Sitting here remembering everything that's going wrong.
Then I remembered the last time I heard you laugh.
And everything is okay again.

I'm so lost.
and confused
and hurt
and tired
and I can't stop crying
and I'm angry
and I'm broken
and yet I'm still completely in love with you.

I like you.
Please don't treat me like a chess game.
I've already had my heart defined like a chess piece.
I care too much already.
Don't make me regret counting on this to work.
Don't make me regret you.

the silence has more to say than I'd like to hear

If I made an Etsy and sold canvases and phone cases and other stuff with quotes from my poems would you guys buy them, if they were cheap?

There's something about your lips that I can't forget.

Why do I feel like a stranger in my own home?
Isn't "home" supposed to be the place where you feel free?
Instead all I get are condescending glaces and remarks that make me want to curl up into a ball.
I've been avoiding all mirrors.
How could I see myself as beautiful when the only people who were supposed to love me wouldn't care if my body went up into flames.?
This is my home...but I feel so alone.

I JUST WANT TO FORGET THE WAY YOUR LIPS TASTED AND THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE AND YOUR LAUGH AND THAT STUPID LITTLE SMIRK AND THE WAY YOU RUN YOUR FINGERS THROUGH YOUR HAIR AND THAT SMILE WHEN YOUR FAVORITE SONG CAME ON THE RADIO AND THE SCREAMS TO GOD IN THE SHEETS AND THE BRUISE LOOKING MARKS YOU MADE ON MY CHEST AND THE YOUR SINGING VOICE AND YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR BIRTHDAY AND HOW YOU PUT VANILLA IN YOUR COFFEE AND THE FACT THAT YOU'RE SUCH A NERD YOU'LL READ THIS AND HATE THAT IT'S A RUN ON SENTENCE SO YOU'LL FEEL THE NEED TO REWRITE IT WITH CORRECT PUNCTUATION AND I ESPECIALLY HOPE ONE DAY I FORGET THAT I EVER LOVED YOU AND THE WAY I FELT WHEN YOU LEFT.

I need you to be my lover or you can't be in my life at all.
*I can't just be your friend.

1.I miss the way you laughed at my singing because you felt I always "tried too hard."

2. I miss you giving me the cold shoulder. It meant you cared. But now it means something else.

3. I miss how awake and alert you are in the morning. I miss pushing you and your too much energy self off because I wasn't awake enough yet.

4. I miss your sarcastic jokes that were always followed by a hug and a "I love you" with a chuckle.

5. I miss how silly our conversations were. We talked about everything and anything. You would say "How the hell did the universe come up with you?"

6. I miss the more deep conversations. You looked at the ground while my fingertips drew circles on your back. Your eyes would close and you slowed your breathing. I miss the stillness and that silence. Theres nothing I wouldn't give to trade this silence for that silence.

7. I miss the play fighting. I remember one time someone said "At first, I thought you guys were being serious but then I saw the way he looked at you." If only you could look at me like that again. Like nothing else mattered.

8. I miss your arms and the way it made me feel like I spent all of my life being in the wrong places. The only place, the one place, I belonged was in your arms.

9. I miss your awful jokes. I miss laughing not because I thought it was funny but because you said it and nothing made my heart feel more joy than you.

10. I miss you. I miss the amount of pride I felt standing next to you. I miss the fighting and the screaming and the slamming doors and the making up and the heartache and the pain. It was everything and nothing. It was painful but wonderful. It was all that I imagined love to be. I can't seem to say goodbye but I know you want me to.

You made my heart smile for the first time since his death.
I haven't had a glimpse of happiness in nearly 2 months.
You brought back something I've missed.
You made me laugh. I forgot how my laugh sounded.
You made me remember the feeling of contentment.
And for just a second you reminded what love felt like.

I'm embarrassed to say that I miss you so much.
Even your bad jokes.
Especially your bad jokes.

Your call tastes like ***** and abandon houses
Your voice sounds like a dehydrated alcoholic in recovery
You say, "It's okay, nobody has to know"
You say its okay while your words betray the one who wouldn't ever find out.
Your paint yourself 20 different shades of colors that I've never liked.
I put my innocence in focus and sent you vulnerability
You stole my morals and fed my guilt like a church shuns the corrupt.
You stole my name and made it your own

Twelve hours later and I can't look at myself in the mirror
Twelve hours I wait for either a response or for time back
I don't even love you
But I do.
This is the last time I give more than I understand.

