Take me into consideration .
When I leave through that front door.
With the screen cracked and the rolling thunder.
Take me into consideration
When I ask you to love me more.
So when I fall asleep in these moments of you and me.
I can at least not wake up in your nightmares.
Take me into consideration.
When the leaks start to fill in the floorboards .
And my neck aches from the cold sweats.
And my heart drowns from the heat.
Let me know I'm doing something right here.
So I don't leave you behind.
With neglect and piled up confusion.
I just want you to tell me you feel the same.
And that you'll take my feelings into consideration .
Because I'm tired of holding them back for Your sake.

when your hands roam
my  body unwillingly
the first thing the police ask is
“so what were you wearing?”

as if that explains why
someone grabbed me
and dug their fingers into my skin.

as if a woman doesn’t have a right
to wear crop tops and tight jeans
that hug our bodies

my body is no one's prize
but a home where I should
be able to feel comfortable in,

not a home
I grow to hate
yet it seems as if the
world wants me to.

only when it happens do
people say it isn’t okay.
yet there was nothing done
about it.

everyone looks at you
in pity, as you try not to cry,
he said you gave consent,
that's a lie.

as women, we have a voice,
but our society teaches us not to use it.

no one is to blame but ourselves
we are taught to keep quiet, to look
and act as if nothing is wrong.
when there is a whole war going
on inside of us.

do you want to make me feel better?
don’t ask me what I was wearing.
take the man who scarred me,
give me and all the other girls
he assaulted, tainted. justice.

we sure do deserve it.

My life is a mess
I found a pair of scissors
Now my arms are a mess
Everyone think that I'm okay
Truth is that I'm not

I have depression, anxiety and eating disorders
I am a 105 days clean from cutting and chocking
But I still get the urges
Some days the urges aren't bad but other days I'm close to hurting myself

I used to get called an emo or an attention seeker because of my scars
I am paranoid that I have become a disappointment to everyone I know
There is one person who knows what's wrong but she doesn't understand me

I can't live with the mistakes I have made
I don't believe that there is anything or anyone out there for me
People judge me because I'm not skinny
So I restrict to be like everyone else

I self-harmed because it was the only thing that helped me feel alive
I self-harmed to feel pain
I self-harmed to get even with what people have done to me

Self-harm is not just cutting, chocking, scratching or burning
Restricting and purging is self-harm
I'm not clean from self-harm completely
I'm close but to stop restricting and purging is harder then ever

This is me
I don't like me one bit
It's a miracle I have made it this far
I don't expect to be here for much longer

I have a red ribbon.
I like my red ribbon.
It’s tied in knots.
I’ve never been good at making bows.
It’s a nice color red.
It’s a pretty ribbon.

It’s my ribbon.
I don’t want to share my ribbon.
My ribbon keeps me safe.
My ribbon says “no don’t do that today.”
I listen to my ribbon.
My ribbon is hidden.
No one else knows it’s there.
But i know.
And my ribbon knows.
And that’s all who needs to know.

Someone might think it’s weird.
That i have my red ribbon.
And that my red ribbon has me.
But as long as i wear short sleeves no one should see.
My red ribbon goes across my red scars.
But my red scars are not pretty.
Not like my red ribbon.
I’d rather have my pretty red ribbon than my not-so-pretty red scars.

I like looking at my ribbon.
I like admiring it.
My red ribbon is all mine.
And it helps me to be good.
I always make sure my red ribbon is in the right place.
I don’t want anyone to see and take my red ribbon away from me.
My red ribbon and i like each other.
We keep each other semi-sane.

My red ribbon makes me calm.
It squeezes just enough to put my mind at ease,
Without actually hurting me.
It’s like a friendly squeeze.
That says “I’m all you need, and I’m here.”
And it makes me feel safe sane and sound.
Without my red ribbon I’d be lost until it was found.

I like my red ribbon.
My red ribbon looks like a pretty scar.
And it squeezes instead of stinging.
My red ribbon likes me.
I tie it up in cute little knots.
And give it a place to stay.
Instead of being forgotten in the trash.
I need my red ribbon.
My red ribbon needs me.

How very scary it must be
When you become so vulnerable and dependent
On something seamlessly blissful and pure
And life takes it away from you.

What would you do?

i cannot dream
when my thoughts
are stilted

my brain feels tilted
stemming rational thoughts
from flourishing

things around me
seemed blurred

my observances
are skewed

regular rights
are wronged

rational thoughts
confusing

i don't belong

and the comfort i feel
with that agreement
leaves me all the more

befuddled.

August 30th 2017
I woke up missing you today.
I could feel your hand on my hip and your breath on my neck.
I could hear your lullabies of sweet seduction whispering in the background.
I woke up missing the way you made me feel.
Waking up beside you was like waking up in Heaven.
I felt nothing but bliss and all the happiness in the world was held in your eyes.
Those galaxies of wonder.
You held the sun in your smile and I always enjoyed how I could stare at the sun without getting burnt.
But one day came where I got burnt.
I would give anything for just one more day to wake up beside you and for all to be okay.
But alas, your mouth no longer holds the sun, only empty promises.
Your hands haven't touched my body in almost 3 months. I can still feel them as if I was being taunted by a ghost.
But your eyes are still the keeper of the galaxies.
And somewhere out there floating among the stars is my broken heart.
If you find her, treat her well. I don't want her back. She was always yours after all.

August 30th 2017
I woke up missing you today.
I wiped away my tears and just as the sun rose, I let it wash away.
Because the sun is the sun. And you are not the sun.