She looked at her blades,
Than looked at her wrist...
She missed that feeling,
But her scars were healing.
She wanted to stay strong,
But i's  been so long...
She put the blade on her wrist,
And than made her hands into a fists...
She dropped the blade,
And began to cry..
She couldn't believe how long it's been,
Since she felt those blades cutting her self.....
She should be so proud,
But voices in her head got so loud...
She sat there in pain,
Because she knew she was  going insane!!!

My heart is made of gold,
But my wings are made of paper,
Soft and delicate and prone to breaking.

in 2012 i experienced an incident with a rifle. my friend spinned it around and hit me in the face. the hit was hard enough to break my nose and make me fly backwards and land on the back of my head.
after that i started having seizures. cluster seizures which mean seizures back to back. they have to be stopped by iv or i can go into status epilepticus meaning continued or back to back seizures that can **** people. there have been several times where my heart has stopped or i stopped breathing from it. its hard to live with. soooo many pills, and doctors, specialists to help diagnose me. just about a month ago i was diagnosed with tbi (traumatic brain injury) before i was diagnosed i was so upset with everything. my health my relationship, my family problems. it just piled up so i decided to numb myself with drugs and alcohol. i no longer can do that because the last time i did i woke up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning. i have right hemisphere disfunction and it effects my motor skills, speech, memory, decision making, confusion, and at this point the doctors say that my memory and confusion is dementia. sometimes i try to tell myself i don't need help, im fine, i don't need anyone, or that the doctors made a mistake. but they didn't and that was proven to me today when i saw my eeg, and mri.  i have built up white matter in my brain. and it only gets worse . i can never regain anything ive lost but i can learn how deal with it and move on from now. i can never be independent in the part of just living alone. i would like to marry the man of my dreams but i don't think i want to put him through all of this. he would have to take care of me when i get sick, and i get sick often due to my weak immune system. one hit in the face and my whole body went out of whack. we also recently discovered that i have a bundle branch block in my heart which means it is a condition in which there's a delay or obstruction along the pathway that electrical impulses travel to make your heart beat. i have a dog that can smell my auras which are mild seizures like warnings that a big one will come. but he can only do so much . squeeze under my head and bark for help.

Where were you when he touched me where he shouldn't have?
Where were you when he bruised me from trying to over power me?
Where were you when he hammered the nail on the wall in my back?
Where were you when he painted my face with disgust?
Where were you when he traced his finger prints on my thigh?
Where were you when I needed someone to burst through that door and help me fight him off?
Where were you when I threw myself on my bed, drowning in my pool of tears?
Where were you to tell me it wasn't my fault he felt the need to violate me?
Where were you when he made me feel like I'm not human,
Like I'm an object.
Where were you when I had to protect myself from someone high on testosterone?
Where were you when I had to protect myself from someone 5 times stronger than me?
Where were you when he made me fear stepping out the house?

Where are you when I lose my breath while passing his house?

Where are you on nights like these?
When I can't sleep because I'm terrified that he can walk in at anytime and finish off what he started.

Its not your fault that what happened, happened.
I'm just here, still devastated,
Asking myself where you were when that ******* explored me.

I wish I could fully express myself in one line.
But I can't, I'm,
discombobulated
and when I think I can get it all together,
I break apart once again.
Who would've thought
that reaching out for happiness,
would turn us mad?