If I could hate you
     I would
But the ring on my finger says other wise
If I could loathe you
    I would
But breaking of my heart tells me I would be lying
The stolen moments where I live like a crook
Cracked out on the presence of you
If I could keep you
    I would
Lock you away where my heart could no longer weep
As it watched you drive off to live a life that is not mine
If I could follow
    I would
Dragging nothing but a trail of broken dreams
And shattered mind
As though I am not already consumed by you
As though I was human
In a world were humanity doesn't exist
If I could just hold you
    I would
Shut out the rest of the world and shove this desperation outside with the rest of the trash
If I could stop loving you
    I wouldn't
Because despite this you are the better part
And you are all I've got.

If beautiful words are all you want to hear then taste the ash of my breath for only truth is burning here.

Touch my voice and know the depth of my heart for nothing but sincerity falls from my lips. Like rain it will cleanse the palate.

See the honesty within my words and know sanctity is ringing its trembling song without falsity I become humble. Truth taking hold the blooming flower you behold.

Look to her and know not truth for painted lips breed painted lies. She is not with honesty but slick with pride.

Be drunk on her an intoxication heed my warning and justification. She will lead you on and take your breath that painted temptrest is poisonous at best.

Sometimes I want to curl up and watch the world
Pour a cup of hot coffee and spectate
Just for a little while pretend Im outside of the chaos
Instead of rooted in it like so many others
Step back and enjoy the quiet
Remembering what its like to be at peace.

Down the rabbit whole dear Alice
With all your bobs and lace
Take heed fair beauty the fruminous peril at hand
Beyond in this rational land
Dont fear sweet maiden in the world of pomp and paradox
You'll find you truely thrive
For what is living if you dont feel alive!
Where Cheshire smiles and cat call lads
Label and obtuse
You are uniquely you
Unruley hair and all
Just becareful my love on how hard you fall.

Cracking thunder fills shallow walls
Rattling the windows
Echoing in the din
Rain slapping mirrors
Reflecting my mindset

This rain cloud having followed me
From school, to bed, etc..
Always clamoring
Shouting out
Echoing the screaming helplessness
Stretching and swelling
Between ears
Popping the fragile control

Collapsing
Cut strings
Knees hinging
Falter mid-step

Sorrow having swallowed
Whats left.

"I love you"
1:00 am admissions
Eyes creaking open, head throbbing
Dehydrated from sorrow
Desperate words, wrapped in midnight magic
Said in the hush, secreted under the door
Sweetened by the bitter knowledge of love but not in love
Re-opened once more to hurt
Hearing regret, slapped by reality
Burdened by its curse

Your like a fun house mirror
Distorted
Warped from every angle
Shifting molding and retrograde
The smooth sultry beauty of your silver smile is a trap
You reflect your sickness
And for a time I believed you.

For all your intellegence
You are ignorant
Speaking from a position that
Finds its footing in false Gods
And the reversion of faith
How you gladly slaughter religions
Whom don't speak towards your grand morality
Because like a child you hate
What bred you
Murdering God with your righteous fury

Scorned injustly by a few
Who claim to uphold something beyond themsleves
Speaking like a sage the words of a wisdom you do not understand
Or could possibly embody
Your hate, fury and dogmatic refusal to see anything
Good that doesn't fit your dated
Greek mentality
Of which you in your ignorance
Have no leg to stand upon

Do not with your pious
Bigotted bile rail against something in which you do not know
Do not claim knowledge
When you a child
No not what you speak
A fool
You become
A
****** fool

More ignorant by your expression of opinon
Because you know not what all goes into
The reasoning
The why
The how come

You become what you so decidedly hate
That overly righteous
This is the way of the world
I AM GOD
Mentality consumes you
Becomes you
The mask of radical minded beauty
Comes off
What a sick creature you are
To see the Good
And know its name
But not what it is

Your ignorance blinds you
But your pride makes you a fool.

