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 May 2018
Cné
Thank you for
reminding me
what an idiot
I be!
 May 2018
Cné
not special or unique
just one of many you seek
The devil's soul searching.... It's always worse at night when I can't sleep.
 May 2018
Cné
i am naked
and been exposed
i deserve it
i suppose
pretending
at mending
a broken-ness
and making
such a mess
of things
among an audience
never once
thinking
of the pain
i'd be bringing
of a secret
i behold
i regret
i never told
the tears
i cry
i, now
disguise
failing
to realize
my character
being
compromised
Do you ever have one of those dreams where you find yourself in public literally naked with failed attempts at hiding? ... Nothing like starting my day with anxiety.
 May 2018
Cné
the Internet
is how we met
it begins all the same
the devil in me is to blame.
again,
I have sinned
but where will it all end?
rhetorical
it may seem
historical
but like a dream
starting out fresh and new
with a flirty how do you do
and **** talk to ensue
but now with another who.
I think I am clever
dancing forever
but the devil
is not careful
with my artist's soul
swallowing me whole
not special or unique
one of many you seek
sneaking in my heart
to tear apart
when will I learn
that hell will burn
my eyes are blue as is my mood
 May 2018
Cné
Skies are gray today
and everything is okay,
come what ******* may.
 May 2018
Cné
And today it rains
still everything is okay.
I’ll weather the storm
 May 2018
Cné
Rise and shine, first thing in the morning walking past the mirror.
Avoiding its reflection, not wanting to see its reflective picture.
Kneeling in the shower, hands pressed tightly to her ribs.  
Who is this frightened child?  Does she even exist?  
She took a step back from the world, no one knew she was alive.  
Now she’s grasping at her life, just trying to survive.
A tainted childhood in shame now fragile bones from self abuse,
don’t blame her though, she was only a child confused.  
How did this happen?  When did this begin?  
She seemed so happy, or was that all pretend?  
She had started at 130, or so,
but felt as if she had lost control.
What happened to this dear sweet innocent child?  
Her idea of beauty and perfection had driven her wild.
Minus 25 later she was so close.  
Almost 100 without any clothes.  
No one would touch her, they thought she would break.  
She told herself she was content with that trade.
I was 18.
~
I’m much better now in my adult discipline
eating healthy 3 meals a day purely for consumption.  
Yesterday, I skipped dinner in lieu of drinking wine.
Today at noon, hovering over my breakfast, I resign
Some days I struggle. Some days I am not fine.
But ...
I will eat my breakfast, lunch and dinner.
And paint my pretty pictures.
This was a therapeutic write.

— The End —