I haven't slept in days
Trying to figure out why
I have a monster living in my head

Telling me sweet lullabies
Of how I'm not good enough
How I'm not who I want to be
How I'm a failure

I haven't been able to sleep
Relax
Have a moment of peace to myself
Without the monster screaming and screaming

This monster isn't new
I say hello to them every day
I say goodnight to them every night
Before they keep me awake with their yelling and disapproval

I haven't slept in days
Because my brain
Is a monster

I don't know what to do
I feel like I'm constantly
Spinning
Around in my head

I don't know where to go
I'm a burden to friends
Always asking me why
I'm so down

I don't know what to say
Always hiding my feelings
Never using a megaphone
For my voice to be heard

I don't know
Why I'm upset
Why I'm afraid
Why I'm living

I don't know
Who I am
So to cope
I'll just disappear

When you look at me,
What do you see?
A tall girl?
The nerd with glasses to match?

When I look in a mirror
I see a disgrace of a human
An atrocity
A monster parents tell their children about at night.

I have cuts and scars
That no one will be able to see.
I have bruises
Where I just went with the punches.

Going home and seeing scarlet
Is now a routine for me
Where everyday
I always hurt myself for being unique.

My mental health is deteriorating,
And soon my friends will leave me behind.
When they realize the truth,
I'll be waging a war alone.

Without an army,
A beaten and injured soldier is sure to die.
So it makes sense for them
To end it themselves.

All I hear are comments
Inside my brain
Criticizing me for my flaws
Killing me from the inside out.

I've already succumb to submission.
I no longer try
And if I don't try,
I'll never fail, never miss someone's expectations.

So it's best this way.
I'll stay a zombie, with the dead stare
But all I ask
Is that you **** me slowly.

It cannot be as painful as what I've been through
What I've heard
What I've been told
Who I am

Because everything's better
Then who I've turned out to be.

Late nights
Where I'm most productive
Where my mind comes up
With new ideas

Late nights
Where my mind runs free
Where my imagination take precedence
To create things I never thought I could

Late nights
Where the lights from my room
Turn into dark shadows
When the lights goes out

Late nights
Where I can't sleep
The insomnia turning shadows
Into monsters

Late nights
Where my night terrors feel like reality
Where the sweating never stops
And the fear never sleeps

Late nights
Where my brain is so tired
That it contemplates the craziest things
The deadliest things

Late nights
Creativity turned to Horror
Imagination turned to Monsters
Light turned to Darkness

When I was young
You were  my entire world
You built me up
And gave me confidence I never knew I had

Even when you began cracking under the pressure
You stayed strong for me
Guiding me
And showing me that I could find strength in anything

The more I grew up
The more that image of you began to fade
Small scratches turned into small cracks
Until the glass began to shatter entirely

Other people never made it easy for you
Breaking you down
Until nothing was left but the hope that one day,
One day it would get better

I watched your world fall apart in front of you
Almost like the Black Plague
Everything was dying around you
And you were convinced it was because you touched it

Tell me that you'll be okay
Because without you, I am nothing
I depend on you for my happiness
But I know that I shouldn't

So, I started looking for happiness in others
Until I found out that their smiles were fake
Their friendship was fake
Everything was fake

So ... I started walking alone
Who needs three musketeers
When I can trust only one
And even that one I'm suspicious of

You were my entire world
But when that world came crashing down
I wasn't strong enough to build one
With you still in it

So ... dear self
It's been a long time without you
But I still have hope that one day
You'll return home

Even though the New Year just began
I fear that I won't make it to the next
That my mind will swallow my body whole
And never let go

"Is this really how you want to present yourself?"

I know I'm fat
I know the clothes are clinging to my body rolls
I know I have a muffin top
I know that I have to shop in the "big" section

Because my body was never good enough
And in those rare moments when it was enough for me
Someone would make my confidence
Crash to the ground

Even if I like the clothes
Even if I like shape
My body will always fail for being
"too big"

If I stop eating, will it be enough?
If I go to the gym until I faint, will it be enough?
If you can see my ribs, will it be enough?
When will I be enough for you ...

Mom

I'm isolated
I'm lonely
I'm lost
I'm gone

I don't know when I'll be back
But something tells me
That until I see something but black
I'll never be free

So here I wait
For someone to save me
Taking love as bait
That ends up being deadly

I'm isolated, lonely
Lost, gone
I don't see anything for me
You won't see me until your dawn

I can't breathe
The silence is suffocating
But no one is coming to my rescue

I'm left with myself
But when I look in a mirror
All I see are demons

I talk to myself
To create noise, any noise
That can drown out the voices in my head

For if I hear them
I might just do what they ask
And be out to sleep