Sometimes, when love grows,
it does not run wild, like haphazard branches
of a tree you wanted to stand beside.

It does not unravel like a birthday present,
hidden deep under layers of suspense,
and adventure.

It does not swirl around the world like a rainbow,
celebrating first touches, accidental eye contacts,
and naked phone calls.

Sometimes, when love grows,
it grows like the lines of a poem which once marked
tombstones around your heart.

It sticks like a fresh bruise under your feet,
and makes you want to run,
behind butterflies and stars.

It grows like a seed in your throat,
every-time you gulp, it scalps a little skin,
and heart.

Sometimes, when love grows,
it outgrows you.

– Mayank Arora

II. Sometimes, love dies.

Sometimes, love dies like the falling autumn leaves
That swirl in a storm
And before you know it, the summer is over.

Sometimes, love dies like the ever widening spaces in midnight phone conversations,
Just like the crackle over the line swallows your soul,
Love swallows you whole.

It’s musty rankness creeps up on you in the middle of your third dance,
When your lipstick begins to fade and the cocktail has gone stale.
Love fails.

Sometimes love reeks of broken dreams
And heaving, bruised promises.
It stinks of the clamor for survival against all odds. Though it boasts of battle sores,
Sometimes, love loses the war.

Sometimes love dies,
Fading away faster than the colours of the polaroid
That made love grow in the first place.
Sometimes, love renders lovers faceless.

Sometimes, when love dies,
It ends the lies,
Just so you can live a little.

As I grow, I learn. My desires from a relationship have changed over the course of time. Now I no longer want someone who says they would be with me forever, and I no longer want someone who says they would never leave me. I am not looking for someone who is always neatly dressed up, or wears shiny shoes, or has an amazing sense of humour or has great guitar playing skills. I am not looking for someone who has the false sense of love, and thinks that love is finding that one perfect person, or someone who is trying to check items off their list while they search for "the one". I want someone who understands that "the one" is a fairy tale, and though fairy tales do happen in real life, they take much more work than the Cinderella finding her prince charming by walking into a party. Every fairy tale ends with "happily ever after", I want someone who realizes that the "happily ever afters" are a lot of hard work. As I grow, I have learnt that the physical traits matter less and less and loyalty and undivided attention are the most important traits in a relationship. I don't want someone who sugar coats everything, and never gets angry at anything. I want someone who is raw, and real, and tells me how it really is. I am more interested in someone who realizes that sometimes life happens and sometimes things don't work out. I want to be able to make a conversation with them, for four hours straight, and not feel bored, and not feel unwanted and not feel like they are not listening. I want someone who wants to know how my day was, always. As I grow, I have learnt that privacy is important, and there is only so much time that we all have on this earth and only so many people that we can spend it with. I want someone who wants to spend their time with me as much as I want to spend time with them, any less is just not good enough. I want someone who admits that they really like my company rather than playing games, alas, modern dating, games have become the norm, and I don't have time or patience to play along. As I grow, I have learnt, that I am complete by myself, and I don't need anyone to define my existence, but you can make me so much better. I want to be stronger with you, and grow with you, together, and individually. To tell you the truth - no, I don't need you - but I really want you. And all of this, that you realize that we are two very different people, and that we are just starting to know each other, and that we might not work out, and everything else about our relationship, makes me think that this might actually work, that we've got a pretty good shot.

I've been struggling for quite a while trying to find a series of words to express my happiness in a series of situations.
It's not that I am unhappy. It's simply the idea of happiness doesnt hit you at 3 AM when you're halfway through a mental breakdown, trying to put the pieces of the puzzle back to get rid of the breezes of air that rush through your memories turning your heart into a shattered piece of ice. Happiness is not wishing you were still young and foolish, letting him convince you that he's still in love with you.

Happiness is living with your cold heart on your sleeve, dancing in the rain even if it's just metaphorical, and loving a guy that will never love you back when knowing you'll probably end up being hurt again. It's sitting across your laptop trying to find the right way to explain when you're happy to a bunch of sad souls sitting across from their screens too trying to find refuge in other people's words, trying to find hope that the happiness they're looking for is found by someone else and that they will eventually find it too.