I want to celebrate
Being alive
Running and free across darkend streets
Between the humdrums lines of conformity
Right down the path of most resisitance
I want to be wild
I want to taste the world in my mouth
Feeling its beating pulse down my throat and across my skin
To touch stars and feel their burn

Sometimes life feels like a rotary wheel
          a
     d        r
    n         o
         u
and
          a
     d        r
    n         o
          u
it goes.....
The spherical dichotomy fades into monotony
           c
      g           i
   i                  r
     n             c
            l
sdarwkcab into some dark fiction that has become the day to day
Waking to dr
                      op
Forwards between a repeat of the next second of last week
Where l-i-n-e-s of memory are /b//l//u//r/r/ed// making each moment a cons?ued mash up key details.
That take energy to pick a p a r t into some semblance of an existence.

It clicked like a hollow snap
Of a twig under foot or the brisk flick of a lighted switch
Eyes locked and brains synced
Like a breath long held
It fell out of the mouth in a hurried exclamation
I could be you friend in a tantalizing heart beat
The subtle yang you'd be to my yin
I'd want more than I should
Your mind a wicked wilderness of meaning and theory
Tempting me to adventure

Ripping paper tongued folded edges
Existing on the fringed heavily warped
Paranoia that has become my sanity
Where reality bleeds into itself like some ink spilt
On white walls leaking through cracks until there is nothing
Nothing but the sticky remnants of happy memories
Joyful music and the haunting echo of laughter

Staring back out the blank blind stare Friction
Static murmuring the fuzzy radio dial
Tuner sliding back and forth trying to connect the circuit but there is no wave length
Just the voided buzzing
The blipping of the lights behind the frame

Even your hands
Whom like a magnet seems to find the right channel
Some way to draw the breath back into the swinging classics
You bring the music back
But even you
My capitol Y
Could make the streaming black dotted fuz fade
Or the welling bend of hopeless panic
That locked inside my own hell recede

Calloused fingers in cascading waves of blonde
The touch of breath on stunted ear
Charlie Brown comfort croaking in shushed tones
Cut off
Equipment glitch like a seizure of the mind hemoraging the swelling force of tensed hands and screaming speech

Wishing to escape the madness
If I could, pray for peace

You gag me with your sickness
The man whom is supposed to be dependable
Lying in your lie-ing mouth is the disease of an eight year plague
For at least when beat by the breath of hate and the slanderous bigotry of others it comes not as a surprise
No your sickness had eaten away from the inside.

We spend our whole lives chasing a moment
That pursuit of happiness just beyond our reach
We never find it
That willful character is fleeting.
Flitting further from our grasp.
If only we would stop and listen
To the beating of feet on trembling ground
We would come to notice happiness can never be found
But experienced.

My voice has receded
Dried up like some long forgotten fruit
Stinging in the ****
Tasteless monogamy
That is the day to day grind
       Plucking the plump paradox of petulant perturbed thoughtless beings
       From my conscious where they lie to the face of my muse
       Confuse me for someone whom cares about the humdrum
While I stray chasing rabbits playing hostess to a tea time of my own madness
Loosing the clock while fishing the fragrant mobs of ill minded twits
Whom twiddle their thumbs for enjoyment
Casting wide to find meaning, beneath the shallow face

No in my confusion
In my madness
I introvertly extrovert
Venting my frustrations behind the mask of my smile
Curling on the edges like some shark snagged toothed
Grinning that grin
That sets the tight line between insanity, and genuine
Where the fickle flock, preening their peacock feathers for attention
Infested with the vagrant lice of lesser men, itching to beat the weak with their superiority.

I watch the flicking flea ridden disease that is their affliction
Smiling that cheshire smile
Knowing that it is their own sickness
That will eat them from inside.

It follows me
Into the room
Into bed
Into the morning
Into every waking aspect of my day
That niggling feeling that wont go away
Setting the teeth to edge
Making the bones hurt
With its edgy, alertness
Like at any moment my mind will freak out
Tumble over the cliff side and explode into a mess of emotion
The problem is I'm not sure what it will be
What triggered it or where that pins and needle restlessness really came from
All I know
Is its here
Intensifying
Until tears well and fall
The madness doesn't stop.

