I used to love the smoke
The calm it brings
to my tortured mind

I used to love a glass
Filled up to the brim,
chugging it down
Drowning all my pain

I used to love a bed
Sleeping in it,
For hours on end
Wishing i could just sleep forever

I used to love to swear
As if every curse is a scream
That no one would hear
For the screams i heard are next to my room
Sometimes, its not just shouts that i hear

I used to love to lie
That i was okay
But i am not

I used to love the needle
Piercing my arm
For the sting is nothing compared
to the stabs at my back

I used to love not knowing
And knowing
What is right
but still chose what is wrong

All of this
Was before,

But Before there was after,
There was now

The darkness is my home
The cold was my roof
The shadows were my walls
And the silence from every corner that hid my screams
But I was comfortable, or at least I thought I was
I was safe or I’d like to say that I am
There are times that I would go out
Looking for something, yet not looking
For something that would tell me
That I belong somewhere else
Somewhere better than this
Then a face would stop me
A hand would grab me
And take me back
To my place, in the dark
But today was different
Two hands grabbed me
Instead of one
Surprise was not enough of a word
To describe what I’m feeling
Fear, was first though
Surprise, came second
I thrashed, flailed and screamed
For the two hands
To let me go
And leave me alone
A hand was placed on my shoulder
I don't know which one
But I do know that it wasn't the old one
For I felt warm
For the first time
In a long time
I looked up, to see a smiling face
Not the face that I usually see
A terrifying one, that makes you want to go back
To go home, in the darkness
Instead, it’s a face worth looking
Worth admiring, worth following
His hand held mine, and he led me to
The other side
Of my home, in the darkness
A side I never knew about
The roof was warm
Not like the cold
The walls were bright
Not like the shadows
There were cries
But with joy
Instead of pain
I saw things, instead of nothingness
I saw things that I never thought I had
Gifts talents blessings
Words that I never said, that I finally wrote down
And I feel bright
I saw people I never met before
My family, my friends
But they say that I did
And I believed them
And I feel warm
I turned back to the face that led me here
Grateful that he tried
To bring me out of my home in the darkness
Then I looked back, and it’s still there
Just on the other side
Of this wonderful place
Realizing that it would never go away
Realizing that it never would
a nagging thought
Creeps into my mind
That the other hand
Can come back
To take me to the darkness
Where I belong
I don't want to go back there
I don't want to be with the cold, shadows, and pain
I don't want that anymore
Then I was shaking
Someone was shaking me
Then I saw the face
That led me here
He smiled at me
And gripped my hand tighter
That smile reminded me
That my home
Was of light and of dark
They would always be a part of me
But the hand would always hold mine
And I felt hope
That whenever I go back to the darkness
He would always lead me back to the light

Sometimes i wonder
What it would be like
If my parents had a daughter
Who likes to wear heels
Instead of sneakers
Who likes to wear make up
Instead of baseball caps
Who like to wear dresses and skirts
Instead of jeans and tshirts
Who likes holding parties for their friends
Instead of hiding from the guests
Sometimes i wonder
What it would be like
If I weren’t me
Would their life be easier?
Would their life be simpler?
Would their life wouldn’t be composed of disappointments, crushed hopes?
i would never know the answer
Because I’ll always be me

i wrote a poem today
at 3 AM
it was not easy
i do not know how to start it
sentences, words, fragments
are messed up in my head
I wrote a poem today
in the morning
it was hard
asking myself
why was i even writing this
i wrote a poem today
writing my heart in words
they just threw away
i wrote a poem today
i needed a reason to write
and i had it
it wasn't the right one
i wrote a poem today
i gave it to them
i handed my heart
on a silver platter
and they didn't say anything
i wrote a poem today
i gave it again
and they showed me a new one
it wasn't mine
i wish they said something
anything
to say that my poem was good, or bad
i just needed to hear something
from them
but they didn't say anything

Before, i was scared
Of talking
Of speaking
As if the words i utter
Were acid pouring from my lips
Toxic to anyone would here them
So i stayed silent
Subservient
To other people
But words , words dont just give up
They want to heard
To be listened
Some words go out
But i always take them back
Why would people want to hear
Words that arent even good?
Arent even right?
But they need to be let out.
So i wrote them down
On napkins, on blackboards
On the sides of my textbooks
On anywhere that can be written with ink or lead or chalk or anything that can be written down
So words filled the sides
Filling them with nouns
Adjectives , similes, metaphors,
, until the sides couldnt take it anymore
They need a blank page
But u wrote on top of the words , on the right, the left
So the words overflowed
But not as i thought
They flowed on the other side
On the front page
I tried to stop them ,
Prevent them from going there
Because someelses words were already there
But i couldnt
when they hit , they didnt clash
fight  , didnt
But they greeted each other like they were old friends
I was behind them
The words
And someone was behind them
There was a person
I said sorry, apologized
But he just smiled, and said , i was waiting for you to make that mistake

From the moment i was born
To the moment right now
My eyes were closed
I tried opening them
But the light was blinding
The brightness was too much
So i keep them closed
Afraid
That the light will blind me
And i cannot see anything anymore

She wakes up everyday
to a sky that changes
Today it was blue
She laughed and played
and smiled with her friends
the next day it was different
it was dark and grey
She walked away and hid
so her strikes won't hurt anybody
There are times that I wish
that it would stay blue
So she won't hide from the rain
and disappear
The dark clouds take her away
and hide the person that i knew her to be
she would only come out if the sky was clear,
and the birds were singing
so her clouds won't bring
rain on skies next to hers
I want to chase these clouds away
far far away
but they are not my clouds
I could only bring
shade to her
when it rains
She herself has to
walk in the rain
and smile
and dance
and live in the raindrops that fill her days
for in the morning
she would be greeted
by the dawn
she always deserved

She wakes up everyday
to a sky that changes
Today it was blue
She laughed and played
and smiled with her friends
the next day it was different
it was dark and grey
She walked away and hid
so her strikes won't hurt anybody
There are times that I wish
that it would stay blue
So she won't hide from the rain
and disappear

I am so tired
Of smiling
Of lying to myself
That i can face another day
Of this path
I chose for myself
Why did i lead myself
To this path
I was walking
Walking
Walking towards a goal
Im not sure that i want anymore

today Im sitting here On a couch, writing something that was supposed to be a poem
it was supposed to be a short one i didnt think it would be this long
it was supposed to be a summary
Of what im feeling right now
Apparently
it takes more than 26 letters , 14 stanzas , 5 paragraphs
To make this short
But im choosing to do so
So here i go
Hi im E ...
And this is what i feel right now
Happiness

How to be you?
How can you be someone else
When you dont even know
how to be yourself