the marble walls are pressing in
and I can't find my way out
your question left unanswered
there are no clues inside my cage
and I know
that if I can't fit in this tomb
that if I don't adapt
            (to whatever
             I'm suposed
             to adapt to)
I'll asphixiate

Don't repeat your old mistakes..Analyse and learn from them but at the same don't be afraid to make new ones.

***
a word so bad
it didn’t even need
four letters

they told us
to wait for
our future husbands
to treat the boys we
dated as if they
belonged to someone else

that if we wouldn’t do it
with our parents in the room
it wasn’t okay
to do at all

that there was
some kind of higher
spirituality achieved
by celibates and singles
but of course that
couldn’t be for everyone
(as if needing human
companionship made you weak)

******* would send
you to hell and
of course the gays were
already there

that our virginity was the most
important part of ourselves
and losing it before due time
was the worst thing we could do
but all would be better
if we said we were sorry
swore never
to do it again

there were contracts
pledges, oaths
and jewelry
if you didn’t have
a ring you weren’t
doing it right

purity
virginity
words thrown around like
hand grenades into foxholes
as insurance policy against
pregnancy and stds

a barrage against the
onslaught of our culture
morality reduced to making
guys and girls sit on
different sides of the room
and debates in the mirror
over the length of skirts
and scoop of necklines

for something we weren’t
supposed to do
they sure made us think
about it an awful lot

meanwhile
back home in our own
bedrooms all the songs
on our radios and
the movies on our tvs
told us a very different story

somewhere along the line
i got so confused i
convinced myself i never
wanted *** at all
when i finally felt
desire stirring
in the pit of my stomach
it was terrifying

i thought since i
had never felt it
that made me immune
but it really just made me
in deep
deep denial

a denial that persisted
through late evenings
of exploring another
person’s body
learning to trust someone
with my own

they told us until we said
i do
there was no reason
to believe anything would last

and some nights i can’t sleep
with worrying about
some inevitable burning and
collapse of the building called us

i feel my parents’ gazes boring
right through my chest and
hope they never find out
what i’ve been doing

turtlenecks to cover the stain
of love notes on my neck
having something on
my body to hide
takes me back to being fifteen
and the judgement of strangers
a dead weight in my stomach
and sweaters past my palms

but the feeling of your lips
and hands and breath
in my ear and for a few minutes
i don’t care that tomorrow
i’ll be trying to forget
that i’m not as pure
as they once told me
i would stay

but i am no longer
in denial
only suffocating
in guilt

I saw fires fall
But it was only words
I felt the earth shake
But it was only fear
I heard trumpets blast
But it was just the wind
And in that wind
There was a calming voice
One like a clear sky
Reflected in still waters

The voice spoke
And I said nothing
For in its tone I heard
That it already knew me
My hopes and fears
All of my weaknesses
I could do nothing
But shed a tear

When the voice had spoken its last
Neither it nor I
Were anymore to be found

The surface only vapors
Of a stirring ocean below
Long sterile and dark
It conceals vague shadows
Obscure shapes and forms
That are not meant to be
There is no sun
The world is darkness
An unending sea of chaos

A Spirit hovers over the waters

To speak is to order
To bring out of chaos
The form that should be
To bring structure
Out of the smoke of unconsciousness
This order is speech
The very Word we know called truth
It cannot be destroyed
Only hidden and feared
For it has always been
In the very beginning was the Word
The Word was with God
And the Word was God
There is one Word
As there is one truth
For they are the same
The Man Christ Jesus
The very Son of God