My mind keeps pictures of you up on its walls
                            again
                         ­         and again
I find my thoughts drifting down that river of memory
orbiting around you, like forces of gravity drawn
to the idea of us (if there even is an us)

If I could then I’d lock you outside my brain, leave you out there to rot
in the abyss, where your words couldn't penetrate me
and your lips that work like anesthesia forbidden to numb me again

I won't do you the injustice of romanticizing your imperfections
You're no nebular, you're a black hole, a gaping flaw in creation
Your eyes that held millenniums of history, now hold me no future

You made me forget what it feels to have stability
To not walk out of a room and forget why I left
You make me want to shred the skin you touched
Like a reptile, to become reborn, purified from my past.

There never were any butterflies in your stomach, only parasites
but you fed them to me readily like a disease

So no, I won’t dedicate you another love poem
                 no I want (deserve) better
This isn't what love should be
I’ll write you a poem where the words convulse on the page
and you’ll forget to read it (you always do)

this thought, the only one,
i let loose tonight -

i want you.

123114
*for j.e.

what i find so
fascinating about you is that
you never seem to start or
end where you are supposed
to. no, you have your own
pauses and stops, and the
more i try to follow
you, the more confused i
get. is there any pattern or
sequence to you that i can
decipher? is there
a glitch in your equation which i
could probably unscramble? believe me. i find
that you are more beautiful in your
insistence not to be understood. i liked that
about you, as that tells me i don’t
have to struggle so hard. but, baby,
i still want to try. let me still
get my paper and pencil out to attempt
to solve you, like that algebraic equation
i can’t seem to ever get right. honey, i am
not giving up on you, the same
way i got headaches over those questions that
tested the logic out of me, eventually leading
me to ask whether i was really intelligent enough to
figure something out. but even then, even when
i am out of my zone and completely
uncertain, i will still follow this
fascination through. who
knows, perhaps, eventually
i will find the right spot, the precise
timing, the exact
variable needed to complete the solution to
us.


for j.e.
*111814

your eyes are poetry.
they reflect
every rhyme,
every metaphor,
every verse
that i cannot
even begin
to write.

for j.e.
*111714

you, to me, are not an option.

you are not one of the many shirts
in my wardrobe.
you are not a favorite pair
amongst my shoe collection.
neither are you a preference,
a comfort food i run to
when i am not feeling well.
you do not belong to a constellation,
where you are but one of the billions
of masses bursting forth light.

no, baby, you are the only choice
i choose to have.

you are that one song i play over and over again,
never tiring of the melody,
always finding something new in the lyrics.
you are the waters i dive into
until my strength is worn out
and i am but flotsam.
you are that puzzle i bring out time and time again,
putting together, scrambling apart.
i know how you look like,
but i always get thrilled at piecing you together anew.

oh, baby, know this:
i am not her.
i am not waiting till no one comes
and everyone’s left
before i attend to you.
i am here,
waiting for you,
choosing you.
just you.

for j.e.
*111614

i picked the scabs off my wounds
and made them bleed anew,
never allowing them to heal so easily.
i watched in amazement as new blood
drips and smears my skin.
i watched abrasions,
particularly the deep ones,
fascinated at how they can hurt.
i loved the pain that comes
with the cut.
i never cried at my gashes.
i still have scars from all the carelessness
of my life,
and i wear them proud,
like a veteran
who survived the war.
i come home to my waiting bed,
my mother’s pillow
my comfort through all the tears,
as i hide the pain in gauze of bravery.
i have been courageous.
i have never chosen my battles,
because i have always believed
that every single one of them is worth the ache.
here i am now, choosing yet again
the ecstasy of pain.
here i am, choosing the beautiful agony
of choosing to love you.

for j.e.
*111614

i have always fancied the decrepit,
the abandoned,
the unsightly,
the imperfect,
the rough,
the dull.
i have always found refuge
in desolate places
and found company
in the derelict.
the unwanted,
the forsaken,
the forlorn,
have always held my interest.

there is something unbelievably beautiful
in sadness
that draws me,
that calls me to it.
perhaps this is the same appeal
that holds me to you.
i look at you
and touch you
and i draw back in pain,
but i desire to embrace you still,
you
and your undesirable past,
your confused present,
and your uncertain future.

i am there
touching every scar
and wanting to peer
through every crack and crevice.
i want every tear
for myself.
i shall keep every drop
in a jar inside my heart
until i, too, overflow
with every ache.

it takes one to know one,
my brother always said.
i guess he’s right.
my own weaknesses,
my blemishes,
my defects
make it easy for me
to look at you
and see that you are one
of incomparable value.

those are battle scars,
i'd always say.
nobody has a right
to disrespect
the wars
others have fought
and the losses
others have suffered.
yours are some
of the most interesting
wounds i've ever seen.

your imperfections are priceless, baby,
and i’d gladly give what’s left unscarred in me
for the benefit
of embracing
all that you are.

for j.e.
*111614

i think we still exist
somewhere in the universe
behind the sun
where all of earth’s abandoned
soulmates go to rest
i think i can see us
when i look up at the sky
and squint directly into
the rays of light,
your brown eyes burning
into mine

i think we are together
in the time that trails behind
the present, dancing
in circles until the last stars
fizzle out

i think that our promises
seeped into the soil, like
february rain, our souls sown
together, tucked in
beneath the world

i think what we had is
somewhere just out of reach,
pulsing in the dim spaces
between heat lightning

and although, in this lifetime,
we became nothing but shadows,
monsters that linger on bedroom walls

we are there, we are alive,
and we are still in love.

there must be an infinite space beside you,
because in my unboundedness,
i found my place at your side.
right there in the crook of your arm,
i fit perfectly,
as if a spoon
that is firmly held in place
at the corner of a bowl,
as if the very hollow
around you
was meant exactly for me.

i never believed in destiny,
for i am a firm advocate
of choice, of free will.
but somehow,
with me snuggled
close to your heart,
i can somehow believe
i am fated to choose you.

they would ask
where my decisiveness comes from,
where my certainty about you
is rooted on,
and i would look up
and ask the stars the same question.

perhaps it’s in the curls of your mane
that i loved to rustle
with my fingers,
or your hands
that can engulf mine so easily,
or your arms
that can envelope my being,
or your eyes
that know what i need,
or your lips
that whisper endearments so sweet.

i really can’t say,
except that i know.
i know in my heart
that i chose you,
that i value the choices i make,
and i value you
as amongst my most prized decisions.

for j.e.
*111114