you tried to understand me on your couch that night, but the parts of me worth understanding were already too far gone, and because i wasn't interesting enough to you anymore, you left. that's what everyone does, after all. they just leave because i'm not who they thought i was, and I'm sorry for that, i'm just trying to be who i need to be for myself right now. i'm sorry i'm not enough for everyone else anymore.

why?
why did I do it?
why did I start what I stopped?
why did I think of the things I shouldn't have thought?

so there I was,
blade in my hand,
getting ready to cut again

you ask me why?
why is it that out of everything,
the cutting is the thing I find?
I know its hard to hide,
but I don't mind

the pain is the thing I need
I feel the pain again as I bleed
I need something I can control
please don't call me a fool

I know I relapsed
but telling you was the only thing I could do

i hope my shadow follows you through the rooms of your house
i hope my perfume lingers in your bedsheets and my naked body lingers in your mind
i hope that when you look at your backyard, that all you can see is the red hammock that we broke
and we laughed and laughed
i hope you sit in your living room and remember when i counted the fourteen fake candles. i hope you count them and find fourteen and remember when we kissed on the floor
i hope that blonde hairs litter your possessions. i hope that you find them on your clothes, in your car, in your room, for months after i've left
i don't want to be so easy to get rid of.
i hope my voice has stained all your family photos so that all you can see when you look at them is how cute i thought you were
i hope that the sight of your empty passenger seat physically pains you and i hope that every day you feel as if something important is missing
and i hope that that something important is me  
i hope your lips burn bitter with my aftertaste and your hands grow lonely just like your friday nights without me

i want you to miss me
even if you won't

as you walk towards me
i am undone
as your lips unravel my very being
i am yours
how many times must i die
to finally live
what cup must i drink from
to save myself from becoming  
what i fear
in your arms  I have found
the realm between heaven and earth
you are my cup
i will have my fill

I can hear your back crack,
in the dark.
Removing your underwear
with chewed fingernails:
You softly ask
if we can share scar tissue
and if I'll stay
despite every issue.

You try to kick the covers
off of our bed,
and ask if we can share the thoughts
buzzing inside of your head.

When insomnia erases your eyes
and disease steals your brain:
You inhale ways to die,
because you still dream
but it's not the same.

I can hear the static in your skull.
I know why you keep
the kitchen knives dull.
You pull on my fingers
so I don't forget you.
You cry on the pillows
and hope I like romance too.

I kiss your temple
during each thunderstorm.
I read you books in bed,
because your eyes are worn.
I put my ear to your chest
because I want you to see
that the air you breathe
means everything to me.

I said I'd love you forever, and I didn't lie