I've been circling around and searching my head all night in such a loving unconscious state,
And what a thought it was when I remembered you again.
And your ghost in my body, I felt you like February wind in the back of my throat,
You hit my chest with your fighting fists,
As if to start my heart, already beating out of my chest.

God, I missed your voice and the way your face lit up like a full moon in the summer night sky.  
What a mess you had made me for those few weeks after,
What a mess,
What a mess,
At least I moved on fast.
I don't  want to think about it anymore,
I don't want to think about what could have been,
What could have still lived,
What we could still be,
And I don't know why you're still haunting me on a Monday  night,
I need to get some sleep.
But you're still my everything in my dreams,
Begging, "Please, please, be with me."

and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it

Taking necessities from many
to provide
luxuries
for the few

you never feel like today. created of the new earth
you were pieced together with tortures of a past.
filaments of skin exhuming every shade of green. 
ambushed in the now while holding forever
in your tenuous arms. and i am flowing
as a never ending evolution. surrounding each
first and last breath with intimate accuracy.
forcing rebirth of weakest branch and noble foliage.

i am river. you are tree.

the shore i lean on for necessary relief. you
provide my nurturing soul with a deserving thirst.
as you navigate all the liquid aqua curves. absorb
immeasurable depth inside the infinite sadness.
every shade of blue peeled off. layers upon layers 
of yesterdays crashing onto cave walls.
exposing inscribed hidden epitaphs of men, of warriors even.
of spears that entered with absolute intent.

i am ocean. and you, you are everything else.

The house I have built within myself for you
is not an empty nest
It's cupped palms that hold water just fine
a cool, stone cage for a hummingbird
the door is open
I am waiting for the right moment to fly

dear friend do not loose hope
someday the shards of broken pieces
will be lifted out and placed
to create something new
a beautiful tapestry of color
and life lived through pain
to create a beautiful
mosaic

I felt broken today
I felt as if everyone who looked at me saw how torn I was
As if they were counting how many pieces of him were stuck in my skin like broken glass
Little bits and pieces stuck everywhere he ever touched me
How can they possibly count them all

Metal, glass, glitter,

all shimmer, so sparkly!

What was I doing?

You 'are' beautiful!

Let no one convince you
otherwise.

Not even you.

~~~