A solid echo to the empty room
Resounding off walls
The gasp
The plopping din of tears
A lonely light

Solitary
Screen white in the blackness
As I write
I sit here
Typing away
Cat purring
Curled as close as he can get
Watching a repeat of similar action

Stuffed up
Nose-drool
Shaking hands
The blue of eyes made more prominent by red
The aching echo of silent screams

Big green eyes witness
Me falling in on myself all over again
Cave into my being
Doubting that I'll find my way back again
Into more darkness
The void to my ongoing
Depressed state

Finding it better to be there; lonely
Numb
Than swallow the bitter pill of reality

I want to dull the bass-bound thumping of my own thoughts
The pounding of my own blood
Believe that I don't exist
Unlike what Descartes would have me believe
I want to be deceived.

To most it is black and white
The back and forth racial slander ride
But to me its is a matter of many colors
For the problem with racism is not limited to two colors of skin
What about the reds, yellows, ivory,tans, and deep burgundy
The white and black are at the end of spectrum
No the matter is not a matter of black and white
But rather a rainbow of suffering
Made possible by the discrimination of mans own character
Its sick that skin creates such hate.

You held me
While the wind played its sorrow
Wailing desperately against the window side
Yelling its hollowed sound vibrating the pane
Expressing the turmoil of weathered scorn
Like a child tantrum that I wish I could feel
Fall lamenting the passing of time
Bought at high cost
Hours covetted for the comfort it brought
Images
The salt of sweat
Dragging me across the bed
Hot hands on heated skin

The feel of your breath against my nape
Sensitive ears swept by the cascade of sensation
Your touch shaking me awake
Aware of the placement of hands
Holding me hostage
Stern grip in sleep
As if I would disapear
**** out of existance
Dull creaking of joints locked

Head suspended on the rise
Of your chest
Sleepily
Running my lips across your brow
Pink nails running across black hair
Trying for quiet tears
How I have missed you
So full of elation I might
Dissolve into nothing

Two modes become one being
In the ever twilight they emerge
Rising from the stillness to breathe forth light
Dark
Objects and ruin
Neither one to seperate though at constant battle they will be
Forging the heavens and the earth
With persons in between

You're like that last piece of sugarfree gum
That you keep in your pocket until the wrapper is frayed
Sticking to the inside of the pocket
Ruining a good pair of jeans
Like a spot of bleach on a black tee
No longer good enough for public
Lingering like bad breath after a  meal
I'm ready to be through.

Reality is like a dream
When you spend all day trying to escape
From its weight
Which like an elephant fills the room
Pull open the door and step away
Like a phone box whose bigger on the inside
The mind always finds a way to hide
Where fae and fairy folk dance their magic dance
Fair maidens say their right words
And young hobbits smoke to victory
Pipping away their pipe songs to the sound of groaning trees
Dwarves become kings having fought themselves free
When padfoot, wormtail and prong create mischief along the moving stair
And a boy who lived once again
No reality can be rather lame
Because adventure awaits..
"In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit..."

Who are you who knows my muse?
My ramblings on the page, who hears my voice with each line?
The subtle and shaking truth my mouth has bled?
To you I am grateful
To you I still write
Thank you (as always)
Friend

Why is it that we seek the ephemeral, when we are so grounded in reality?
The plight of man is to suffer the walk between worlds
Knowing the reach of the atomic bond wistfully longing to embrace something beyond
With knowledge, application, and dreams
Man ultimately stays unrest
Somewhere between the heart and the chest.

The loud thumping from high places
From the stalking in small places
Erie eyes around the corner
And suffocation without warning
He stalks me from room to room
Eyeing me down in displeasured doom
From early mornings and late at night
Hes overly attached and still uptight
How he rules from his furred throne
If you didnt know by now than consider yourself told!
His baleful glance can stun grown men.
He promptly plops down and states demand
King Doodle rules ons comand!
But how sweet his face is in delight that you can not help but give to his plight.
No matter how many times you trip being mad just doesnt stick
Not to this ball of sweetened demand
King Doodle we are yours to comand.

Creaking twisting wheel well rythms
Fill in the rushed calamity
Where hurried voices and clanking carts
Run the busy bustle of last minute shopping
That time of year the headways the holiday season
Where workers are hit with pig skins and disdain
And college students say goodbye to mommy again

Anger boils like a raw egg on hot sidewalk
Charred and smoky
That type of anger that slow roast over a period of time
Often forgotten or forgiven for minor transgressions
That have made themselves known again
Much to the displeasure of annoyance
"I thought you better than that."
This what ever it is
Just gets worse when you drink
I'm not sure its a difference in incontinence, ability, or mind
But my friend you need to stop this ****
For there won't be a next time.

