More and more
you call me out at night
with bundled up happiness
and canned delights
Begging to be bathed
in the pressing rays
of sunsets and moon rise

More and more
I feel the wear of the straps
that could put the world
up on my back
Wishing to be carried
by weary shoulders
of a travelling man

Take me back two years
when you were there to
hear my fears
now I'm two steps from
running away

What can I say
I'm broken
what can I do
I'm choking
this is all
cliché

Does your brain bring
all of the things I
used to be
buying rings
writing songs
at night I could
hear you sing

Still haven't felt the same
I'm worn down
tame
lame
hanging my head in shame
a sham of the man
I used to be
when you were
there for me

ice, ice, ice
count them till
I can't count any more
then disperse a smoothie
from my stomach to the floor
jump back up
soy sauce and Black Mask
in one shot
throw it back
black hats and piñata kisses
texts from an ex
and 11:11 wishes
pass out
wake up
clean up
my birthday
in
a
bag

Xanax
a cure for some
a vice for others
but friend of mine
don't let little
pills
be your downfall

Why do so many
strangers
tell me they see
god in my eyes
when inside
I am
godless

I'm sick of liars and cheats,
past roommates who
don't know how to be responsible
kicking me in the teeth
with bills that built up a year ago, when
I wasn't even living there,
to pay
that **** isn't my responsibility
did you think energy was free?
And do you think my minimum wage job
leaves me with the room
to throw around money and
cover your *******?
I can barely pay for my own classes
let alone your mistakes.
A day ago a friend tried to off himself,
that hits hard cause I've tried to **** myself
and I know where he is at
I can't do much
I've said my piece, tried to be there
tried to hold so many people's heads up
my arms are getting weak.
I've been keeping my car together
with duct tape
just last week I was this close
to getting *****,
followed up by six days of work
where half the people don't pull
their weight
and I just got enough dough
to put food on my plate.
I once said
"it's never that hard to escape"
I was wrong
I'm so mad I could scream my lungs
dry and ******
and so sad I could collapse
and cry with my nose runny.
I just want someone honest
to hold me, they wouldn't even
need to say anything
just let me fall asleep next to them.
This ******* pen that I put
so much of my heart in
doesn't stop the hurt
just puts it in words
so I can read them on repeat.
Hell I don't expect anyone to like this
it's a mess
a mirror image of me
my reflection in a sense
and I realize we all have problems
and none of us can stop them
fine, I'm going to drive until
I run out of gas
or crash
anything to make all this ****
in the past.

Some folks
are meant for the
plunge into another's soul
but I am not a part of them
I am a lone
man.

All hands on deck while this sail
wraps around my neck.
I try to escape but the tide
washes me back.
The planks are worn and holes
riddle the rotting keel.
I made my craft from weakened wood
when it should have been made of steel,
the waves slowly seep in
whispering of a salt water meal.
The ropes that dangle from my withered mast
threaten to string me up
like a pirate put on blast.

No more "yo **'s"  and "aye mateys"
the cabin's locked, with no handle or slot
for a key.
And the rudder is stuck, drifting me
in loops
Every port I land in cheats me,
I've been duped
of all my treasure,
armaments, and ship
If I can fix this vessel
It'll strike a coarse
for a watery grave
Sunken at the bottom, the sea
will never be the same.

Black ship
Red sea
coasting through folds
with elegant ease
Black ship with white teeth
spent all night sleeping next to me

White ship
Blue sea
playing in folds
being such a tease
White ship with soft speech
no longer here sleeping next to me

Before anything
they kept me
warm,
then protected me
from imagined monsters
and harm.
Later they held my
passion
and a person in addition,
now they wrap
my toes and get pulled
over my head
where I sit in sorrow
with an
empty
bed
.

There is a sore,
from where cigarette butts
slightly rub
as ash is flicked into the air,
on the side of my
index finger
how much smoke has engulfed my lungs?
there's one when I wake up
one on the way to work
one during break
one on my way back home
one after the shower
then one every half hour
forty five minutes, tops
oh ****
why can't I
stop

A handful of paces
to the left
then up to the door
behind which she slept
last night
and all the nights before
now invited to join
from the bed,
to the wall,
to the kitchen floor.

Sometimes my blood
boils
over the edge
I try so hard
not to lose my temper
but father, you let me down
when I saw mother hit the ground

Sometimes my blood
freezes
in my eyes
I try so hard
not to let it hit my heart
but mother, know its not
your fault

Sometimes my blood
is just normal
and it seems so strange
that's why I run
that's why I boil and freeze
because deep down
I'm not satisfied with


with
me

Sitting on the stoop
smoke rings break in the wind
but one bent into a
heart
as I thought of you

(and left me confused)

My worst fears have come true,
I'm just a face in the crowd that
means nothing to you.
I've got a ****** apartment with two dudes
dropped out of school to fly
but cash shot me down
And I swear someone taught my demons to swim
because I can't seem to get them to drown.
It's like I'm stuck in immaturity
I'm a twenty-something nobody,
twenty-something nobody at all.

I get caught in my own webs
failure designs drawn in my head
put down in full color
no more
no more
they jump from blue prints
to actions
to my lapse in intuition
but lucky for me
I never finish anything
I never finish
I never
I

I never live like the best,
ashing this Snicklefritz blunt on my chest,
let those little embers burn and make a mess
because the pain is better than stress
that threatens to envelope my life
I'm sick of a 9 to 5  
ruining all my clothes for a paycheck
that's worth less than a dime in the times

Worn wheels rattle
over chipped concrete,
scarred wood lathered
in black sandpaper,
slaps against hole-y shoed feet.
Seconds after the pop, the board
slams to a stop
throwing me to the street,
blood pouring from elbows and knees,
try, try, try again
to kick flip in hopes
of being
freed.

Strong
opinionated
but I'm glad you see
and agree
with my reason
to be
alive.

I apologize
for the hoops I've
made you leap through,
the chemicals I've
put into you,
and the burns you've
suffered
at my
command

I helped a friend
stumble to the bathroom
so he could puke,
held his head
so he threw up in the
toilet
and not everywhere else,
made sure he got
toothpaste on his teeth and gums
then led him to a couch
so he could lay with
a cute girl and cuddle
while I made bed
out of a chair
the next room over
evaporating like
the last puddle
of this storm
cold and wishing
I was him
snuggled up
and warm
.
.
.

I'm allergic to
the flowers that grow
in your brain