Happiness isn't an emotion. It's being with you.

My mom is depressed
my lover is away
my lover's love doesn't exist anymore
this song makes me sad
I haven't taken a sleeping pill in 3 days
I haven't slept in 3 days
where is my father?
I think I'm slowly killing myself
one time a girl heard me throwing up in the school bathroom
no these scars on my wrist aren't from tonight but every other minute I wish they were
I just don't feel beautiful anymore

I know I acted disgusted but I kinda liked how he called you my boyfriend.

the sweetest poems I ever wrote were when I claimed to hate you.

It's 4:36am
and here I am
Face down on the floor with wet, swollen eyes that won't seem to stay closed.
4:37
the sun will shine in a few hours, but the light can't keep the darkness of my heart away.
4:38
I thought you were an open door to save me
turns out you were an open window for someone else.
4:39
Winter is coming up soon and our pictures are coming down,
but pain isn't a season or a memory. It's here to stay.
4:40
My heart is damaged just like you said I was. I'm saying good bye to the world. Good bye to you.
May my dreams put me 6 feet under tonight.

Will you come back?

You say, "I ate so much I want to go anorexic"
You don't know
but I'm anorexic
I'm a loose cannon
Doctor says I'm gonna die any day now
but I can't stop
All I think about is food, and calories,
and how good my hip bones would look if I was only 5 pounds lighter
I have no friends anymore.
But I'm surprised.
Even I hate me.
Even I don't want to hang out with me.
I have no life besides sitting at home thinking about carbs
As dead as I look from the outside I feel more dead inside
As cold as I am all the time, my heart is colder.
So don't you dare say you want this life
Don't say this is desirable
Because its not..


I hate myself.
If only I was skinnier...

I would know you anywhere.

Whenever I die
I don’t want people to lie
And say I was nice
That wouldn’t be right
Tell them how I felt inside
How easy it was to make me cry
How I’d jump from guy to guy
That I wasn’t easy to love
And I rarely felt like I was enough
I believed in God above
But living it out was really rough
I don’t want people to lie
Whenever I die
I could be mad and if you’d seen it
You’d know I say thing and not mean it
Tell so many lies that I’d believe it
Say I’d love them then I’d leave em
I never shared what was mine
And I wasted too much time
I don’t want people to lie
Whenever I die
To the people I hurt I would apologize
Though I always thought I was right
I’d be crying and say I was fine
And I’d feel lonely most of the time
If it’s not too much to ask
Do me a favor one last time
Tell them who I am
Whenever I die

Its like I speak but the words vanish like dust
Because it just goes in one ear and out the other
Just like you always seem to go in one door and out the other
And its like I'm buying your happiness
Because you smile at my expense
But  you can never get enough so you take every ounce of love I have for you and spend it on messages you would never let me read
Its just hard because we built this relationship out of your lies and my mustard seed faith stopped growing but I still kept coming back.
And why?
Maybe its because the pain is a reminder that the love was real
It's a reminder that "we" once existed.
That the hour of happiness existed before you relapsed and I found out.
You injected me with your demons, they lived in the house you built in my veins.
The blood that was once a vivid red, stayed blue because the only oxygen that would hit it would be consumed by the breaths you shared with her.
I inhaled your inability to love anybody other than you. Your secondhand smoke clouded my vision and took over my brain.
You became my every movement and response and the thing keeping me alive.
You were my rehab.
Took my every addiction and made it you.
And I couldn't stop. I just kept injecting you. I kept breathing you.
Then you left.
And I looked in the mirror and saw that I had become who you are.
I had mimicked your every emotion, expression, and words.
And I was nowhere to be found.

As you know there is a part of me that has been suffering for awhile.
And I have tried so hard to push away these feelings of hatred out of my mind
but there is this void inside my heart that hasn't been filled.
When I met you it started to get better.
I started to smile again.
But being with you didn't fill the void that only self love can fill.
I thought that you would be able to fix me.
I thought that if you loved me enough that I would start to love me too.
but I was wrong.
Nobody can fix me except me.
I can't truly love anybody until I love myself and this is so hard to say.
Its hard because I'm hurting but I'm also hurting for you.
I picture you reading this and it breaks my heart.
This is so unfair to you.
But at this point in my life I have to help myself.
You did nothing wrong. This is all my fault and my problems.
You just loved me and you loved me so much that I couldn't bare the thought of being anything less than perfect for you.
This just isn't healthy. I need to get my thoughts back to a healthy place.
Please don't hate me.