Home is where cat hair clings to clothes
The shelves smell like old books
None of the chairs match
Sunlight warms furred and floored bellies
And coffee is a drink for all hours of the day
Where a morning chatter comes from more than lips but whispered snout
A day spent reading in a shady hammock spot
Bare feet and socks that don’t always match
The place I always loose my keys
And burst into song when the whim is pleased
Up till two on an adventure strike
Sleeping till three to recharge
Tumbling and writing to feed the starving muse
Remembering to do the dishes while not really wanting too
It isn’t always perfect
And accidents happen more often than not
Perfectly Imperfect
Home
All the best are.

I am an animal caged by ideals of many
Pacing my walled prison
Limited by what Im told is right
Painting on the mask of content
Cracked smile pulled high
Drunk on the opiatic releases given from a job well done
Always on stage this lions mane looks ragged

For animals are meant to be free
To prowl, pounce and dance that primal song
Drumming up the legs
Shaking the elated ryhtmic exhalations of true freedom
That sweet release euphoric on the running beat of blood
Swaying against the limitations of man
The beast longs to be free.

Sometimes it hits me
Like one to many shots of whiskey after a late night binge the taste of tequila and regret stuck to the back of the throat like some nasty film
Vaguely reminiscent overly ripe peachs
When the world goes dark and all you can do is hope to wake to something better
The kind of sudden drag that seems to smack you so hard you drool
Like the brain can't comprehend what it's thinking, feeling, or even what ******* planet it's on anymore
Some sick lingering psychotic paranoia that can only be dreamt up from the bowels of  some deranged lunatic
The kind of thoughts that would if spoken give you one straight ticket to crazy town
Where the good ones fall into the sanctity of drugs and the wack jobs play in their bird cages tweeting insanity
Those moments when the brain goes quiet like some old tv buzzing it's electric static
Hmmmm hmmmm hmmmmmmm
Rhythmically ringing the fuzzing sharp inhalation
Cotten wrapping the ears, eyes at the tantamount and hands on auto
The brain checks into where the person checks out and it takes control
Those 80 mile hour thoughts where driving off the road and not stopping meets the white knuckle grip
I could do it there is no stopping the lurching slow tilting wheel
Nor is there anyone to breath me back into control
To take the knife off the steady sturdy rhythm, to stop the ****** up intermingling of sickend morbidity
It is unlike the calm and even character clicking past the blinking static
Blipping from the slack jawed intensity like some victim of PTSD
Still teeming in the aftermath like some sick puppy waiting on the ride to end
It's terrible and equally ****** up this abstracting feeling is like never waking up
Strung out on some mental drug causing the heart tripping hazard of frequency
Like falling in a dream only to realize you had never slept

Crackling static of needle on black
Trippe melody of Floyd rolling out
Smooth and wild
The chill of liquor
Biting the back of my throat
With cold and sting
The screen white
Tapping keys
Rapid Fire

Finals creeping closer
Deadlines speeding
In front of blood shot eyes
This is my peace
Against the storm

Vinyl and liquor there have been worse.

I want to be free of the burden of your love
Free from the complication you placed on my heart
Like a stain long set in it still lingers in my skin
Liberated from the suffication of your subjugation
I want to shake you from my spirit
So that I can enjoy life
And finally be at peace with just being myself.

You were like a wild animal
Starved of attention
Self and worth
Knawing at its own limbs
Though your bonds had long been cut
Plucking out each ****** feather
Fraying the edges of freedom
While I watched still holding the knife

Do you remember me dancing in the rain
My long blonde hair plastered to my skin
Blues eyes sparkling in the dim glow of evening light
Laugher bubbling like soap frothing merrily till hiccups hurt
No Im sure you don't
So maybe I should forget your smile
And the feel of your breath against my ears
Whispering you love me
Maybe I should let you finally disappear.