The happiest I've ever been was when my hair was blowing in the warm summer breeze, listening to your calming words while looking up at the night sky, counting the stars. Almost as many as the number of chances I've given you to prove yourself to me, prove that you truly do love me the way you wrote in your little black book of secrets.
Now all I have left is the burning cigarette in my hand, tears in my eyes, and the condescending misunderstanding uncomprehending people around me that mistake my poetry for an escape rather than the way my life is right now.

People ask why I write no happy poetry

It's for the simple reason that my happiest poetry is when I'm with you. your words tattooed in my brain and your touch engraved in my skin.

Darling you're my happiness.

Some may say that feeling nothing is better than hurting but they're wrong because the tug and tearing of my heart means so much more than a monotonous beat
A beating heart that indicates being physically alive while the tearing of it indicated that my soul is finally feeling something different.

The feeling of being replaced is unlike any other.
It comes in stages like a cancer cell running through your blood stream
Denial
Fear
Depression
Breakdowns
and finally, the thing that destroys the most,
feeling replaceable like the dozen flowers he used to buy you every week.
But don't fret because you'll lie to yourself and make yourself believe that you deserve better, that you can feel loved again.
And now you're lying to yourself the way he lied to you.

This is a little appreciation that's nowhere near how much you deserve for what you've given up of your life to give us a life.
Everyone talks about birth being the most painful thing in the world, and even though I have never experienced such pain, I know for a fact that there are pains more harsh and harmful than this. The pain of a man you thought would love you forever to criticize you and make you feel like you are less than the queen that you are. He tells you that you were nothing without him when everything he is, is a product of the time you have invested in him and his long and your lonely nights.
I have dreamt of you leaving so many times, finally a caged butterfly set free to finally live the life that she deserves, but I realized that us, your kids, are the ones caging you. As much as I would love to see you be free it pains me because I know that there would be no way for me to show you that the time you invested in me has become a product of something you can be proud of. I am proud of how strong and beautiful you are after all these years of sadness, suffering, and lack of appreciation. You live with a family that you believe to be selfish, and we are, but all the times I thought of leaving and never coming back, I cry at the thought of never seeing you again or letting you down. I love you more than I could show, and so much less than you deserve.
What I'm really trying to say is, everything good that I am, is all because of you.

Have you felt so alone and out of place that the voices in your head don't know what to torture you with anymore?
You don't love anything
You can't feel anything
You won't let anything in
It's complete silence and you never seem to breakthrough any of it.
People tell you that you need to find something as a continuation.
An "after" to all my sad poetry
A higher pitch to my sad low singing voice
Happiness again in running around in my room singing and dancing to my favourite song.
The loneliness has scared me so much, it seems comforting now because at least it gives me something to feel.

She's the type of girl that isn't single for too long.
She loves the way she has learned to love, hoping one day she'll find someone who has loved as much as she has.
She'll doll herself up, date 5 boys, pick one, and decide that she will love him.
She doesn't feel anything, she waits for the day when she's so predictable that she ceases to exist, but the sad part is that she only fell out of love 2 days ago.

Rhythm is what brings my senses back to life.
Heart beats
Tapping pens
Clicking of shoes

But somehow I was lost in all of it when heart beats turned into a cry for life and emotion
Tapping pens became my desperation to think of something to say when nothing could be said
And the clicking of shoes is the sound of me walking away from everything I thought would make me happy.

So let's all raise our glasses for new rhythms
New beginnings
More endings
Better heart breaks
And more pathetic lies to tell ourselves

All the feelings I thought I had for you seemed to disappear faster than my will power to fight for you.
Being doubted is nothing but a selfish way for you to push me away and test my patience but it has never done you any good has it?
I'm forever gone and you never existed nor changed a thing in my life because when you left all I said was
"It could have been worse right?" And went back to loving myself more than anyone or anything in the world.