1 5 3.

I don't know exactly what happened
All I remember is my shower fresh hair
and your white tshirt.
I remember the heart ache
The urge to get rid of it some how.
I don't know if you made a difference
but you were there.
He just took another girl home so I needed to feel better
I needed to feel how he was making that girl feel
Tension builds. Faces touch.
Your hand ran down my spine.
Chills followed your fingertips
I heard you sing songs angels didn't know the words to yet.
I closed my eyes, the pleasure couldn't make up for the missing lyrics
Though we sang harmonies that fit the song, we were out of tune
Loneliness settled back into my heart
And this is all I've ever known about trying to move on.

You were almost the one.
You almost loved me.
We almost made it.
We almost had the time of our lives.
I almost understood the five heartbreaks before you.
I was almost content with how the constellations looked down on us.

*but almost never got anyone anywhere

It's 75 degrees outside
and I still feel cold
I still feel the fall
I still remember how autumn felt last October
I still remember you in that red plaid shirt that I loved
I still remember the emptiness of that coffee shop
you never showed up
I don't know why we thought we could last the four years that you needed to finish writing that chapter
You never showed up
But I can't stop seeing you.

You held my hand until it hurt.

I miss walking into a "Good morning" from you. It always started my day off right,
2. I miss dancing with you, if you could even call it dancing because we are both so bad.
3. I miss the simplicity of our happiness. We would sit on a field and you always talked about how much you were going to miss me when I left.
My heart always sank in fear of the thought of leaving you but I thought about the many months ahead of us and it wasn't so bad.
4. I miss being jealous as crazy as it sounds. You would say "You're so selfish when its comes to me." Then I'd laugh but it was true. My eyes would sharpen when I saw with other girls...some were prettier, and smarter, and probably a better fit than me.
5. I miss your laugh. Oh god, what I would give just to hear you laugh.
6.  I miss your hugs. They always felt like coming home.
7. I miss biting your ear. It was so odd but I knew the easiest way to turn you on.
8. I miss your cuddles. Now I sleep alone.
9. I miss your hands and how your fingertips traced my body as if you were the artist and I was the painting.
10. I miss the way you made me feel secure and never alone. I guess I never realized the abandoned houses next to our coffee shop until I became one.

I. Boy with the silly laugh
We were best friends.
You were there when my father left and I was there when you had your heart broken.
I knew you didn't love me. But I didn't care.
That was the beautiful part about it.
I still loved you knowing I wouldn't get love in return.
I hope you found what you were looking for.

II. The first boy I ever thought I'd marry
We spent so much time together and yet it never seemed like enough
I remember the first time we slept together.
My curfew was 11 but I still walked through my front door at 8 am the next morning.
My mom was so mad, but that night you tasted like heaven and I knew that's the only time I would ever get a glimpse of heaven.
If there is a God, I know he brought you to me.

III. The boy who ran out of time
I remember the day I met you, you played with my hair.
I remember how you'd always smell like vanilla and coffee.
I remember our first kiss, how your tongue would glide around my lip.
I remember the scratches and the screams to the angels.
I remember the day I last saw you.
I remember a full sanctuary with 100 shades of black.
I hope you're resting. I hope you're in heaven playing baseball like you did as a child.
I hope you know that when I told you to leave I didn't mean for you like this.

Does she even make you feel like an Ed Sheeran song?

I can feel the laws from my childhood flee like ***** down the drain
I wanted to open the bottle of my innocence in celebration of how long its lasted
However you drank it as if it was yours to consume
I put my playlist on shuffle but all I hear are songs that remind me of you
You manipulated my voicemail while I counted dates like when they ask for the day of death
I would say, "He is still here
and I know he is still here because he took my name and made it his own.
He claws at my insecurities like a scratch off"
Nowadays when I look in the mirror all I see is all the things you stole from me.
They hang on the wall like a bad family photo.
But where are you?

What is so wrong about romanticizing pain?

No, pain is not beautiful.
But can one not see the beauty in loving someone so much that it hurts your heart physically and emotionally?

Isn't love that makes your whole body numb beautiful?

"Tell me about your family."

