I want that waking up at 6 am to make you breakfast kind of love,
that my friends think I'm absolutely crazy kind of love
the kind of love that is reckless and addicting
that I don't care what you look like I just want to stay up all hours to share secrets kind of love
that every time I see you my heart throbs kind of love
that I see you upset and you don't have to say anything and I already know what to do kind of love
that stand next to me because I love you kind of love
that "you can have the cup with more coffee" kind of love
that you get my heart and the world gets the worst of me kind of love.
that you are my everything kind of love.

My name is Courtney. My favorite colors are black and white because that's how I see everything. I'm usually loud in places I should be quiet and quiet in places I should be loud. I usually laugh too much, and smile when I don't want to. I like to meet new people but I don't like having super close friendships.
I like being left alone, most days I never leave my room.
I'm a scorpio but to be honest I have no idea what that means.
I have an odd fascination with things like the ocean and lights and coffee.
I like temporary things and that's why I tend to love people who could never love me back.
Its safer that way. Relationships only remind me that I'm not afraid of spiders or heights or rollercoasters but I'm terrified of everything that can be felt but not seen.
I have a purple heart. I got it because I'm constantly beating myself up about things and people I can't fix or make better.
I always try to swallow my pride but I choke on the words I can't say and my self esteem drowns out anything and everything that could be good or right in my life. My self esteem hates anything that could ever get close enough to hear me breathe. My self esteem is so scared of anyone that could ever hurt me like when I was 8 years old living through world war 3 in the place I called home.
I never sleep in complete darkness because that forces my eyes to see nothing but only feel what I'm afraid of.
I can't read letters without them being proof read first. I'm always so afraid that it'll blood stained by someone I love saying goodbye.
I hate goodbyes. I hate leaving doors open because open doors eventually get shut and that closed door stings more than any tear that ever rolled down my cheek.
This sounds so weird, but I wonder what my demons say about me when I'm not around. I wonder if they laugh at my weakness. I wonder if they were there when my friend heard me throwing up my pain into the toilet in my school's bathroom. I wonder if they saw me try to rip out the happiness of every picture I saw the boy I loved and his new girl in.
I don't allow myself to cry as often as I need to. I don't let myself grieve. I don't allow anyone to know anything about the first 13 years of my life. Because I know once I open that door, they will be scared of such a damaged me, that they will close it before I finish the story.
I do believe in God. I believe he didn't save me. I believe I've had to save myself all these years until I let him save me.
I'm Courtney. Nice to meet you.

Will you come back?

1.I miss the way you laughed at my singing because you felt I always "tried too hard."

2. I miss you giving me the cold shoulder. It meant you cared. But now it means something else.

3. I miss how awake and alert you are in the morning. I miss pushing you and your too much energy self off because I wasn't awake enough yet.

4. I miss your sarcastic jokes that were always followed by a hug and a "I love you" with a chuckle.

5. I miss how silly our conversations were. We talked about everything and anything. You would say "How the hell did the universe come up with you?"

6. I miss the more deep conversations. You looked at the ground while my fingertips drew circles on your back. Your eyes would close and you slowed your breathing. I miss the stillness and that silence. Theres nothing I wouldn't give to trade this silence for that silence.

7. I miss the play fighting. I remember one time someone said "At first, I thought you guys were being serious but then I saw the way he looked at you." If only you could look at me like that again. Like nothing else mattered.

8. I miss your arms and the way it made me feel like I spent all of my life being in the wrong places. The only place, the one place, I belonged was in your arms.

9. I miss your awful jokes. I miss laughing not because I thought it was funny but because you said it and nothing made my heart feel more joy than you.

10. I miss you. I miss the amount of pride I felt standing next to you. I miss the fighting and the screaming and the slamming doors and the making up and the heartache and the pain. It was everything and nothing. It was painful but wonderful. It was all that I imagined love to be. I can't seem to say goodbye but I know you want me to.

