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I was the girl who sat in the library by herself
With no one coming near that bookshelf
I was the girl who dreamed about having friends
That no one would befriend
I was the girl who had a fake smile
That bought everyone for a while
I was the girl who was a charity case
That nobody cared to embrace
I was the girl with the dark thoughts
That no one gave any afterthoughts
I was the girl with the bandaged thighs
and a jumper concealing her size
I was the girl who drew with a twist
Because her canvas was her wrist
I was the girl living a nightmare
Whose head was claimed full of air
I was the girl ready to give up
That no one could build back up
I think it's time
For me to close my eyes
And slip into the sleep
That I've always desired.

I think it's time
To say goodbye
To everything I've grown to know
And everything I'll have to let go.

I think it's time
To find out
Once and for all
What dreams may come.
My hands have betrayed me.
Once the means to write pages,
Now my hands are only dead weight.

My hands won't pick up a pen.
Or even type short,
Choppy sentences.

They dangle at my sides
And find refuge in my hair,
Leaving me bleeding.

Like my hands,
My mouth has declared itself
My enemy.

Once the passageway for words
To explain myself,
My mouth is now as useful as a broken bridge.

With nothing of value to say,
It talks  
And sings anyway.

It opens without my permission
But stays closed whenever I try
To scream meaning.

The inability to illustrate
Or translate my mind
And my soul
Is not an unfamiliar ordeal.

But it's lonely on the outside
And frustrating looking in.
It seems I'll always feel like an alien.
Could there be something
In my head
That only my hands know about?

Because I'm not sure why
They refuse to stop
Tearing at my skin
Even when I begin to bleed
And start to beg.

Are my hands trying
To set something free
That's been locked inside me?
Or are they just performing
The will of my secret thoughts?
Destroying me without
My say in the matter.

I don't know why
I'm trying to analyze this.
It's just a nervous tick.
My flesh bears the stains
Of all of my pains
Scars are what they are
The depth of some, too far.

Some are horrific
A tribute to my
Monolithic hatred
Of my own wellbeing

Some are ****
Some are fair
Some are subtle
But all I bear

Each has a story
A lesson to be learned
From my darkest deeds
To my old glories

I show and share them
To warn those who care
Lest you end up like me
Caught in a devil's snare
It's okay to be broken. :)
Do you know what it's like
To see hate in your own eyes
As you stare into the mirror
Or get a glimpse of your reflection
That feeling you have inside
Of how much you just want to die
Your insides screaming
As they continue starving
All cause you hate how you look
Mind shouting
You're so **** fat
You don't deserve a man
Trying not to cry
As these rude remarks
Are shouted from your own mind
You'll have to smile and laugh
At just how **** fat you are
Tell yourself you're not really hungry
As you slap your belly
Wishing it would vanish with each slap
This fat I see
This fat I have
This fat I am
This fat is me
Even though I'm not even
Just that Fat anymore
Once you've been fat
There is no going back
As I stand and stare
Observe & compare
How much my body has changed
My conclusion still is
I am so fat
I do not deserve a man
I hate this view of who I am fat
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