Before I tell you about my family I must warn you.
My family story isn't a happy one
It's not a story full of Christmas cards and family game nights.
It's not picturesque. It's not a story of smiles and laughter.

It's a story full of guilt and self hatred.
It's a story composed of slamming doors and cigarette burns.
It's me on the floor crying questioning my self worth.
It's my mom holding a bottle of anti-depressants that she always claimed were asprin.
It's my brother seconds before attempting to take his own life.
It's my sisters leaving to live with my grandparents.
It's my dad living behind bars. He couldn't keep his hands to himself.

Before you ask about my family...

You should know my family's story is one that only knew absence and hatred. It never loved. It never cast out my demons, in fact it's the reason they're there. It never said "good job." It never comforted. It never made anything better.

I just want you to know
that my favorite black shirt makes me look skinnier than I am
I never smile with teeth because my teeth aren't perfect
My eyelashes aren't that long without my mascara

I want you to know that I'm happy most days but I'm sad most nights
I take sleeping pills because I'm always worrying too much to sleep on my own
I cry alot. Mostly over my father's betrayal.

I want you to know that I love you more than myself
I find myself avoiding mirrors most days
I know you think I'm beautiful but I will never believe it.

I want you to know that on those really bad days when I can't even get out of bed, even when your hugs and holding my hand can't brighten my dead eyes, take me to the ocean and let the darkness of my heart be taken away each time the water meets the shore.

Wish I could look at you.
Wish that these demons calling to me wouldn't be the last to see me.
They scream to me in a familiar voice, the one voice I'd wanna hear.
Yours.
But I know once I awake I'll see my greatest pain.
My biggest regret.
My deepest fear.
I'll see you in that revolving door once again.
When you decided I was no longer what you wanted
When you gave me everything then took it away when you left in silence that turned into a black memory crammed so far down the bottle I forgot it was even there.
You changed my world and plagued everything and everyone around.
Because every little thing you used to do calls to me asking me to remember, to see it once again.
And the birds in the freezer in my heart have become so still and quiet.
My pupils grow smaller and smaller every day because in my world that used to be so bright and full of life has become so dark and small.
And I can't come to terms with living in a world without us.
So I look-
I hear you.
I feel you.
I see you

I love you more than she does I promise.

If you don't use the hashtag, but did the challenge and I don't see it feel free to message it to me because I'm loving seeing all y'all's poems and I don't want to miss one!

My dad loved the idea of being different.
He would say "Make them remember you!" or "Let your light shine!"
He always told me to never do anything "half-***"
He wanted me to work harder, reach higher, and see beyond the horizons of society.
He always said "never look down! That's when you'll fall!"
He always knew what to say but he ever knew how to follow his own advice.

I'm honestly so stuck right now, my poetry lately has ****** and I'm so out of it nothing I write has any bit of emotion in it.
I feel really empty without poetry but I feel too empty to write. I'm stuck in a ditch right now with no way to get out.
I'm sorry this probably doesn't belong here, but no one I know even knows I write poetry so I don't really have anyone to talk to.

Have any of you guys experienced this? Message me please. I don't want to be alone on this.

I hope you are finally a musician in Los Angeles
I hope you are successful WITH him.
I hope you learned the true meaning of success and contentment.
I hope you can finally wake up without remembering John hanging from a rope.
I hope you can finally cope.
I hope you can hear someone say "John" and not flood into an ocean of tears.
I hope you forgave your dad. It wasn't completely his fault.
Alcohol does that to people.
I hope you can eat three times a day without crying or hurting.
I hope you started eating more than 300 calories a day, you're killing yourself right now.
I hope you still sing in the shower and dance in your pj's every morning.
I hope all these things come true but mostly I hope you love yourself and are finally HAPPY.

I'll see you in every oak tree
in every summer sunrise
in every crowded cafeteria
picturing you in your blue shoes
with a Bob Marley backpack
I'll remember the way your hugs comforted me
and the way you said my voice was pretty
and how you wore that gray shirt because you told me the day before that I'd like it
and how you said you were there for me
and how your eyes lightened up the room when you laugh
Oh God I miss you.... I miss you... I miss you..I miss you. I miss you.

I'll never forget you.