Dear Lover,
our love used to be a half full kind of love.
a love that always saw the light at the end of the tunnel
butterflies would take flight in my stomach at the sound of you voice.
your arms were my home, my sanctuary.
you were the light in my life, the sugar in my coffee.
you turned my blood red.
your fingerprints touched my heart and made me stronger.
I can never thank you enough for that.

if I could erase all the words I'm about to tell you from my heart,
and erase all my actions from my mind
it still wouldn't be able to stop my body from aching in my own guilt.
I met someone. His name is John.
he reminds me of watching Saturday morning cartoons in my favorite PJ's
his voice a song only an angel can copy

our love was once half full and now its half empty.
the butterflies sleep when I'm with you.
our love has died. our love is empty. I feel dead with you

The truth is John brings those butterflies back to life in the same way you once did.

I'm sorry....I'm so sorry

I'm in love with someone else

-Your lover

I feel like my poems have just become a list of complaints but how can I find the beauty in this storm?
No church has ever heard as many prayers as that hospital room that night.
Your life hung in the house like a crucifix or an old family photo.
HOW DID YOU EXPECT ME TO GET THROUGH THIS?????
Did you think your absence would make anything better?
It hurts.
It's killing me.
You left in paragraphs. You said I'd be fine.
But when you left you took me with you.
Now my bathroom floor knows more about me than I do.
Now I see you everywhere. In the halls, in your sister's eyes, our coffee shop. oh God that coffee shop.
Your presence still paints the walls there.
The coffee isn't strong enough anymore.
All I taste is you.

"I'm so OCD"
OCD isn't a joke.
Washing your hands over and over again until your skin is raw isn't a joke.
Doing things that your brain tells you to do, regardless of what, isn't funny.
Not having control is not a joke.

"You look so anorexic."
Eating disorders are not a joke.
Refusing to eat until it kills you isn't a joke.
Throwing up over and over again to get a body that you will never be happy with isn't funny.
Being control by the one thing that makes you feel like you have control isn't a joke.

"That made me so depressed."
Chemical imbalances in the brain isn't a joke.
Wanting to do nothing all the time isn't funny.
Wanting to die all the time isn't a joke.

Stop making jokes about things you don't understand.

And if you are dealing with any eating or mental disorder, I am so proud of you for still being here and staying strong. I know how hard recovery is. You will overcome it.

I woke up and I'm still suffocating
Oh God please give me space

I would know you anywhere.

I CHALLENGE ALL OF HELLO POETRY!
Choose a song, you can choose it randomly or it can be your favorite song, or just a song that you like. Write a poem while listening to that song. You don't have to write about the song but just write what comes to mind while you listen to it. I do this all the time and its amazing how it changes my mood and my writing. Title the poem the name of the song and use the hashtag #CourtsMusicChallenge and I will take the time to read all of them and repost them and leave some love in a comment.
Do the challenge then repost this so I know you did it.:)

You say, "I ate so much I want to go anorexic"
You don't know
but I'm anorexic
I'm a loose cannon
Doctor says I'm gonna die any day now
but I can't stop
All I think about is food, and calories,
and how good my hip bones would look if I was only 5 pounds lighter
I have no friends anymore.
But I'm surprised.
Even I hate me.
Even I don't want to hang out with me.
I have no life besides sitting at home thinking about carbs
As dead as I look from the outside I feel more dead inside
As cold as I am all the time, my heart is colder.
So don't you dare say you want this life
Don't say this is desirable
Because its not..


I hate myself.
If only I was skinnier...

If it doesn't set your insides on fire, is it really love?

A TYPE OF LOVE THAT MAKES ME TYPE IN ALL CAPS
A TYPE OF LOVE THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE AN ED SHEERAN SONG
A TYPE OF LOVE THAT HAS ME SINGING IN THE SHOWER AGAIN
A TYPE OF LOVE THAT I TALK ABOUT TOO MUCH
A TYPE OF LOVE THAT IS MORE THAN JUST BUTTERFLIES IN MY STOMACH

I. Boy with the silly laugh
We were best friends.
You were there when my father left and I was there when you had your heart broken.
I knew you didn't love me. But I didn't care.
That was the beautiful part about it.
I still loved you knowing I wouldn't get love in return.
I hope you found what you were looking for.

II. The first boy I ever thought I'd marry
We spent so much time together and yet it never seemed like enough
I remember the first time we slept together.
My curfew was 11 but I still walked through my front door at 8 am the next morning.
My mom was so mad, but that night you tasted like heaven and I knew that's the only time I would ever get a glimpse of heaven.
If there is a God, I know he brought you to me.

