I lie awake at night
reliving memories in my brain
I need to get to sleep
but it brings on so much pain
the pain is not physical
all though sometimes I wish it were
because it'd better than the hurting
I constantly have to endure

I will no longer wreak havoc on you

I will no longer let you suffer because I was convinced beauty meant taking up less space

I will no longer let you confuse beauty with being sick and being sick with beauty

I will no longer starve you from not only food but happiness as well

But instead, I give you permission to thrive

I give you permission to take up space because your thoughts will always be more powerful than collarbones and thigh gaps

I give you permission to be authentic and not give a **** what anyone else thinks

I give you permission to truly live

I give you permission to love yourself

staring at my phone
waiting for your name to light the screen up as it always has
but I keep waiting
patiently then not so much
I should accept that you're gone
but easier said than done
when I think of our memories
my heart hurts
being filled with joy
then having it ripped away
smiling at the photos
only to have that smile slowly turn into tears

we talked and talked
talked about our hopes and dreams
our fears too
I never would've thought in that moment
loving you would leave me hurting so much

at the end of the day you only truly have yourself;
love yourself, hold yourself and care for yourself
because there is no certainty that others will

the days you spend

no longer feeling the familiar ache in your chest

noticing how at ease you feel

wondering how long this feeling has been here but you were too unaware to notice

grateful

but confused

is it my time to feel good?

is it my time to bloom and flourish?

you can't help but latch onto the piece of you that wants the illness

but even so

you choose each day to take steps forward so you can ensure that tomorrow

you will wake up

and you will no longer feel the familiar ache in your chest