I close my eyes and picture my funeral.
I drive and contemplate every possible accident.
I stare at the window as if its an escape
And buildings as beautiful, cruel opportunities that I keep passing.
I ******* hate the way my mind works.
I have nothing that detrimental in my life-
yet i keep searching for an exit.
Why have I been like this for 3/4 of my life?
Enlightenment is appreciated
Intellectually thinking, I’m grateful that I understand
how much pain this invisible demon is on my chest.
Empathy is what is driving me and killing me.
I love you all so much.
I am sorry I cannot be stronger.
Ignorance to my issues is making me sick.
Why the **** can no one leave me alone.
I don’t want you here.
My door is never ******* closed.
And yes, you have imposed.
But i will keep my mouth shut
Offering advice and smiles
but
You won’t do the same for me.
Im glad you’re so easy to please
as i nod and smile at every word you people mutter to me.
The sighing, the crying, the huffing and puffing
what the **** is wrong with you?
I keep running away
but I’m running in place.
I see a hope thats hard to find
But i won’t run away from it.
I want to end it all
but guess ******* what!!
I don’t want to hurt anyone.
But laugh it off, cause thats what i would do, right?
Make a joke out of it.
She won’t actually do it.
She would’ve done it already
She's all talk
She is always smiling and laughing.
Theres no way she is serious.
I hope that every single person who has said that to me, remembers that as they pay their respects to me.
I do not want them to be filled with regret or feeling naive.
I just hope they understand now.
How easy it is for someone to break
Who was never really that much whole.