bleary eyed and weary *****
tendons creak and muscles groan
stomach grumbles and lungs lament
every shred of will is rent

dreams are beating down the door
face keeps falling towards the floor
the war against the night is lost
the darkness comes despite cost

Look,
I don't know what it's like
I don't know how you feel
But I want you to know
I'll always be here

I care too much
To feel ok
With the look in your eyes
Bringing down my day

Listen to me:
You are important
You are too precious to lose
You are worth too much
To end your life so soon

I'll do what it takes
To help you out
I'll skip school for you
Without a doubt

Even though we aren't  as close
As I'd like us to be
You still mean everything in the galaxy
To me

Listen to me:
You are needed
You are special
You can't end your life
Because you are essential

I'll bake you brownies
Or even buy you ****
I'll do whatever it takes
Whatever you need

You can talk to me
I'll listen any time
I'll listen all night
Just to make sure you're fine

Listen to me:
You have all your friends
All your family too
Remember we'll sob forever
If we lose you

You'll be forgiven
Of course you will
But we'll never forgive ourselves
For not being there

Everything will change
If you say your final goodbye
Our lives won't be ok
We'll cry and we'll cry

Once more just listen to me:
Don't **** yourself
You are not alone
We all want you here
Don't make us burry you under stone.

The smell of the turf on a warm September night
The roar of the crowd as the team scores another touchdown
It doesn’t matter; we don’t even react
For our purpose here is something entirely different

The buzzer sounds to end the first half
We take the field, excited and numb from nerves
Our hearts are pounding, the drums are beating
Our feet move mechanically to the beat

Quarter notes and half notes practiced for many long hours
Finally the reward sending chills through our bodies
Our feet stop; our horns come down
We smile at a job well done

Most people don’t notice us
They are so wrapped up in their technology
If they would only take 5 minutes and escape
Into a world of beauty and passion

This is marching band

Sometimes I feel trapped in this life.
I feel trapped in this body and this mind
and I don't know how anyone can go feeling like this
How can anyone be expected to on like this?
I understand school is important but then again there is that huge
difference between a healthy amount of challenge in order to succeed
and then being so stressed about school that you break down and cry

Thirty thousand dollars.
That is how much a decent education will cost me.
Thirty thousand a year.
Thirty thousand that should go towards my family's debt right now but will only add to it in 2 years time.

"Why are these kids so lazy? Why don't they get degrees? Maybe then they wouldn't be so **** broke."

Well hey, the money we're hoping to make with our degrees means nothing when we're spending the first 10 'legal' years of our lives working to keep afloat,
keep the IRS from breathing down our necks,
keep pulling together just enough to not quite make rent yet again.

"Get a job. That's what I did growing up. You're just making excuses."

Yeah, and when you were growing up Yale's tuition was 5k and flipping burgers made enough to feed a family.

Brick by brick our fates are sealed,

Brick by brick we were set up for financial disrepair.

"Don't forget about FAFSA", right?
But of course, if you have an income, it's all going towards college, right?
Or if you don't, your middle class parents can afford to pay for you to go, right?

They don't need to give us a ton of help - rent is a luxury, remember?

Money is a luxury, remember?

Living is a luxury, remember?

it's okay
even though you feel like the bones in your hands are breaking from holding onto everything for so long
and your head is aching from being wrapped around the things it shouldn't have to understand
it's normal
and don't worry about the bags under your eyes or how your ribs have been showing through your shirt
that's just a part of being a teen
your sleeping schedule doesn't matter as long as your school calendar is full
and who cares if you can't find it in you to smile, there's plenty of time for that after college
you'll be fine
and don't pay attention to that heart problem you've been having, you can't afford to miss first period again
how would it look if you failed comp 1?
don't forget to volunteer, but make sure you do your homework
give your all in class, give your all to your coach, give your all to your family, give your all to God, give your all to yourself
spread yourself out as far as possible, but make sure to hold everything in
you'll figure it out
because it's normal and okay and fine to **** yourself while setting yourself up for life
don't think about it too much
it's not that hard
just let go
but hold on
and change the world, but don't get too ahead of yourself
make the team, make the grades, make up work, make friends, make your life
but break yourself in the process

I know exactly how it feels
trust me on this one when I say,
I know how long the wait is
waiting for everyone to go to sleep
waiting to be alone
so you can fall apart and
put down the fake smile
let the tears stream down your face
I know how that pain feels
knowing that it’s all your own fault
I know how it feels
to be tired all the time
the endless tiredness
no amount of sleep is enough
I know how it feels
to keep lying and trying
I know how tiring it gets
and how tiring it is to keep
breathing

*(s.m)

I’m sorry for waisting your time
rambling on talking about all
and nothing just hoping that
you will catch the hints and
my shaky hands and the
blur in eyes
but you didn’t and i don’t
know how to talk and how
to cry
what do I need to do for
you to realize that all day
and everyday i’m in pain
i’m fighting everyday to
keep my head held up
when you will you see
that i’m in pain

*(s.m)

My chest is caving in
And my arteries are clogged with
McDonalds filth.
And honestly,
Nothing makes sense
Anymore.
I have a lot on my mind,
And blood on my hands.
I'm not even sure
What I'm fighting for.
Girls want guys and
Guys want girls and
All I want to do is to
Stop wanting to hurl my
Homework at the wall in
Hopes of not being so
Stressed every single day of my life.

