Didn't see it coming,

Struck down to the floor,

But in life you keep on going,

And coming back for more.

it's been two years since i died.
730 days since i took my own life.
and i never fell in love.
i was never kissed under the stars,
never found the place that was ours.
i never travelled to that far away paradise,
or fell asleep in his arms.
i never met her,
never saw her smile,
never made love,
never read all those books.
i didn't get my grades,
never went to festivals,
never drank too much,
never felt that pang of loss.
there is so much i never experienced.
i wish i never swallowed those pills.

I think it's stupid
How I refuse to use straws
Because of a video I watched one time
Of one stuck in a sea turtle's nostril.

Or how there is really only the illusion of choice
And statistics from unreliable resources
Making us feel better or worse
About our decisions.

I tell myself to quit sugar
But honestly I just like my lattes
Sickeningly
Sweet
Like the love stories I thought could be under nooks
Around the corners
Of everyday life.

I like ice cream on winter days
Hot tea in the suns of summer
A walking talking irony

A bulb on its way to burning out
Sputtering in the half-eaten room
No one wants to go in to change it.

It's not my fault
The walls dissolve
And that same chord is continually played on the piano
In the corner of the upstairs closet.

It's not my fault
Cameras don’t bring me security
But sensitivity to my own identity.
Dissolution into absolution
Abolishment of egocentrism

And always,
The illusion of choice
Hanging in the rafters chattering.

Last night I had a dream
That I was
F
A
   L
    L
     I
     N
      G.

I wasn't falling down,
Nor falling in love,

I fell  a p  a   r    t.

It started slowly at first,
A single thread that fell out of place,
But then each strand expanded,
From inches to infinity,
Revealing flesh,
Bone
And the unwanted parts in-between.

Like Time and Space
I continued,
Relentlessly uncurling
Until I was nothing more
Than a tightwire
That even my heart
Could never walk.

Sa unang pagkakataon,
Inabangan ko ang pagsikat ng araw
Pinili kong hindi matulog,
Kasi mas madaling magising hanggang umaga kaysa sa bumangon ng maaga

Naging isang malaking kanbas ang langit
Nagsimula sa unti-unting pagkawala ng buwan at mga bituin,
Naging asul, nadagdagan ng kahel,
Nagkatabi
Unti-unting naghalo

Sumilip ang araw,
Inabot ang kanyang sinag sa mga matang malalim at nag-antay
Unti-unti, at sa tamang oras sinakop at niliwanagan ang langit.

Narinig ang mga busina ng mga bus,
Ang tren na para ng tilaok ng manok sa umaga sa aking mga tainga,

Nakita kita,
Sa pag unat mo,
Sa pagbukas ng iyong mga matang hindi nag-antay,
at sa pagpikit nila muli dahil alam **** hindi mo kailangan bumangon ng maaga

Narinig kita,
Ang hilik na pilit **** itinatanggi,
Ang mga unang salitang binabanggit ng isip mo,
Ang pag-sabi mo sa kanya ng mga salitang ako dapat ang makakarinig tuwing pag-gising,
Magandang umaga, mahal kita

Sa unang pagkakataon,
Inantay kita,
Pinili kong hindi magmadali,
Kasi mas madaling abangan ang tamang oras kaysa sa habulin ito,

Mahal,
Sinta,
Ikaw ang sining na nagbibigay dahilan kung bakit ako yung kanbas na kinalimutan **** pinturahan,
Nagsimula sa unti-unting pagkawala ko,
Naging masaya ka, nakalimot ka,
Lumipas ang ilang taon,
Unti-unti akong 'di hamak naging pangalan at alaala na lamang sa'yo

Sumulyap ako sa huling pagkakataon,
Inabot ang aking mga kamay sa'yo, sa nakalimot at nagmahal ng iba
Unti-unti akong naging alaalang nawalan ng pangalan.

Mas madali mag-antay ng pagsikat ng araw kaysa sa kalimutan ka.
Pagka't ikaw ang unang simoy ng hangin na malalanghap sa umaga,
ikaw ang sinag ng araw na unang nakikita ng mga mata ko,
ikaw ang umaga ko.

Ikaw ang unang umagang hinintay ko.

This person
Is the Gestalt consciousness
Of beings both infinitely wise and foolish
Entities of absolute good and evil
Who, when encouraged to do so
Summon phonetical hymns
To invoke emotion in pure song
These individual constructs
While impressive in their solitude
Fail in comparison to their unity
Each a wildcard
That, when played
Become a wildfire of truth.