III. The boy who ran out of time
I remember the day I met you, you played with my hair.
I remember how you'd always smell like vanilla and coffee.
I remember our first kiss, how your tongue would glide around my lip.
I remember the scratches and the screams to the angels.
I remember the day I last saw you.
I remember a full sanctuary with 100 shades of black.
I hope you're resting. I hope you're in heaven playing baseball like you did as a child.
I hope you know that when I told you to leave I didn't mean for you like this.

John. I haven't read one letter since you left. I'm scared to open an envelope and see the same note you left before you let your dreams, goals, days all hang from a rope. To be honest I don't know what it was that you needed to hear, what words could've saved your life. But I can say that old coffee shop feels emptier. My room feels colder. My eyes look darker. I don't smile at seasons changing anymore. I've been avoiding all mirrors because I can't bare to see myself without you.
    You were the best person I've ever met. It almost seemed unfair that I let such a perfect person be with a broken mess like me. You were so funny and the way your eyes lit up when you told a story...Oh God. I'm not religious but when you looked at me that way I thought we were both going to hell. Your laugh was all I needed to make a bad day better, oh what I would do to make you laugh.
   I know you hated long car rides and you knew I hated distance. Who knew 6 feet could feel longer than 100,000 miles.? Because now you're resting underground and I don't sleep without sleeping pills. I miss you so much. I miss you. I miss you.

I don't know how the spark went out
but it did
did I lose that brightness in my eyes
or was my love just never enough
Whether the fire was put out or just vanished
it doesn't matter
Cause it still went out.

I should tell you I pull away from hugs that last longer than 3 seconds.
I should warn you that my anger gets the best of me when I start to feel something.
It takes me awhile to adjust.
You're gonna have to be patient with me.

I know it may be hard to understand but my heart lets go before it even gets a grip.
I may not talk alot about my life but know that I am trying.
I  have been hurt so much before.
Try to be patient with me.

I've been down this road before and it left me with scars
so don't fret when my body tenses up when you grab my hand.
I'm starting to learn that the touch from a man isn't always full of empty promises and hurtful intentions.
You're gonna have to learn to be patient with me.

I'm trying to remember the last time I thought of you without thinking of "goodbye"
Every day just screams your silence that will be with me for the rest of my life.
I know that this lifetime might not have anything left for us and I've come to terms with it like when they ask if you accept the terms and conditions.
And I don't. I just can't.
Because if I keep walking without you it's like every single day we spent together was just a past time.
But if I turn around I might never move on.
And I know in time you will find another who will erase your memories with me, but I hope when you hear "Chasing Cars" it'll bring you back to that rooftop.
I hope you never find the courage to stop loving me because I know I'll never stop loving you
And when those days come and you just want to be someone else, I hope that you will call.
And I hope in time you find the satisfaction of being free.
I hope you find time to remember who you are and visit our past self.
I hope you remember the music we made and the notes we cracked, and the word we butchered, and the feelings we hurt, and the moments we hated, and the sins we committed.
Remember me. And remember you.

I miss who I was before I met you. Before you were here I used to smile at seasons changing, now I dread the colder days.

2. I used to miss your laughter, now I miss the silence in my head. You once were my form of meditation, now I spend the days coloring because someone said it can be a type of therapy and Lord knows my therapist is tired of hearing the same story of a boy who keeps stealing my identity.

3. I miss you giving me the cold shoulder because I miss not being around you. I miss the days spent alone in my room reading novels so unrealistic but so desirable. Now I want nothing to do with anything because love is a four letter word and each letter stands for another reason that you couldn't stay.

4. I miss you before me. She loved you quite a bit.

5. I miss not writing about you. I used to stay afloat in my own but now I'm drowning in all the poetry that breaks me like your promises.

6. I miss waking without a reminder that I was never good enough and will never be good enough.

7. I miss my innocence. I reminisce on the times when I was oblivious to the evil in the world.

8. I miss belonging to myself. Because I know you're gone now but I still can't become my own. I can't get used to waking up alone.