Sincerely,
your almost lover

I WANT YOU BACK SO BAD. YOU ARE MILES AND MILES AWAY AND MY HOUSE DOESN'T FEEL LIKE HOME ANYMORE. THE ONLY HOME I REALLY KNEW WAS IN YOUR ARMS AND ANYWHERE ELSE I JUST FEEL INCOMPLETE. I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THOSE ABANDONED HOUSES UNTIL I BECAME ONE. I HOPE YOU KNOW I WAKE UP CRYING FROM NIGHTMARES EVERY NIGHT AND IT ONLY REMINDS ME THAT THIS BED IS A LITTLE COLDER AT NIGHT. AND I CANT SMELL YOUR COLOGNE ON MY SHEETS ANYMORE. AND YOUR SWEATER IS MY ONLY PIECE OF YOU THAT I HAVE AND I GOT A COFFEE STAIN ON THE SLEEVE AND I HOPE YOU AREN'T MAD. I MISS YOU SO SO MUCH MY LOVE. COME BACK.

I should tell you I pull away from hugs that last longer than 3 seconds.
I should warn you that my anger gets the best of me when I start to feel something.
It takes me awhile to adjust.
You're gonna have to be patient with me.

I know it may be hard to understand but my heart lets go before it even gets a grip.
I may not talk alot about my life but know that I am trying.
I  have been hurt so much before.
Try to be patient with me.

I've been down this road before and it left me with scars
so don't fret when my body tenses up when you grab my hand.
I'm starting to learn that the touch from a man isn't always full of empty promises and hurtful intentions.
You're gonna have to learn to be patient with me.

I feel like my poems have just become a list of complaints but how can I find the beauty in this storm?
No church has ever heard as many prayers as that hospital room that night.
Your life hung in the house like a crucifix or an old family photo.
HOW DID YOU EXPECT ME TO GET THROUGH THIS?????
Did you think your absence would make anything better?
It hurts.
It's killing me.
You left in paragraphs. You said I'd be fine.
But when you left you took me with you.
Now my bathroom floor knows more about me than I do.
Now I see you everywhere. In the halls, in your sister's eyes, our coffee shop. oh God that coffee shop.
Your presence still paints the walls there.
The coffee isn't strong enough anymore.
All I taste is you.

John. I haven't read one letter since you left. I'm scared to open an envelope and see the same note you left before you let your dreams, goals, days all hang from a rope. To be honest I don't know what it was that you needed to hear, what words could've saved your life. But I can say that old coffee shop feels emptier. My room feels colder. My eyes look darker. I don't smile at seasons changing anymore. I've been avoiding all mirrors because I can't bare to see myself without you.
    You were the best person I've ever met. It almost seemed unfair that I let such a perfect person be with a broken mess like me. You were so funny and the way your eyes lit up when you told a story...Oh God. I'm not religious but when you looked at me that way I thought we were both going to hell. Your laugh was all I needed to make a bad day better, oh what I would do to make you laugh.
   I know you hated long car rides and you knew I hated distance. Who knew 6 feet could feel longer than 100,000 miles.? Because now you're resting underground and I don't sleep without sleeping pills. I miss you so much. I miss you. I miss you.

These days I can't seem to catch a break.
I want to be happy again.
I'm so scared to sleep because I know what I will see when I shut my eyes.
You left and took a piece of me I needed.
I've tried to apologize. I've apologized over and over again.
Even "I'm sorry" screams "come back" if you say it enough,
I know I shouldn't be surprised.
I knew you were the type to pour salt in the wounds but I never thought you'd do that to mine.

No amount of love that you give me will make me love myself and I'm so sorry for that.

I drink enough water until I can drown all of you out of me
because its so unfair that I love this more than you.
I really I could forget you as easily as I want you to forget all the things I ever said.
You said you were scared of relationships but really you're scared of having anybody care about you.
I said "I know how you feel when nobody is watching."
I begged you to stay with tear stained collars and a broken glass.
I begged pretending I didn't know of all the lies you told, as if I believed your excused.
It might not be as bad as it seems but I can't stop taking sleeping pills to forget your name and the way it sounded when you laughed.

I'm trying to be fine without you
But I can't help but wonder if you ever keep yourself up at night wondering what I'm doing.
You gave me a chance I didn't deserve
But I really hope there's not a day you regret it.
I'm trying to move on but there's a part of me thats waiting for the phone call when you tell me you miss me.
Because I really miss you.
I know I didn't always treat you how you deserved but I always tried.
And I will always try to get you to come back.
I will always fight for us. For you.