mania means blackouts.
the violent situation
mania.
all the symptoms were there.
short fuse.
irritability.
full blown,
mania.
all of the time.
mania.
i couldn't sleep.

How are you supposed to eat
When you don't have an appetite
But know you can't
Because it just makes you sick.

Nothing is permanent.
Not here at least.
You all seem temporary.
To me at least.

Everything here lasts.
Everything around me at least.
You all will never leave
My head at least.

anxiety creeping on
anxiety taking over
i'm the youngest in a room
filled with folks i don't know
three old blondes
one middle aged man
i don't belong
just like out there
so how am i supposed to learn
when my stomach is in this churn
like butter i want to be spreadable
anywhere, and in everything
butter is so much smoother than me
for once i'd like to be credible
maybe, one day, incredible.

i want to be angry
so ****** angry
but i’m not sure
if it is at myself
or at your ****** blue eyes.

i just want you.
to the point where
i feel like someone else
will end up here to replace
you and those blue eyes

i just want this.
i want it all to work.
i want it all to be perfect.
when right now.
i’m the farthest from perfection
that i have ever been before

i want to be face down
on a mirrored  table
coke in my nose
and THC in my system
klonopin residued
i was doing better then
than i am doing now

i still like you
i still adore your presence
its so calming
and i wish i wasn’t so ******
or so angsty
it all seems to come out wrong
it makes me feel ******
that you’re this good person
and i’m so stressed out