Hey there little girl won't you come inside?
We're the permanent civilians of heartbreak, hate, revenge, and everything a person doesn't want to be.
We'll pretend to give you support but never trust us since we can ruin your life faster than you can taste the poison you've poured in your glass so you can feel something again.
But it's okay because after we ******* up, we'll permanently keep you with us.
Hey there little girl come inside and don't be afraid.

These promises you say ring through my ear every time I think of how insecure I am whenever they're not kept.
Forgetting everything that led me to believe how feelings are a method of self destruct.
Believing that I am ready to fake more feelings, like loving myself, but even worse, loving you more than I love myself.
It is not something I'm saying to make you hate me, I've pushed many like you away.
But there's something about your words that seem so pure and genuine which lead me to wishing I deserved the attention you're offering.

I love you**
The ring to it drops the way I will when you eventually leave.

Ever thought about killing yourself? no really, I know all of us have had these thoughts. They pierce your skin with beautiful words like peace, rest, pleasure, relief.
But then all of a sudden I stopped, took a step back from the bath tub and thought to myself how these words are only for the people who have done good in their life. "Heaven".
The only reason I'm not gone is because I'm not ready for hell just yet.

Close your eyes and imagine nothing has changed. Go back to the first day you met them. would you still say hello? hug them? allow them to do what they've done to you? or would you walk away with the dignity that you never knew you would lose.
If you walked away, then you have every right to be mad at them and hate them the way you did, but if you would go through all of it again, don't you dare try to convince people that they are the bad guy. Because if you would do it again, that means you were subconsciously aware of the fact that they were stealing every bit of happiness you ever had.

Look at you;
So flawless,
So beautiful in and out.
You feel lost because you lost the boy you love.
But you craved freedom more than anyone in the world.
You love but you cannot hold on.
It has to do with the fear you have of losing your life soon.
But you need to know that a beautiful soul like you deserves happiness and people who appreciate the naked soul.
Because its nothing about ******* yourself and giving them a bitter taste of the loneliness you experience when you aren't with him.
You need to believe that you're worth the love he is giving you, because that cage he put around you, is a loving protective shield, keeping you away from poisoning all the other boys.
Your addictive poison. He gets high on your poison, craves it, loves it even though it might end up killing him on the inside.
Darling, you're all of our poison.

Dear boy with the dragon tattoo;
this is not a love poem, this is not a sad poem, nothing but a simple thank you letter. You're meant to read this because you wanted to have a little look into my soul.
What you haven't noticed is that I've felt alone, empty, betrayed, hated, and unwanted for so long. Even with the constant reminders that I could have meant something to someone who turned out to be the monster I was afraid of for so long.
You though, you complete me. You make me happy, feel appreciated, like I'm worth something. You're my knight in the shining armour but instead, you're a tattooed king, without the greed for gold, but rather, the heart of gold. I cannot see myself not talking to you, being weird, silly, happy, fulfilled.
All I really want to tell you is that you're everything my heart has ever yearned for and even though I'm a very difficult person to deal with, you decided to deal with me and try your best to keep a smile on my face.
So maybe I did lie, maybe this is a love poem. But nothing too sappy, you're just the person you are, and I'm the person that I am, but together, we are a beautiful, dimpled, flawless duo.

Moving on is very easy. Easier than you ever imagined. Every time you think of them, just take a deep breath, count to 10, and **** them again in your head.

Ever caught yourself halfway falling for someone?
It feels like you've just been pricked by the most beautiful rose, the beauty of it puts you in awe, but the blood frightens you. You smile but all you can think of is how the person before them made you smile like that. You wish you could just hold them, feel their presence around you but you want to stay safe and alone. They're your idea of a perfect escape from reality and everything painful because everything real that you've experienced has left you broken and in the dirt. Despite everything, you're still sitting there looking at the beautiful rose, you remove everything painful about it and sit there with pure beauty and perfection because this rose is exactly what you are when you're with this person. You two, are this combined, pure, beauty.