9. I miss my laughter. The laughter you stole from me. I can't laugh at any jokes when my whole life has become one.

10. I miss the you before you became who you are now. You used to sing me to sleep and now you're the monster under my bed. You're the missed phone calls. You're the days spent at home alone. My mom asks me why I don't go out anymore, but she doesn't get it. I don't know why I'm surprised. I don't even get it.

Christmas is not the same anymore.
I have to buy flowers instead of the watch you wanted.
Christmas became different when you hung from that rope
and God I don't think I can ever eat another christmas cookie, go to a Christmas party, or open a present without remembering that you're lifeless and covered in dirt.

Lately I've been going to sleep really depressed and it's made not only going to sleep hard but waking up as well.
You've been deemed unfit to love me since you can't seem to love anything that loves you back and I can't seem to get over that.
You built a stone wall around every feeling you ever had for me and i don't know if it's because I don't deserve them or you're afraid I do..
You used to help me get through every night but now you're the only one stealing my sleep and each night ends with an echo of you and I can't even remember what you sounded like next to me anymore.
I remember when you asked "what are you waiting for" and all I could say is "to be somebody that won't hurt you"
I know everything ends eventually and some people find comfort in that but I can't be ok knowing my time with you ended too.

I hope you are finally a musician in Los Angeles
I hope you are successful WITH him.
I hope you learned the true meaning of success and contentment.
I hope you can finally wake up without remembering John hanging from a rope.
I hope you can finally cope.
I hope you can hear someone say "John" and not flood into an ocean of tears.
I hope you forgave your dad. It wasn't completely his fault.
Alcohol does that to people.
I hope you can eat three times a day without crying or hurting.
I hope you started eating more than 300 calories a day, you're killing yourself right now.
I hope you still sing in the shower and dance in your pj's every morning.
I hope all these things come true but mostly I hope you love yourself and are finally HAPPY.

I'm nervous to love you.
I know what its like to be left alone when my aching heart said too much.

I'm nervous to love you.
My father said I broke everything I touched.
Do you understand why I don't want to hold your heart?

I'm nervous to love you.
The last guy I loved left everything we had hanging on a ceiling.
He turned his red flannel into black suits and ties.

I'm nervous to love you.
I'm already a wreck.
I don't know if you will be able to see past that.

I'm nervous to love you.
I'm scared to rush into this.
I already feel so much.
I don't want to say goodbye to another person.
I'm scared you'll leave once you see the depths of my heart.

It's been months in recovery.
I haven't cried on my bathroom floor in 229 days.
229 days. I thought I was fine.
But this feeling comes over me and I find myself slipping back into missing you.
Why did you do this to me? And your mom? And your little brother?
It's 2 am and I can't sleep.
I just keep hoping that this alcohol will wash away all my memories of you before you ended you. Ended me. Ended us.
That coffee shop still remembers me by name and they used to ask me where you were or how you were doing.. I guess my eyes hitting the ground was enough to make them understand because they stopped asking.
I wish you could come back, just five minutes.
Even if those five minutes were just a broken record replaying you calling me a "selfish *****" the last time I saw you.
Am I selfish?
I guess so because I never said what you needed to hear.
I was never enough because my demons had more power over me than I did.
I could never get rid of them and you knew that and you stayed...well as long as you could.
John. Your name sounds like an apology and coming home at the same time.
I wish you would'be stayed longer John..

It's 4:36am
and here I am
Face down on the floor with wet, swollen eyes that won't seem to stay closed.
4:37
the sun will shine in a few hours, but the light can't keep the darkness of my heart away.
4:38
I thought you were an open door to save me
turns out you were an open window for someone else.
4:39
Winter is coming up soon and our pictures are coming down,
but pain isn't a season or a memory. It's here to stay.
4:40
My heart is damaged just like you said I was. I'm saying good bye to the world. Good bye to you.
May my dreams put me 6 feet under tonight.

"Court, you can't die with him. You have to let go."