Like a child holding on to something
So hard it threatens to break
White knuckles braced
Glorifying in its embrace
Protecting
Coddling
Hoping to keep new
Investing so completely
There is no I without you

I read untill my eye hurt. Shudder and blurr lines
But I can not stop
Moving picture only capture my attention but for a moment
Their voices scream and titilate my ear
But words become more than they could ever hope to be
And I wonder if I see more in them than in the spoken
You could write me and I would understand better
Pick out your subtext and feel your heart
Wringout your feelings and motive
Maybe its the detachment the third person God
Overseeing the world but not apart
Reading helps to escape
That relaxing kind of lost.

Don't get caught on my edges
Thin and brittle
Sliding in and out of the skin with ease
Bleeding me out
Stitching me back in
Like porcelain cracked inside
Holding under the surface
The lines of despair.

I'm counting hours like their minutes
My head ticking away the clocks metronome
Floating away into the silence of the predawn
On a sea of shaking nerves
Calmed only by the balm of deep breaths and desperate attempt at misdirection
This irrational dancing beneath my skin attacks in the calmness.

Flipped feet hit the muddied dirt of construction ground
Where houses stood and buildings prospered
Reclaimed by the School maw mouth across the way
Forcing itself to be bigger better more unique
To attract far away student
Local busy bodies and those who think themselves better
Than the strange mundane madness that is the individual
Last semester the big silence before the final drop of adulthood
Like drowning in air too thick with newness
Fresh blood and change
Suddenly I feel old.

The tapping timbre of blood in my brain brings the throbing ache somewhere between excruciating and numb
My head like a typhony drum.
The stressing swelling swelter of the day to day has me on the brink of sleepless rage
Day in and day out there is always something striking me out
Out of time
Out of light
Out care
Out of fright
I dont even know what it feels like to care anymore
All that I want now is sleep.

Plastic petals crinkle crinch and crumble under the harsh rays of the sun
Bleaching out the painted on color
Melting away the glitter glamour and guilt
Leaving behind something rather ugly
Something brittle and fragile
As shallow as your artifice
And as broken as your promises.

I gave love a name once
But now I hate it
I hate the word not because of the word itself
But the feeling it provoked
Such beauty was fragile
When it left
Like a bad taste in the mouth
It tangled itself around my tongue
Sweet and bitter
I hate that I love it
It loves that it hates me

We crave change like coffee
After a three am study session
Where lines blur and sleep is but a memory
We want instant gratifying successful change
With little to no effort
Like instant noodles of experience
Run over the hot water of ill prepared workers
Who are spit out of the machine to quickly
Yeah we all want change
But we don't want to pay for it either.

You've made me jaded
Like stone I'm hard to move
More set in my way, less aproachable
Readily wanting a reason to leave
It takes more to hold my interest and less to make me walk
Like a zombie I can't help but pick at the brain
Munching on the fat but seeing only bones
Its as if when I buried you
I buried myself.
I hunger more but forcefully starve

I want to bring color to a world so set in black and white
That it beats a a spalttered tattoo of unforgivness
Flow to the stagnation of hate and freedom to the prison of prejudice
Like a revelation I want to speak into existence a toleration for all things
For all those that dare to listen

Its somewhere between two am coffee and little too less sleep
The feel of cold sheets rubbing the dry eyed wonder
Blinking back the frustration of the same monotony.
Where the skin feels like sand paper and the heart is daydreaming about some forest out there
Surrounded by music.
Thats where you'll find me.
Wistful and tired.

For something so independent
It's amazing how fast it caves
Craves and clings
To something
That seems so real
But just like anything else
It too can be broken

My eyes are like dried fruit left to rot
Burning, and itching
From emotional cast off
Plugged to the nose with emotional recess
Head hammering the strangeness felt
At least in sleep I can escape this **** up mess

This world aint meant for the good anymore
They get subjigated under the selfish intentions of others.
Where honesty becomes just another lie.
And the heart is nothing but a romantic promise
Soon stomped into the dirt creating jaded and defeated people.
Humanity has lost its greatest power
Its ability to care for itself.

Love is whispered words of devotion
Bringing someone forget-me-nots'
To remind them you care
Its doing things for another despite the burden it can bring to you
Its putting them first always
Like a speeding train on a down hill ***** or crashing into a wall at full speed
Its messy
And make someone feel *****
Emotuonal ******* a quagmire of drama
That does nothing but cover someone in its filth
That even when over clings
Yeah love can be beautiful but all the **** that comes with it often is not
Sometime honestly I'd rather just ****