If Education nowadays didn't equal death then
Maybe I'd be more pro-school and less
Pro-meds.

Great Expectations


The moment after you were born
(which apparently was a great miracle)
they slapped your ***
took your footprints
wrote your name on an official certificate
wrapped you up and sent you home.
The doctors said you were healthy:
your parents said you were better than that.

And from then on you were to be exactly that.
Excellent in every way.
Tall.
Charming.
Wide-eyed.
Witty.
Strong.
Unbreakable.
A statue will be made of you.

Affectionately inscribed to
shine in the sun,
you've no need to know the darkness:
only the weak waste their breath
reveling in the moon,
howling the night away.

Great care was put into raising you.
You are not to take it for granted.
Do you not know how high
your parents had to fling you
for you to hit that pedestal so monolithic?

Expecting you to fly
without asking if you feared heights
or sought the soft grass instead.

Expecting you to eclipse the Sun
oh, so long you stared into it
asking how to fly so high
sun in your eyes
darkness burning in.

Expecting you to See the World
in all it's brilliant beauty
with those eclipses in your skull
with the abyss open eyes.

Given a pen to write great words
but I guess they never noticed
it had no ink.

Big bulging eyes expected to see everything.
Eyes taught to see the flaws in everything
eyes with nothing better to look at
but televisions and mirrors.

The bathroom mirror where you first realized
that you weren't good enough.
Hours spent staring at some ugly stranger
too proud for friends
too quiet for fame
too tired for talent.

A living collaboration of flaws
held together by bits of pasty skin
broken bones
and dark eye circles
by all the times you were called a failure
or all the times they said "you did your best"
but you called yourself a failure anyways.

Eyes like mirrors seeing eyes and windows
and eyes and glass barriers.
All those eyes swirling around you
seeing what they want to see,
you can only hope they don't see too much.
At least you've grown cynical enough
to know they're not looking for much to begin with
but even still your stomach grows weary.

Here you soar at the prime of your youth
surrounded by mirrors
eyes full of fluorescent lighting.
sleepy and stumbling.
Confused as to how anyone could
think of you as special and grand.
Confused at how everyone else is so much better
at simply living their lives.
Like they really didn't know that Life was
the hardest thing there ever is.

Words fallen upon distracted ears.

Eyes that are full of Life
but only the brighter half of it.
Eyes as windows staring at screens
texting all the silence away.
Eyes that are lost in Life
loving and living
taking every step forward
without feeling the weight to ask why.

Oh, and here you are,
sitting, perched on a street bench
watching the passer-bys go about their day.

Looking at those strange eyes
trying to see what they see.
Trying to see how anyone could fail to notice
that sad statue staring there.

All those times you watched
the ones you loved
stand in inconsolable silence
but if only you knew what to say...

...
Nights quiet

the sheen of the abyss reflecting their
sorrows back at them.

You found shelter in the darkest corner of existence
still expected to converse happily
still expected to live with a smile
still expected to hide your unfortunate understanding
of the way things really work
the lead role in the tragiccomedy of your own life
set on the absurd stage of our own gravity.

The gravity that is every day of your life
the aching in your bones as the alarm goes off
the stagger in your step as you stumble forward
the tears at night as you have to do it all over again.
The only thing temporary are those
crashing moments of happiness
that shine bright
but disappear with the thunder.

You're expected for great love
but you never expected the way your heart pounds
and your stomach turns
when you fight back the tears
standing naked there with your darkness hanging out.
Staring into a devastated face
seeing in perfect form a heart you've shattered.

It's like they don't know just how burdensome
these great expectations are.

But perhaps -- most importantly --
they don't understand
the beauty of a sunrise after a sleepless, crying night
or the gratitude felt from finding a legitimate hand to hold.

You are expected for great things,
but then again,
everyone thinks they are.
But you,
but me,
but all the rest of the people like us.
Let us leave this place
with the preoccupations and the pedestals.

Our bodies torn and torn again
worn down and weary but somehow
still stepping
strengthened by the expectations
we exchanged
for a peaceful sunset
and a good night's sleep.

For that little light
that we forgot shone
in these tired, confused, marvelous eyes.