I've held on so long
that my fingers might break
under the pressure of the weight
you dropped on me
I can't shake this feeling
Like a pencil stuck in the
schoolroom ceiling, just waiting to take
the fall.

I've cried out so much
my throat might crush
I can't take the tingle
that intercepts my veins
like the warnings you gave me
straight to my brain.

I don't mind it
Shovel up another spoon full
lets get through with it
I like the taste of medicine
any
way.

Through years spent
sharing a bedroom
And playing in the same streets
Gnawing on the same meals
with childish teeth
I don't think you really
know how much it all
means

Now weeks pass
I'm in class, you work
but I spend many nights
wondering if you hurt
or wonder if I've grown
since the days in that home

We have different tastes
different hungers
but I mean it when I say
I love you and I'm grateful to
call you
Brother

Jake sits on the rocks,
perched above the watering hole,
silently observing Dad and I
hopping from stone to stone.

He doesn't want to get wet,
doesn't mind being alone,
I'm unconcerned, aware
of Jake's distaste for unnecessary dampness,
though Dad complains
that Jake never joins in the fun,
wanting close proximity to his son.

Life like dust

Buttoned up
with no where to go

Grandma Cherry...

Fine rain falls onto the reflection pool,
tiny ripples bouncing off each other,
transient touch.
Mist hangs on the mountains,
shrouds peaks.
A bell tolled out,
reverberating purity,
find peace in obscurity.

Today I realized that I
am one of those people
you see characterized on shows
that just wants to sit outside
and smoke
I have been on my porch
watching my plants
and the sun trot across the sky
hell I'll probably sit out here
well into the
night

We pull on blue nitrite gloves,
doctors paid in seeds and tea-candle light.
Our medical equipment has black and orange handles,
a serrated blade, a metal loop, a potato peeler.
Our patients wait boldly with no pain killers.
We plunge in our blades and saw
a lopsided circle with a jag,
then tear the whole piece up,
stringy brains follow.
This operation has no set procedure,
just simple pleasure,
a lost tradition
now remembered.

money makes me ugly,
as soon as I catch extra
you can see me at the smoke shop,
blowing it by buyin' packs of cigarettes
smoking two a pop,
drinking heinous amounts,
getting dangerous when I go out,
reckless intentions demolish
my apprehension for self harm,
not razors but walls,
not looking for a savior or even
interacting with all a y'all,
just sitting in the shower using
too much water while I finish off a bottle,
full throttle toward self destruction,
trying to not function,
I don't even want the promise
of resurection, distant on purpose,
so I'll close this with an apology
to everybody and me,
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

My pupils are turning green
that loot, that coin, that greed
money doesn't grow on trees
**** straight, but I throw cash
on eighths, domed so my foot
don't hit the brake.
high on the way, I don't tail gate
I pass
Hear a bump in my trunk
my stash,
rattlin' around to the amp,
off that ramp, round the corner to the
courthouse,
sippin' on a shake
bought with food stamps
**** this I'm out
home to crash on the couch
and scheme
cream, cream, I want my cheese
stacked like chedda' on the line
at my minimum wage grind
Cops gave me a fine
like I got time to pay that ****
can't blame 'em though
they tryin' to get what I got
in my pocket
my wallet
you called it
Money

Apartment smokey
as oiled chicken bakes,
pepper flakes crunch, pop
from excess drops,
muscles hot from crushing rocks.
A time tested method for calm head,
shed weight, elevate concentrated focus,
no external locus.
Hippie-dippy, hocus pocus,
tokeless moments notice
change and composure,
closer to found by stealing
body from ground, resurrecting
ancient things, lost memories,
how to place my foot,
shift weight, drop knee,
reach

for the next stone.