But what if I need to?
I can't go to that coffee shop without losing my ability to breathe, as if I was hanging next to you.
I can't  listen to "Chasing Cars" with thinking about lying next to you and forgetting the world and myself.
I see your cousin at school and I see so much of you in him.
I can't go to the movies without wishing our fingers were intertwined.
I see flowers on the side of the road and all I can remember is your parents in all black kneeling at an alter in prayer.
Snow globes, hot chocolate, super hero movies and all the things that reflect us pull me through our timeline and remind me that I can't bear to look at rocks without seeing your name in that stone.
I can't drink coffee without tasting your vanilla kisses.
I can't look at ropes or strings or laces or ribbons without seeing your body hanging from your ceiling.
You used to leave me with smiles and stupid jokes but on October 13th, all you left me with was our history. And now its slowly carving my name into a rock and that's all I've ever known about letting go.

You said you loved me but I don't think you know what that means

What kind of love would leave me on the ground in your tshirt with teary eyes?
What kind of love would listen to twenty seven (literally twenty seven) voicemails of me crying and begging you to reply and not respond to a single one?
What kind of love would kiss me today and leave me tomorrow?
What kind of love would listen to my past without the intention of being in future?
What kind of love would just let go?

You said forever but I don't think you know what that means

I don't know what to write about anymore
because you haven't held my hands to stop them from shaking in almost 2 months.
You used to ask "whats wrong?" when you saw that my nails were getting short and now you don't even call.
You say, "Everything I've ever known has left me." as if I was never there in the first place.
I know you won't say it, but I know she borrows your clothes
and I think its messed up that I saw her wearing the shirt I bought you last Christmas.
You told me to move on because it would help me but you already know I break everything I touch so I'm scared to move anything because I might touch someone's heart.
I remember when you denied everything we ever had because it's hard to own up to having feeling for someone nobody wants.
They told you in your calculus class to solve the problems but I promise you they weren't talking about me.

Everything you ever said was always picturesque and it's no wonder that I fell in love with you.
(Cch)

Sometimes I would hold the hand that broke me, expecting it to be a barricade between me and a vehicle.

Sometimes I got so scared of the monsters under my bed,
but I didn't realize that I crawled into bed with one, expecting it to stop the nightmares it caused in the first place.

Sometimes it kissed my finger when I got a paper cut,
but never once did it cool the tobacco kissed burns on my arm.
Sometimes it whispered "I love you" with the same lips that screamed "You're worthless!"

I remember when I hated everything about it but I still craved it to stay.
I remember when it left, but its presence still breaks my bones and cuts my skin.

I think I'm losing you, but I will never regret choosing you
Because I am in love, and for now that will be enough
And the ones around me convince me that I was the only person who was dumb enough to believe that you and I had hope.
But now I know even after you began to let your emotions slow the only reason I stood alone was because I was the only one who knew our love was never going to let go.

Everyone wanted me to see that we could not thrive, so gouge out my eyes.
Because if this is reality then I guess I'm not alive,
Because I don't know a life in where I can't make things right.
And when life teaches you to drive and you finally say goodbye
And you won't let me stand by your side
Ill know that though some feelings are hurt, none will have died.
Cause I used to stay up at night and picture myself looking into your eyes
Shouting as you would sigh “how dare you think you can fall asleep with water dripping from the kitchen sink, how dare you think you can fall asleep with all these little leaks in this home we built in our dreams”

A picture is worth a thousand words or whatever people say to me.
It's hard to believe when your mind is lost and in need,
And all you can picture is a memory inside of someone else's sheets.
A prayer that nothing will keep,
A hope that light will seek before the dark sinks too deep.
Or at least the sinking feeling inside of me will decrease when the release of perceived dreams burn in the flame of feeling free.
So feel free to be free if that's what you need.

And if someday you feel alone and everything caves in when you try to breathe,
Know that you are not alone as far as I can see,
Because you were everything to me.
Through this I have realized that if I were God we would have all just died,
Because darling you were mine and now I feel so dead inside,
And what good am I if all I can create is a projection of my own mind.
A dream of finding time to remind you that I'm still here and I'm not fine.
And darling if you're going to leave just remember who you are,
And do what you can to remember me.

