It felt as though the humidity itself
carried a hint of liquor as we walked
out into the night, wanting only to escape
our lives for a little.
Deep down in Vieux Carre
twisted brass clashed with a piano
running half step from the crowded clubs
on Frenchman Street.
We filled our lungs with the city
and found her to be like certain kinds
of dangerous doses--
intoxicating.

It was our second night
and the more we drank
the more I began to see glimpses
of the specters spoken of by locals.
They linger in my peripheral,
watching me with their sunken eyes.
You could faintly hear them moan,
only in defeated tones
and their collective scowl danced
in the heavy air of summer
as though it were a part from
all that jazz.

In the stranger hours of morn
I was approached by a ghost
a few blocks off Bourbon.
He offered up nothing but his ***** palms
in hopes of some false salvation.
I wrestled a dollar from my pocket
and passed it on to him,
only to watch him fruitlessly grasp at it
before it slide through his ghostly hands
to the floor below.
He looked down at the dollar
all helpless-like and he said
"It’s been slipping through my fingers
like dat for years now
and ain't nobody help’n me."

I walked from him, realizing then
why I had needed this trip,
I needed to remember all the love in my life
because the only difference between
me and the ghosts of N'awlins
was someone cared about me,
and I cared enough about them
not to destroy myself.

011816

Kinausap ko ang Langit
Na buksan ang malaking pintuan
Nang pumagitna Siya sa'ting dal'wa.
Sinalo Niya ang bawat butil ng luha
At ako'y nagkusang mamahinga sa Kanyang piling.

Hinarap ko ang pagkakamali noon,
Nang minsang sadyain kong bitiwan ka rin
Pagkat biglaan din ang pagbitaw mo.
Inanod ako sa Kanyang bisig,
Doon nahilom ang puso't
Ngayong may panibagong katha.

Hindi ko inasahang
Iihipan ito ng Hangin at mapapadpad sayo.
Pero hindi ko magawang magwelga't magrebelde pa,
Pagkat hindi naman ako ganoon.

Siya na rin ang nagkusang tulakin ako
Pagkat kaya Niya sa buhay ko --
Nang tunay ngang lumaya ako.

Sa amin na lamang ng Langit
Ang huling pag-uusap;
Maging ang panggagamay ko
Sa karayom na sobrang sakit.

Panalangin ko pa ri'y ikaw,
Ikaw at ikaw, siyang anurin din ng Langit
Nang bulong Niya'y mapagnilay-nilayan mo.

Ganoon ang pag-ibig Niya..

112415

Siyang tinalikdan ang sarili't
Inagos ng sariling mithiin,
Nagpatangay at yakap ang iilang kalansay,
Maging dibuho ng winaldas na pagkatao.

Doon sa eskinitang hindi na masilayan
At sa mitsa ng pamumukadkad ng bukas,
Siya'y nagmistulang ahas
Nanunuklaw ng estrangherong
Minsan na rin siyang binalasubas.

Hampas lupa --
Walang malalaking pader ang di nagpayanig,
Sablay man ang agos at may iilang nakaligtas,
Wari naman nila'y siya'y magbabalik.
At sa pasunod pang yugto,
Sila'y magsisipang-tampisaw
Sa putik na uhaw sa sansinukob.

I search for You God of strength
I bow to You In my brokenness
And no other king could have so humbly come
To save my soul and heal my heart

I have nothing more
Than all You offer me
There is nothing else
That's of worth to me

And I love You Lord You rescued me
You are all that I want You're all I need

I pray to You God of peace
I rest in You My cares released

In Your freedom I will live, In Your freedom I will live
I offer devotion, I offer devotion

Dear Shyla
I keep the suicide note that you've forgotten you wrote our mother folded up in a small wooden box in the corner of my bedroom
It's there so that on my worst days
When I've run out of friends who will listen
I can remind myself that other people feel this too
And after all we've been through apart sometimes our depressions and our mistakes are the only way I can remember we're related

Dear mom
I've hidden a diary you kept while struggling through your ill-fated relationship with my father
In it there are weight loss goals
Vows of marital celibacy
Existential questions
But mostly just a whole lot of why's leading you to answers you wanted to hear
While all of the things you needed to say you left in the blank spaces between the lines on the pages you never made it to
Your favorite thing to say after the divorce was that you were grateful to no longer have to walk on eggshells to protect his feelings
It has been twelve years and you still can't admit the feelings you were trying to protect were your own
And your feet still hurt

Dad
I have an envelope of pictures of you and I
From when both of us were oh so much younger
In each of them you are smiling at me
And in every one of them I am smiling back at you
I don't remember most of them I was quite very young
And for quite very different reasons I can imagine you would have a hard time remembering them as well
When I flip through the envelope I'm left sitting criss cross applesauce on a tore up linoleum floor
Staring at the scales of justice
Weighing the honest love of a drunk
Against the stoic rejection of the sober man you've become
And I am ashamed with how often I choose love

I am the keeper of this family's pain
Somebody has to
Someone has to admit it's real
One of us has to stare at the elephants in the room and see them
To know how each of us actually feels

Dear family
We are nothing more than four misfitted human beings
Tied together with tin can and twine telephones
By an astronomer, who in an effort to console himself,
Confused a congregation of lonely stars for a constellation
And eventually that is going to have to be enough
For each of us to love ourselves
To carry our own pain
I can not keep carrying all of this for each of you
I have my own pain
Which on most days is more than enough
I assure you
On most days
It is more than one man should

If you must know the truth
There are those just like you
Going through their struggles too

In this you are not alone

In this vast conspiracy
That is life to you and me
Daily knocking to the knees

In this you are not alone

If you find your needing help
With difficulty to work it out
With the cards that you've been dealt

In this you are not alone

Problems that daily confront you
Others have the same ones too
Under the sun there's nothing new

In this you are not alone

You find yourself at the foot of break
More wrongs than rights, mistakes you've made
Where there seems no save in this giveaway

In this you are not alone

You often feel like calling quits
As the world you're in no longer fits
Making no sense in all of it

In this you are not alone

Mark this moment down as truth
No matter what you're going through
You have me beside of you

In this you are not alone

I'm in remission,
That's my condition,
Inside a revolving door.
I'm in,
I'm out,
Now whisper,
Now shout,
But the lip service
Is what I abhor.
If I had cancer,
You'd have your answer,
But addiction's
A revolving war.

Please walk through my fears
with me; I feel alone, and
death is real tonight.