Nickels and dimes
              are not enough
                      for this
heart

wake up with a hangover charm
not grumpy but maybe five yards from
being up beat
lazy strums on my old guitar
didn't bother with pants or
socks on my feet
only had the nerve to
brush the left half of my teeth
I make breakfast in my boxers
at a quarter past five
finally a touch of feeling alive
by still too wounded to go for a drive
stay inside sounds more like the ticket
stay awake too late with all of the crickets
take my pick, lick it and stick it
won't do the body no harm
have a goodnight beer
to give me another morning
of my hangover charm

The moon wanes, translucent power grows dull,
senses pulled back beneath a layer,
sticky apathy encasing,
chambered in gloom.

It waxes,
the beams gleam stronger now,
feeling returning,
bubbling, burning.
How bright this glow!

Catch it quick,
grab a jar before it darts
and sinks away into the lagoon,
where the stench and vile waters
swallow it back up.

She told me
I reminded her of LSD.
I always changed her world
but it was guaranteed that
I would leave.

Grandma's on her death bed
while father's in Dallas
burning in the heat that is
well known for Texas
I know that I can't make it
and even if I did
she wouldn't remember me
or even worse she'd think I was Jerry
but grandpa departed a few years ago
I know, I know
it's what happens when you're old
yet I still recall
when she walked me to horses
and we fed them carrots
the old house and back porch
the dog and the heavy door
bells on shelves
and how it's all gone to hell
hey Grandma
I miss you

jeans soaked through,
clinging to skin and sweat
beaded, dripping past my brow,
grey slosh seeped into shoes
that won't be dry by morning,
when I cram them back on,
trudging, soon after dawn,
to resume the routine,
prep unbelievable amounts of food,
clean never ending stacks of dishes,
growing suspicious that this is it,
life after school,
just grinding myself to bits,
so when I finally get a day off,
all I want to do is sit, and pretend  
I don't exist.

You never did **** like that for me
chillin in my lap, with a lighter and a sack
tickets to shows and suckin' it clean
Funny little nicknames, bed games,
thinking about head thangs.
Trips to Chico, down south, or left and right
two lines in the morning and two tabs at night
decided to be a bad ***** now, come freestyle
and I'll put you in your place
run laps around you the whole ******* race
leave you in the dust without a ******* trace

Step back, breathe
dry heave, dry heave
Switching lanes like a drunk man
swerving on the highway, I'm ******* my teeth
coked up going 90, 0 in my sheets.
Blown out bass busting out **** beats
Thought those 2 years made you a hard ***** *****?
You're a lie ***** *****, you don't even try ***** *****
I'm glad I got to know ya but now I'll kick your *** to the curb like a ******* state patrola!

I've gotten so good at being alone
now it's a great time on the couch
surfing the web on my phone
singing with a wide mouth
letting random melodies pour out
throw in a shout or a laugh
chilling with myself like a *******
but it's fun, acting exactly how I
want to act, patting my own back
I'm glad I didn't let myself as a best friend
slip through the cracks.

my least favorite trait,
that surfaced late at night
with the speakers up
a little too high,
is when you try to tell me
what I know
"You have heard this song"
No, I haven't
you have no idea what
thing I've done in my life
or what I've heard
or seen
or felt

I think I've been looking at this
all wrong
she doesn't miss me
and she didn't know
what it meant when she kissed me
and I shouldn't expect her to
because I never spoke my mind
completely
oh god
I'm a fraud
I can only be mad at myself
me
myself
the blame is on my hands
my hands
Oh ****
Oh ****
Oh ******* ****
I've done it again
misconstrued everything
time to
reevaluate
I'll see you later
when my head is on
straight

There are generations of kings
and peasants buried in my bones
though I claim to be neither
riches and starving stomachs
reside in my skin
though I've only experienced one
there are daughters and sons
doves and guns
my flesh is a tree
torn from the earth
my death will be
another's birth

More okay things?
No anger?
I need more laughter.

An acid trip disaster,
left him mentally shattered
for a few hours.

Everything is *****.
Take a shower!
I can't go in that giant sink.
Then go to sleep!

More okay things?
We could move planets with this.
No anger.
More okay things!?