Maybe someday we can talk about our past and we can talk about the weather.
Whenever you leave I don't care what I'm remembered for,
I just want to be remembered.
Because even if I failed you at least I tried,
And maybe our lives don't add up now but someday our graves will look the same when we both die.
And if I had a chance I'd give you one last kiss and I'd bite down on your lip
And I'd try to puncture it so you'll never forget that time,
But you'll always regret.
And darling I know sometimes life will take a turn for the worst,
And sometimes life will even hurt.
And I know some days, some days you'll be afraid of the lessons you'll have to learn
And some days you'll even feel burned,
And I want to let you know that I want to love you through them.

But I always get what I deserve.

I forgot to tell you Happy Father's day the same way you forgot to be a father. Oh.

Please come back.
I know they say not to beg for someone who doesn't want you
but if I have to see you with her one more time I don't know what I'll do
I need you, nothing less, nothing more.
without you I feel so alone
My life, nothing more than a day spent on the floor.
My heart, just an abandoned home.
I didn't ask for much
I just wish you've would've called.
But all you gave was a selfish touch
And left as soon as I began to fall.
I'm not one for writing poems that rhyme.
But I wrote you so much in free verse you never gave a reply
So the more I wrote to you the more I felt like a waste of your time
You weren't just your body and your face for once in your life
You said thats why all your relationships have failed and maybe that's why now you don't even try.

I just want you to know
that my favorite black shirt makes me look skinnier than I am
I never smile with teeth because my teeth aren't perfect
My eyelashes aren't that long without my mascara

I want you to know that I'm happy most days but I'm sad most nights
I take sleeping pills because I'm always worrying too much to sleep on my own
I cry alot. Mostly over my father's betrayal.

I want you to know that I love you more than myself
I find myself avoiding mirrors most days
I know you think I'm beautiful but I will never believe it.

I want you to know that on those really bad days when I can't even get out of bed, even when your hugs and holding my hand can't brighten my dead eyes, take me to the ocean and let the darkness of my heart be taken away each time the water meets the shore.

Stop.
He's not a bad man.
He made a mistake.
Stop.
He drank one too many.
He loves you, mom.
It was an accident.
He didn't mean it.
Stop.
Look at my arms, mom.
The bruise healed.
He just lost control.
Stop
I know he loves me.
He loves you too, mom.
He's still my dad.
I know he still cares.
HE DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT ME
IT DIDN'T EVEN HURT THAT BAD
SEE? I'M FINE.
HE'S STILL HERE.
HE NEVER REALLY LEFT.
HE TOOK ME FOR ICE CREAM.
I SWEAR TO GOD IT HAPPENED.
I SWEAR IT HAPPENED.
I SWEAR.
HE'S OKAY NOW.
HE'S BETTER.
STOP.
STOP BLAMING YOURSELF.
STOP HATING YOURSELF.
HE'S NOT A BAD PERSON.
HE'S A GOOD MAN.
I SWEAR.
I SWEAR TO GOD HE'S A GOOD MAN.
STOP!
**STOP!!!!

It seems like everything I touch, I destroy.
I touched your car, I broke the glove box.
I held your mom's favorite coffee cup and watched it shatter to the ground.
I never had a pair of headphones work for longer than a few weeks.
I scratched up your favorite CD.
The crack of your phone was by my doing.

*You let me hold your heart and since that day it's been in a thousand little pieces, and even the apologies won't heal the scratches.
Even your black coffee isn't strong enough to remove the taste from my lips.

I don't remember what the last thing you said to me was.
I don't remember what shirt you were wearing.
I don't remember if it was one of those days where your eyes looked green or grey.
I don't remember if you had gel in your hair that day.
I don't remember. But if I knew it was the last time I'd see you, I wouldn't have taken that day for granted.

"Tell me about your family."

Before I tell you about my family I must warn you.
My family story isn't a happy one
It's not a story full of Christmas cards and family game nights.
It's not picturesque. It's not a story of smiles and laughter.

It's a story full of guilt and self hatred.
It's a story composed of slamming doors and cigarette burns.
It's me on the floor crying questioning my self worth.
It's my mom holding a bottle of anti-depressants that she always claimed were asprin.
It's my brother seconds before attempting to take his own life.
It's my sisters leaving to live with my grandparents.
It's my dad living behind bars. He couldn't keep his hands to himself.

Before you ask about my family...

You should know my family's story is one that only knew absence and hatred. It never loved. It never cast out my demons, in fact it's the reason they're there. It never said "good job." It never comforted. It never made anything better.

