I.
communicating through the nebula
an invitation to drink ***** and knit
meditation surrounded you
my jaw dropped when your satchel did
II.
sweat drips from a broken refrigerator
my mouth forms the shape of your name and flows out
rings through our noses
sternums touching
your lover didn't like that I bit your lip
III.
after hours slithering sessions
a body built by god covered with satin and oils from the cosmos
in those futile moments you were a mistake worth making
IV.
protecting my heart like bird and her young
reaching out to me with clasping hands
rocking you to sleep
"don't be afraid to cry in front of me" I said as shimmering oceans expelled from your wooden pupils
V.
These were the good times we have to remember

i know now why i'm up this early
i'm starting to forget the names of your family members
what were they?
i see four faces along with yours
but letters begin to fade
i can't tell if this is a step forward or back

two octobers ago seems like two months ago
a broken nose to match my heart
running through a sea of people trying to find you
you must've been hiding

do you ever think of me?
i can still hear your voice ringing through my head like church bells
the taste of you still sits on my tongue and refuses to wash away
i don't like it anymore

my hurt turned to anger
my anger to sadness
my sadness to guilt
my guilt to acceptance
and now i suppose
acceptance to disappearance

you still exist in my early morning thoughts before I've left my bed
in the middle of the night when i wake up saying your name, which i have over and over and found myself panicked screaming a year after you left

how has two years flown by and you still weigh something?

i want tea and toast with jam
i want a warm body wrapped around me like a sweater
i want a full pipe and stomach
i want the sun to stay nestled behind the clouds
i want to sleep and not worry about seeing your face in my dreams
i want to wake up to a text from a lover
i want my heart to stop aching for people i can't have
i want the nausea to cease
i want to wake up feeling healthy
i want the moon in my bed

the reason why i'm up
couldn't tell you
maybe it was the endless hours of you clomping around my brain
during the hours i need rest from your tyrannical hold on my heart
god
i can't help wondering where you are
and who is keeping you warm this season
do your fingers catch on fire when you touch them?
the way they would with me, or at least that was what you told me
another lie to add to that list of nothings i thought were somethings
do you dream about me?
i do hope that at least they give you space
because i sure couldn't
i'm a criminal for loving you
you handcuffed me to the wall because you want me to look but not touch
feel but not expel
i'm letting you win
the pieces are getting too heavy and my arms are getting tired

quantum intimacy was always my breakfast
only now do I understand
many masks all unique in texture and shape
when we're young we learn how to play on swings
as adults
we all know the up swing
only the lucky ones can pump us back and forth
up down
up down
up down
(god that sounds familiar)
(like a cheap wire spring mattress on a tuesday night when you promise I'm the only one and my body melts in your palm)
cards are kept at the holders eye
you never let me know whats up your sleeve
so why should I show you the gold I have hidden?

something about the cold drew me to you
the temperature of your bedroom kept me there
"i always liked the cold" you'd say
i wondered why
now I know it's because you craved inseparable proximity
you required love that i couldn't give, though i wanted to so desperately

you turned me into ice
because as soon as you made me melt
i cracked
and ran

she creates moments in her head
a rush of panic
heart pounds so hard
oxygen faults
where is it?
um
um
oh
wait
****
fists clench and quads ache
i do this to myself
to stay alive?
no
I don't know