i can’t remember the sound
of his voice when he
told me to stop crying.
i know it was angry
but i can no longer hear
the inflection that made my heart
drop, my pulse speed up
because in that moment
he was my father.
in that moment i was scared
and shrunk away from him,
but his arm acted as an apology
around my shaking shoulders.
my dad never apologizes
after he makes me cry.
He stayed up with me that night
and i cried in his arms until six am.
the pack of cigarettes we had been sharing
was gone by sunrise.
i no longer remember how
that display of love made me feel wanted
because now i am left with a benzo haze
over the fulfilling moments, and a
clear recollection of the times i was hurt.
but i cut our cord and buried it in the sand
and i no longer feel the burden of love.
i no longer feel the burden of loving
and am back to shake alone at the thought
of my dad raising his voice.

I am the bookshelf, and she is the books.
So many interesting stories inside of her.
I watch you every single day, scoop up a new book,
and leave my shelves more empty than before.

As the books leave my shelves, I imagine all the places you take them.
Coffee shops, with comfy lounge chairs and the constant reassurance from the espresso beans.
Parks, with a nice breeze and picnic to compliment the sweet words that pour into your mind.
Home, where you gush about how wonderful your newest story is, and bring her safely to the solitude of your bedroom.

But I am the bookshelf, and I will provide a sturdy environment,
I am strong and I've held myself together for so long.
I listen, I watch, and I wait for you every single day,
and will continue to do so until my shelves can't bear it anymore.

I don't want to talk
I don't want to think
I don't want to feel this pain
I'd rather stay asleep
But unfortunately for me
I can't ever escape you
not while I'm awake
and not while I dream.
You said you saw me for me
and you'd fight by my side
conquer the darkness within
and the demons in my mind
You said that in the end
it'd be you and me
so I didn't even expect
that you would suddenly leave.
There's a constant loop
that's playing in my head
"You are unworthy of love
You will never be enough"
I try to block it out
but it just won't shut up.
You took off with my heart
and I can't get it back
I don't deserve to be loved.
You taught me that.

I wanted
someone
that wouldn't
be afraid

of me.

I spent
twenty-one
years
doubting
that person
could ever
exist.

For humans
are far too shallow
and our
complications
are

way too deep

but I honestly believe
we should not have to
be alone.

I believe in independence.
I believe in self-reliance
and I believe in self-respect.

But I also believe that
humans can connect
on a far deeper level
than just what we see.

I believe there is a time
and place
for everything
and that includes
the moments

we fall in love.

You see,
there will be days
that you fill
empty
and lonely
but you have
to be there for yourself.

No one is going to give you
a handout
unless you show them
you are going to
make it count.

No one is going to
rely on someone
that cannot
rely on them self.

Co dependence can be
beautiful
but nevertheless-
it is filled with
even more grief.

You cannot fix somebody else
when you are still
practicing
the craft
of self-love.

Allow your lows
to be reminders
that you
can lose
and smile
knowing
that you can
bounce back,
too.

There is nothing
graceful
in struggling
but there is
something
glorious
in the

overcoming

and believe me-
you will find a way
to live through it all.

And then
some day
somebody,
somewhere
is going to
admire
the way
you refuse
to fall.

And you will wonder
how you ever
let the world
make you feel

so small.

-Andrew Durst.