He knew he was just living in my shadow
We came to see what the city of angels had for us, if we could make it..
The angels silenced to hear my voice
while they turned their back to him
the dream he had for both of us turned into a one way street
and he couldn't see any sign of a bright future for him.
So he packed his dreams into a guitar case and flew back to Texas in hopes he could rekindle the life he's always known.
And here I sit. My mind sees the stars on the ground but all my heart sees is him.
The desire to feel held started to feel heavier than the reward of prosperity.
I know Whitney fashioned rivers when I turned the record off but the sound of the applause couldn't possibly be as rewarding as the sound of his voice.

The song we once loved now a funeral song.
The sweater you used to wear when it was cold can no longer keep you warm.
The last voicemail I left just a cry for help that will never be heard.
The words I needed to say are locked in a safe that no one knows the combination too.
This feeling of regret drowns me like the time my father threw me in the pool to teach me how to swim.
The taste of coffee on my lips can never rid the taste of your mouth.
My heart is beating in a monotone tempo. It doesn't skip beats anymore.
My stomach only handles nothing.
My body feels less and less everyday.
The empty bottles are speaking for themselves.
I don't want to live like this.
I don't want to live at all.

Your call tastes like ***** and abandon houses
Your voice sounds like a dehydrated alcoholic in recovery
You say, "It's okay, nobody has to know"
You say its okay while your words betray the one who wouldn't ever find out.
Your paint yourself 20 different shades of colors that I've never liked.
I put my innocence in focus and sent you vulnerability
You stole my morals and fed my guilt like a church shuns the corrupt.
You stole my name and made it your own

Twelve hours later and I can't look at myself in the mirror
Twelve hours I wait for either a response or for time back
I don't even love you
But I do.
This is the last time I give more than I understand.

There's a part of me that has to push you away.
I'm like a phone that can only dial 911.
This part of me screams at me like the silence at a funeral.
I've sent out many amber alerts to find the part of me that would let you in.
My mom says that I need to follow my heart but I can't look at my heart without covering in bruises because I can't help but blame it for all the scars left from another life.
You said, "You're something else." And thats the problem.
I have a reflection that looks like a mother burying her child.
I have a heart that feels like a birthday spent grieving.
I'm something else..I know.

I can feel the laws from my childhood flee like ***** down the drain
I wanted to open the bottle of my innocence in celebration of how long its lasted
However you drank it as if it was yours to consume
I put my playlist on shuffle but all I hear are songs that remind me of you
You manipulated my voicemail while I counted dates like when they ask for the day of death
I would say, "He is still here
and I know he is still here because he took my name and made it his own.
He claws at my insecurities like a scratch off"
Nowadays when I look in the mirror all I see is all the things you stole from me.
They hang on the wall like a bad family photo.
But where are you?

Tell my sister that I'm sorry.
Tell my other sister I'm sorry she had to be the one to tell my mom, I was afraid she would try to change my mind.
Tell my brother I wasn't bluffing.
Tell them that this was my apology to them.
Tell my grandmother to please open up the gates, I know this isn't how she wanted to see me but this world got too heavy on my shoulders.
Tell her....never mind I'll tell her myself.
Tell the blood to be quick about it.
Tell the pain I said goodbye and tell goodbye I said hello.
Tell depression that it won.
Tell my doctor that the medication didn't work. (It never did)
Tell John, my love, that EVERYTHING has his name on it. Tell him he makes this world spin.
Tell Sara I'm sorry I couldn't be her maid of honor at her wedding.
Tell Lacy she's right, I would do it.
Tell Brandon I imagined it was him pulling the trigger.
Please don't tell my little brother. Please don't tell him unless he asks
Ask my dad that if we make it to the same place if he could maybe talk to me first this time?
Tell my feet stop running.
Tell my body keep the pills down.
Tell Jessica, I know, don't follow me.
Tell my exes to whisper my name...now they know the sound of a dodged bullet.
Tell the ER it looks like temporary. Tell the ER I'm gonna rename it my father's presence.
Tell the nurse don't smile and hold my hand.  For Christ's sake don't look like my mother
Don't tell me I can heal.
Don't lie to me now.
Don't try to give me a reason to stay or something to live for.
Don't name my brother or my two year old cousin's smile.
Don't make me change my mind.
Don't make me want this. Please
Please don't make me want this.