Your hands
Your rough touch
Your warm eyes
Your soft lips
Your undeniable lust
Your love
Your body
Your heart

My heartbreak
My denial
My insecurity
My feelings
My trust
My dead soul

One of the hardest things a person has to do, is pretend that they do not love a person.
You get asked questions like
Do you still love him?
no.
Do you still think about him?
no.
Does it not bother you that he picked her over you?
no.
Then they proceed to compliment you on being so strong
They praise your broken heart, your dead heart, your heavy breathing, your excessive shaking whenever you think about him or think about how much you love him.
They see a hero when all you really are is a shattered soul aching for his love, his attention, the warmth of his skin against yours.

True beauty lies beneath the skin
The way someone acts
The way someone treats you
But what if you never truly knew what was on the inside?
You trusted them,
gave them unconditional love
Turns out that the person you trusted the most was the person you never truly understood
You try to get over them
But being so wrong doesn't add up to you
You thought you knew them
You thought they were an angel in disguise
But remember that the devil was once an angel.

An ending to this part of your life.
That is all it could ever be.
He left your life? That's okay.
You will learn to love yourself
Love the person you have turned into
We often forget that we are changing every day, every minute.
But go look at yourself in the mirror right now... no stop looking at yourself
Look at whats on the inside.
You're wiser,
more understanding,
stronger,
Beautiful.
So never regret something you've done,
never feel ashamed of who you really are
Embrace every little feature in you, and never let anyone bring you down.

Isn't it strange that words can capture your heart
Make you feel like your insides are melting?
You feel like your cheeks are burning, your eyes are tearing up.
You think you found someone who will love you forever, and that you will never have to rely on another person again in your life.
Then just one person,
One conversation,
One lie...
You find out everything he has been saying is a complete lie.
You start wondering how they reacted to everything you told them when they acted like they cared.
Did he laugh at my problems?
Did he wish I would stop telling him what was wrong because he never cared?
Because all he ever wanted was someone to replace the girl he truly loved while she was away.

I will love your eyes.
Brown,
Deep,
Handsome.
I think I got lost somewhere between them when you spoke my name in intervals between breaths that night.

Your mouth spoke poetry to me.
In poetry that I have not yet learned to read out loud.
The words are hard to explain, and I cannot explain the metaphors
But it's beautiful
Simply **Beautiful

Remember when all you cared about was which powerpuff girl is the best?
When your whole class was your friend and you were happy to share everything with the people sitting in your table?
What happened since then?
We've all become self obsessed,
Greedy,
Needy,
Demanding.
Parents might call it childish but they're wrong.
There's nothing childish about staying up until 4 in the morning trying to work out your problems with a boy you thought you would spend your whole life with.
Nothing childish about intentionally letting yourself bleed away your inner pain.
Nothing childish about feeling empty and alone because everyone seems to dislike the way you act.
Sometimes being childish is all we need to escape the true struggles of life.

This is goodbye to all the pain
To all the suffering
To everything that never meant anything to anyone but me
This is goodbye to reality and everything I ever wanted to work for
Nothing is worth more than happiness
So it's my time to be happy
To be free from all the pain
The angel of darkness resides in all of us
Our thoughts, our prayers, our beliefs.
But this time, it will be my saviour.

Ever just sat in your room and held the razor close to your skin?
Every slit consists of a painful memory that once made you the happiest person in the world.
What about the burn marks on your thigh? The heat against your skin is nothing close to your burning sorrow and passion.
You try to escape every memory, thinking that inviting these boys over would help you feel loved again.
But the truth is, you're just broken, bleeding, burning, and still not feeling the love you once thought would last forever.

Tell me once again, that you'll love me to the death and should I die, you swear that you will come for me.*
True love in one song.
Every word.
Every note.
It all hits a specific memory.
You slowly stop humming
Stop tapping to the beat
Listen closer the words
Now your face is changing
Your eyes are tearing up
You're crying
Because this song is the only thing that knows exactly how you feel.

