She's been sent as a test,
to see how I handle the stress.
That's my guess.
And I've handled her well,
as she seeks to discredit me,
get at me,
push all my buttons.
She pushes and pokes,
and provokes.
But I'm not going to bite,
'cos she's wrong and I'm right.
So I'm playing the long game.
Staying the same,
being me.
Unperturbed by relentless
attacks on my work.
And it's working,
I'm learning,
I'm earning my stripes.
Growing up,
showing up.
Being sure of myself.
Dismissing the thoughts
that seek vengeance.
To stoop to her level.
'Cos I've been there before,
and it didn't work out.
She can shout all she likes,
and I'll never shout back.
'Cos I'm better than that.

That instinct
You have
When you're this depressed
And
Every time
You're in the
Stainless Steel kitchen
And your mom
Is stirring soup at the stove,
And a dribble of
Tomato basil
Slobbers down the side
Of the black pan.

And there's still
A knife out
From when
Tomato intestines
Sprawled across a cutting board,
Which is now in the
Soap-water sink.

You feel it,
In that second.
Instinct.
Need, really.
To take it
And slice open your wrists,
Or maybe just one,
If you're having a good day.

You seriously consider it.
It isn't just a thought.
It can
Scare you, really.

You want-
And one day, might need-
To pick up that knife
And do bad things.
Things that good girls
Wouldn't dream of.

But you don't do it,
And you won't do it,
Because your mom is right there
Stirring soup
And ignoring tomato drool.

And it's such short notice,
You haven't written your note yet.

She didn't do it for the attention.
She just wanted the pain to end.
She didn't know people would stare,
When the cuts started fading in.

It was just a temporary dose,
Of a different kind of pain.
Physical, instead of mental.
She knew that she wasn't insane.

She wasn't crazy as everyone might say.
Everything just got out of hand,
And the kids at school bullied her.
She cut, so that she could travel to a different land.

So one night while her parents were fast asleep,
She cut down the river, but went too deep.

Her life flashed before her eyes and everything went black,
She had got what those kids had hoped for, and never came back.

No more cutting she says
Lying through her teeth
I haven't done it she lies
Trying to appease her girl
I won't hurt myself she says
She tries to convince herself
That her lies will become truth

She knows it's wrong
What she's doing
How she's lying
About her mental health
She can't help it
The secrets are
Holding together
Her sizzling sanity

She hurts herself secretly
Hiding in the dark
Trying to keep it together
Even though she's
Falling apart on the inside

She promises herself
One day these lies will come true
Fake it until you make it
That's all she has to do

You want me
You take all of me
My many flaws
Covered up by painful scars

You want me then
You accept my past
All my failures,
My guilt, my shame

You want me you have to work
I promise it won't be easy
To take my pain away
Kiss away all the scars
Heal the pain
Protruding in my heart

You want me
You shower me
With love and affection
Show me what it's like to be loved
Take my hand as we
Throw ourselves into the unknown

The color red,
Is paint to my skin,
for i am an artist,
Who no one seems to notice
My art is unknown,
For nothing shows,
Talents go a long way,
Under my sleeves,
They stay hidden,
Open pieces of art,
That no one seems to notice,
I am an artist,
My cuts are master pieces.

Too numb and need to feel?
visit my steel friends under the mattress

Feeling too much and want to be numb?
visit my glass bottled friends hidden in my closet

Feeling stressed and need to settle down?
visit my smelly green friends, breathe them in slowly

Too many thoughts and can't sleep?
visit my friends in daddy's medicine cabinet, he won't notice

**what if I visited more than one friend at once?

This pain is not new,
Not different,
Just stronger,
Sharper,
More threatening,
It's like glass,
Mapping out my insides,
Leaving wounds,
That will surely remain forever,
It's tearing me apart