Plea-

Even if its not love, please don't leave me.
We can play pretend.

Selfish.
The only word that could replace my name
Because I’m never happy for anyone.
Yes I might be there for someone when they’re sad but when it comes to someone’s happiness, I don’t care.
And maybe that’s why I’m so angry all the time.
Not because I wish to be as happy as other people
But because when it came to you I wasn’t that person.
I wanted you to be okay. Happy.
I would cross oceans and search atlases to find you when you needed me.
I wanted you to be happy.
Because if you were happy that made problems seem a little lighter. They would be absent, even if it was just for a second.
I even stopped writing because I didn’t remember what it felt like to hurt anymore.
You made me hate that me that never wished anyone the best.
I said I’d always love myself more than anyone. I’d always care about my problems more than anyone else’s.
But I knew you were suffering so I did the unthinkable. I went against my instincts.
I let you go.
Because my selfish, jealous heart only held love for you.
And I needed to see that smile again even if I wasn’t the reason for it.
And I hope you feel free.

Does she even make you feel like an Ed Sheeran song?

No amount of love that you give me will make me love myself and I'm so sorry for that.

I see those flowers sitting on the table. And all your pictures are face down so I don't have to be reminded. I called you and you didn't answer and I know I shouldn't be so surprised but I can't help it. I leave another message in hopes that you'll call me back. And all I know is the story that you left me with.

It all started on a day in October, the day before my birthday. You came up behind me and started playing with my hair. We barely knew each other. But just a few hours later we were on a bus holding hands in complete silence. It was awkward but nice. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt like that. We spent the next few months learning each other's favorite bands and what kind of coffee we liked. I learned that you used to deal with anxiety and you love iron man, and you learned why I'm scared of the dark and why Christmas is my favorite holiday. We let each other in.  

I remember when we were in the car and you were sad so I wrapped my arms around you for the next two hours and we fell asleep and I remember thinking it was alittle backwards but I also thought to myself I didn't know this kind of happiness was even possible and whenever we woke up you smiled and I laughed and it was all great in our little world.

I remember the day we went to the mall and you really wanted to take me to this weird restaurant and I said okay but I forgot my wallet and felt really bad when you handed me your card because you paid for breakfast and I felt like it put me in more debt because I was lucky just to be in the presence of the best person I'd ever met. My world became bearable when it combined with your world.

Now I think about all that we could've been and how easily it could've worked. But now you're there and I'm here and it's really not fair to be in love with you. Distance has really put a strain on our relationship and I see those flowers sitting on the table and I take them. I take them to that stone engraved with your name on it. All I know is that you don't know long distance until you're in love with a boy 6 feet underground.

I remember reading your last letter
You told me your life felt different, you didn't know who you were anymore
You said the clouds didn't remind you of serenity anymore
You said the ocean didn't speak to you the way it used to
You said the coffee was more bitter than it used to be
You said my eyes looked different and you didn't like how that made you feel
You said I took you for granted, which is probably true
But oh God, when you left you took me with you...
I hate looking at myself in the mirror now, because I now see how much uglier I look without your arms around my waist
I hate waking up because it's another day I woke up without waking up to you.
Now all coffee tastes the same. It all tastes like your lips in the morning.
I go to sleep and pray that if there is a God, could (s)he take me to you.

But the truth is that even though you're gone I still feel like you're here.
I drive past our coffee shop and you're there.
I do math homework (your favorite subject) and you're there
I talk to your other friends and you're there.
I saw your mom at the grocery store and oh God there was so much of you in her. (or maybe vice versa)
Honestly I'm falling apart every single day. Every day.

I miss your jokes so much.
I miss how you'd get mad when I asked you to  repeat things.
I miss you making fun of me.

But now these walls are closing me in and I need to get out before I'm stuck in this black hole of my thoughts of you.
Stop suffocating me.
Stay away.
Because every time I hear our song it feels like I lost you again.
And I keep seeing you in my sleep.
This is the last time I will write you.
Let me move on.