Before you,
my heart didn’t know any emotions except
how to feel sad…
sorry for myself.

I’d look in a mirror and instantly regret
ever getting out of bed.
My own worst enemy was the brain
inside my skull.

And eight times a day,
I’d talk myself out of performing the acts
that my head told me to do.
I didn’t want to live,

and I have no shame in admitting that.

I’d sit and try to rack my brain
of the numerous possibilities that someone
would actually care
if I went missing.

I’d count the scars on my skin that
overstayed their welcome,
pick out everything wrong with myself,
every single flaw that I came across.

I used to play with fire.
I’d steal my moms old lighter,
and ignite a flame…
over and over again,

until the idea of the
flame accidentally meeting my thumb,
didn’t scare me anymore.
Until I felt invincible.

After you
came along, everything changed.
Since the day you came back into my life,

my heart knows every emotion possible,
annoyance seems to be its favorite.
Or sometimes it chooses not to feel at all.

Getting out of bed isn’t at hard as it used to be,
if anything it’s harder,
especially after we’ve had a bad night

and by we, I mean you because
you decided to go and ditch me once again,
left me sitting around and waiting

for my knight in shining armour to arrive,
but
he never did,

and he never does.
The sight of you makes me want to
crawl inside my skin

and wait out the storm,
I know is about to hit.
The funny thing is,

even though I’m expecting it and I know
every single ******* time it’s going to come,
you still ******* hurt me.

Over and over again,
and I don’t seem to learn but maybe it’s not even worth it.
Since that day,

feeling invincible in front of the flames,
I’ve never had someone make me feel so vulnerable,
before I met you.

They say that heartbreak is one of
the worst feelings you will experience
during your time in this world.
And I used to believe that,
until I was standing and looking at someone
that I wanted,
who wanted me too

but we couldn’t have each other.

Our hands longed to touch one another,
feel a sensation we felt once
and never again.
Run our fingertips over the surface
of each others skin,
and never wanting to stop
because in that moment,

we both felt whole.

And we both felt something
that we didn’t for a really long time,
and maybe we would be okay
because we were meant to feel each others
embrace,
or maybe at the last second,
one of us would pull away

because there wasn’t enough time left for us to feel.

Because maybe it’s better to end things
short and move on,
instead of trailing along
for something we both knew
wouldn’t last much longer.
But something about knowing,
makes it hurt even more.

Because we both knew we were enough for one another.

Nyctophilia
(n.) love of darkness or night; finding relaxation or comfort in the darkness

The moon’s light allows shapes
to reflect their way around my room,

dancing,

everytime the wind blows.

Branches on a nearby tree,
tap on my window,
as if asking permission to emerge,

fight their way through the glass

that keeps them out.
Shadows hide in the crevices of
my walls,

as if the darkness would steal

their souls away,

losing themselves forever.

My eyes roll back as the ceiling fades to grey -

the walls around me,
of similar color, but
you can’t tell in the

dark of night.
Telling me everything’s okay,
as i watch the life drain from
my skin.

My mind racing,
got me thinking i’m *******
crazy.
Lying here as you claim me as your own,

even after I begged you not to.

I don’t feel the same about you,
as you do to me.

The ceiling fan is on high,
but the only influence Im under,
is lack of air

as you continuously grip at my lungs.
Pleading,
for once more with me.

One more time and
you’d disappear,
that’s what you promised.

Haunting me,
while you cling to something not there.
Telling me everything is my fault,

that you’re not to blame.
I wish being alone in the dark, comforted
me as it did before -

now left with my thoughts

as they consume me whole.

Nothing better to do at this hour,
i’ll continue to drive myself up a wall.
Maybe even go for a ride on the ceiling fan,

no different than lying here lifeless

as you finish what’s left of me.

please just give this to me,
give me the peace of mind I need.

I don’t like my mind right now,
driving myself crazy over the thought of you.
But nothing I do seems to let you go.

I’m going ******* crazy,
trying to hold on to something not there
because you continue to haunt me.

Anytime I think you’re finally gone,
you come back.
Making me feel like everything is my fault,

that I’m the reason you left in the first place.
I wish I could be comforted by my own company,
but I hate being alone.

I don’t know how to trust myself anymore,
or anyone for that fact.
I’m looking in the mirror

and not liking what I see again.
Maybe if I was beautiful,
or maybe even half of what you wish I was.

Then, and only then, could you accept me.

Love me for who I am

and not the thought of who you want me to be.