I wouldn’t have cried out my eyes
I would’ve seen your beautiful smile
What I wouldn’t give to see it one last time.

Sometimes I think you were my first true love
More than a crush, because I remember you.
Your soft voice and your sweet eyes
You towered over me but you were so kind
You made me laugh and you made me cry
But, darling, why—
I didn’t want it to end that way.

I was going to ask you to homecoming.
I never got the chance.
I never knew how you felt, darling—
I wish I had more time.
Because I simply can’t stop remembering—
No, no matter how hard I try.

Though you’re dead and gone
Up amongst the stars
I can’t help but wonder
What we could’ve been like.
Days filled with laughter, sitting beneath the pines
Talking about everything and nothing
You could’ve been mine.

We danced that year
What a wonderful night
You were the first time my heartbeat raced
Dear old friend of mine.
I sometimes wish I could stop remembering
But I know that would be a lie.
Because though you’re dead and gone, darling,
I still wonder from time to time.

We were so young. I wish he never committed suicide.

#sadness #death #remembering #lost #love #heartache #heartbreak #suicide

Ariel Apr 2019

What If

What if we kissed in the moonlit snow
Hidden behind that low brick wall
Surrounded by the vines?
What if you could hold me close
And never want to let go
When all was said and done?
What if we could be happy
Ever after, after all
Could it be true love?

If only these things happened in reality,
If only it wasn’t just a dream.

Yes, I dreamt of you last night.
I thought of others as I drifted off to sleep
But none of them can keep my headspace.
I want to die every day
Waiting
Wanting
Hurting.
I dreamt of you and it was so real that when I woke up I cried a little.
Because though I could still feel your breath on my skin and the bite of the cold
It wasn’t real.
You don’t love me.
My life feels a waste.
To love so deeply and be slapped in the face
With the words, “I don’t feel for you that way”
God is a cruel master
I feel like dying
For it was so real, so lovingly true (at least to me,)
That when I woke up
I died a little.

What if we really caressed as lovers do
Under the falling icy sky
Deep within the brambles?
What if we really touched and loved and smiled
Living for one another
Under that grey sky?
What if we really were as one
And my days were not wasted pining
And I was truly happy?

What if I could find someone who pushed you out of my mind?
Can I even hope to be happy?
I doubt it, love
Because until I can
I will continue to want to die.

Hnnng I thought I was over him but nahhhh life isn’t that fair

#heartache #love #hate #suicide #death #sadness #depression #crying

Ariel Apr 2019

Obnoxious

You didn’t have to say it.
There were a million other ways you could’ve phrased it.
You could’ve said I wasn’t giving you the right attention, in the right ways.
You could’ve said you needed space.
You knew it was the jab that would hurt the most,
And yet, still, you said it.

It hurts so deep I swear it was a blade
That marked this mind and tears at these eyes
For the sadness that falls is, for once, not for you, my love—
It’s because of you.

You aren’t okay, but you won’t open up.

This, I know.

What I don’t is why you would decide to rip at the biggest insecurity, to aim for my seams.
Calling me obnoxious was the final nail in this coffin
Something I hoped you’d never say
You promised you wouldn’t, love—
But I see that promise has gone away.

It’s been building for a while now
The reluctance you have to let me in
To let me help ease the pain, to let me listen and be your friend
You can’t see past what I feel inside
Even though I was willing to.
I just wanted to be close to you, love—
But it seems that I’ve ruined that, too.

No... It’s not entirely my fault, I’ve done all I can,
But you’re a broken man...
I can’t fix you.
You deny it all you want, you’re just as undone as the rest of us.
I was just trying to help.
You didn’t have to call me that.

This is what I get for opening up
I don’t know why I thought it could be different with you.
I opened up and gave you the map to my biggest weaknesses
You knew exactly where to hit your mark
This just might be fatal, love—this blood that rushes from within
If it is, it’s your fault.

You deceived me with those soft brown eyes and those long eyelashes, promising kindness and innocence.
You’ve broken that promise, love—
I’m afraid I cannot stay
This is verging on abusive behavior, love—
As much as I rend my clothes and feel this ache, I’m afraid I have to go away.

I can’t stop the sadness from running down my face.

#heartbreak

Ariel Apr 2019

In Between

This distance between us, I feel it killing me from the inside
Despite your reassurances everything will be okay
I still want to cry.
You're leaving me slowly, day by day.

I want him, but he isn't here
Even though he isn't you, I had hope for the future.
I wanted him, I still do
But it's hard to try when I keep thinking of you.

I keep getting caught in the in-between.

He's already said, "I love you"
Of that, I'm not entirely sure
But his lips felt better than yours ever did
And now, I'm of two worlds.

I've wanted him since he first started to speak
With those dulcet tones so deep
His smile and laugh were all too sweet
But he still remains out of reach.

I keep getting caught in the in-between.

I ridicule those who cannot choose
Despite the fact that, with this decision, I am in their shoes.
He understands me, but not like you do
I hate my brain and how it overthinks, especially when it comes to you.

I haven't heard from him in months
Over this, my heart aches
I worry that he isn't okay
For the things his parents screamed about not long ago are too worrying to say.

This is no longer relevant, the person I talk about isn’t in my life anymore, but it was too pretty to delete. Just know that this is no longer true for me, not about the unnamed “he”.

#love #hate #hurt #abandonment #heartache

Ariel Apr 2019

Days Like These

I hate days like these.
My limbs are lead and I can’t seem to make a sound
I don’t want to move
But I have no “real” excuse.
My head is heavy and I struggle to stay awake
This is the risk I have to take.
I need to get up, I have to move,
The ground is so much more comfortable than I would have possibly understood.

I hate days like these, but
I must keep going, though I can’t describe my desire to stop
They will never understand these negativities floating in my head.
Tears gather at my eyelids, unshed sadness overpowered by lethargy
I cannot move, and I don’t think I want to even if I could

I hate days like these, I swear
Music blares all around me as I struggle to feel something else
Trying to recall a happy memory that isn’t tainted by you.
Nothing is okay, nothing is as it seems
I smile and hide behind this mask
(Let’s face it, they’d never understand)
Pretend to be happy when inside I’m close to breaking
I can’t give in, I must power through
I don’t know if I can, but I must try.

I hate days like these.
My body is heavy and I wish I could die
But even that would take effort that I don’t have
I feel like a statue, rusted and unable to feel
I don’t know if I can make it
My body betrays me, showing a glimpse into my deadened mind
I want to ask for help, but know none will come
Sympathy is not the same.

I hate days like these. They come without my control.
I cannot predict them, I cannot prepare
They come out of nowhere
I feel nothing,
I feel pain
Physical pain and emotional emptiness
This is not what I wanted to do with my day

I hate days like these.
I have so many plans I need to do, so much I want to experience
Why does this happen at the worst of times?
Why couldn’t it happen in the solitude of a Saturday, when I have nothing to do and no worries to plague me?
Anxiety courses through my mind, but my body won’t respond
My brain screams at me, unable to control its vessel
I’m not in the drivers seat
This is my dilemma, dead and horribly alive all at once.

I hate days like these, but they won’t stop.

#depression #lethargy #anxiety #hurt #suicide