Connectivity, compatibility and my incomprehensibly blatant feelings are what compel me to be so irrevocably drawn to you. Within my heart would lie a chamber, an imaginary yet sacred safe haven where my feelings may be kept safe and strong. You own this chamber, you own my heart. Without your undying love, I would surely dissolve and disintegrate into nothing but a pile of desperation and a pathetically lost soul. My love for you burns so strong, so deep that I would never be able to love another as I have loved you. Though all odds are against us, all possibilities of being together may seem too far to reach or too hopelessly out of the question, I shall still long for your love, long to feel your soft skin lay against mine. I shall long to feel our lips and bodies collide in what feels like a supernova of emotion and love. To make love to you is like nothing I could imagine. To feel the very fabric of my existence lay within your hands; yours to control, to do with as you so please. My love for you is unconditional and undeniable. It is certain that without you, I would not be me.

Remember that day you sat in your room?
silence was a comforting melody
Did he ever love me?
You dragged yourself over to your shelf, picked up a bottle of ***
Never mind a cup, the pain you were feeling couldn't be measured with a specific amount of alcohol entering your body
All you could remember is what you did on that bed together
You kissed
Made love to each other
Cried about lost dreams and made new ones together
We will have 5 kids, Etzio is our son, Delilah, Charlotte, summer, and Lillian
We will have them workout with us
Accept them for what our parents didn't accept us for
Love them unconditionally
Love each other unconditionally
You will travel with me for my competitions and I will be sitting and supporting you in every case you will be talking in
I want to die in your arms and never live a day without telling you that I love you
Now I'm drunk
You're gone
The memories are haunting me
I can't sleep
My dream catcher seems to be one of the lies I'm getting used to now
Your lies.

Killing yourself
A lot of us have thought about it at least once
You're not good enough
You're not smart enough
You're not pretty enough
Your dreams are "stupid"
So other than working on fixing yourself you decided to take your own life
Your crying mother wishes she tucked you in bed one last time
Your depressed father wishes he was never ******* you about school
Your sister locks herself in your room hoping you would walk in once more and tell her to get out
Your best friend wonders why she never noticed how much you needed her
You thought you were getting rid of your problems but you only worsened it
You can never do something without it affecting other people at one point
You are loved
You are worthy
You are strong
You can get through it
Just know what you have before you decide that it is not good enough.

The first time you told me you loved me
I was drunk out of my mind, we were lying in bed and you were hiding the fact that you felt anything towards me from your friends.
You walked me home,
Helped me change into fresh clean clothes,
Tucked me in bed.
I love you…
But you were saying that to somebody else
Was it because I have a habit of only saying the truth when I'm drunk?
was it the beauty in the moment where our skin was touching?
or that the house was quiet?
The voices in my head were silenced by your presence
You didn't even kiss me that night
You didn't want me to think that you were taking advantage of me.
You held me,
Comforted me,
Told me that I was the most beautiful girl in the world
That nobody has made him feel this way
You told me that I meant the world to you and that you can't live if I'm not with you
I guess you're dead now.

Nobody should love you more than you love yourself.
Nobody will love you more than you love yourself.
So please baby, please love yourself so dearly.
Die for your own happiness.
Do anything to make yourself seem more worthy,
more worthy of your own love.
Never let a silly little boy make you feel worthless.
Never accept yourself as just a *** object,
because the boy that just asked you to hook up with him won't make you feel better
won't fill that empty space in your heart
won't make you feel loved again.
It's all up to you.
You're strong
You're beautiful
You're mighty
You're capable of being loved the way you love
But it's all up to you.

My fingers running through your hair, your ears placed exactly on my chest so you could hear my heartbeat. your fingers are tapping my shoulder in sync with my heartbeat, and you telling me to "slow down" thinking it was somehow possible for me defy the laws of nature…loving you. loving you was real, almost natural. Brought up believing that love only existed with Jasmine and Aladdin, But this time, it was me and you. The way your eyes would warm me up with the look filled with love, almost telling me that it will last; now just a distant memory filled with self pity and hate for every time I paused before I said "I love you too". Every lost opportunity to numb my pain with your lips and warm touch. The last time I could wake up in the middle of the night to look at your peaceful face, with a faint smile on your face as if knowing that this is where we belong, together forever in the safe presence of the dark figures now haunting my memory.