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Carolyn Jul 2014
Glub **** **** glub
glub thumb,
Breathing is quick
**** Glub
Smile
**** Glug
Look away
Then look back
A subtle smirk
**** glub
glug thumb
Goes my beating heart
Carolyn Jul 2014
STOP:
As you sit here beatin the back of my chair.
Screaming that you have no control,
Screaming about the monsters that you fight.
Day in and day out.
How nobody understands,
Because you’re unique.

Do you really think that?
Can you really believe that?

you say I don’t understand!
You act as if I’ve never felt that way
When you don’t know my story.
You discount my advice for the advice
that you want to hear.

“Just sleep, play games, it will help you be calm”

They never tell you the effect
They never tell you what to do after that
then you get stuck in a cycle.
A cycle of stress, then you sit there,
unproductive
which leads to stress again.

I say you have control
but you refuse to accept it,
because if you did,
If you accepted that you have control
You would have to work.

You would have to try!
make an effort
Do the the things to win!

If you accepted responsibility
You would have to face the consequences.
accept the fact that you were wrong.
admit to what you’ve done

But that,
That dear friend
would be to much to handle

Much, Much too stressful
for your little brain.

The monster inside of you:
The one you claim controls you.
The one you let control you!

Let it go.
Grow up!
Grow up and take control

Force it out,
and don’t let it come back.

You say you have no choice
But gun to your head,
You make the decision

Thats why we have martyrs
They didn’t give up their
trust in God.
Or their trust in whatever higher power or
Cause that they stood for!

YOU make the rules in your life!
YOU Control you and if you pawn it off on somebody else
You lose it!
You lose it and you lose me!

As you sit there beating on the back of my chair
I think these thoughts

Those people that say they want to get better
and do none of the work
They claim to be sorry
but make no change

They claim to love but
do no good
They claim to feel
but shed no tears

They promise
but take no action

As you sit here screaming at me,
Telling me that I’m wrong
Because I don’t know your battle
Because I don’t know your story

Because in reality;
You don’t care,
and as long as you take no action
you never will.

Gun to your head,
you make the choice.
You know your actions
blaming them on a disease
or diagnosis!

You,
You poor unfortunate child!
Yes, you are a child
You are meant to grow up
yet you stay a kid

You don’t know how to respond
HOw to take it!

As you sit here screaming obscenities at my back,
beating my chair
I think these thoughts.

I must ignore,
I cannot win.
He is on his own now.
I guess I’m done
now, you can stop
Its really long and more like a spoken word kinda thing but it's some of my better work
Carolyn Jul 2014
Fact, Even though I met the love of my life and plan on marrying him I dont believe anybody will ever love me

Fact: I dont believe im worth having anything that I want

Fact: I believe that I am a burden on my family becuase I require so much help just to get through the day. I’m not disabled, just crazy.

Fact:I cant be left home alone because when I was 14 I tried to **** myself

Fact: When I was 13 I met a guy that I met online becaues I wanted to get kidnapped and murdered.

Fact:Ive never been ***** but sometimes I wish I had been

Fact: From the time I was 13 to the time I was almost 15 my best friends dad tried to convince me to fall in love with him. He was 50 something. Sometimes I regret not taking him up on his offer.

Fact: I wake up some mornings and all i want is for somebody to beat the **** out of me because I dont want to be alive anymore

Fact: I want to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you, but im afraid that youll realize how ******* up i am and leave me.

Fact: Im so terrified of being alone that I push away the people i love so I can say it was my choice

Fact :I just wish I could be trusted enough to stay home alone for 24 hours. Or get a job. or drive a car. but I know Im not worth the trouble

Fact: I wish my mom knew  that when I said “I understand…” I really meant I understand but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Fact: i believe
I am a worthless human being.
I dont deserve to have anything i want and
you finally made me believe that I might not be.
fact: I cant stand the thought of loosing you.

Fact: I really Really like ***, and all of you guys out there that think you can take advantage of me, believe me, I wont be the one getting hurt.

Fact: I hate the word beautiful when it is used to describe me.
Fact:I may have sent the love of my life to prison because he was too old for me

Fact: as I sit and write this out I realized something.
these were once my secrets,
these 15 one liners that I am different now.
Dont get me wrong,
I still really like ***,
And I still feel worthless sometimes
but now,
I know something about myself.
I know that I matter.

Fact: I know I am ******* Beautiful
Fact: I know I mean something
Fact: I want to be alive
Fact: I am greatful to have lived the life that I have, because I know I could have been born to an abusive father and a hateful mother that sent me to the streets so they could shoot up
Fact: Instead of the previous senario I was born to a succesful and loveing mother and a brilliant and caring father. I was born into a family where I will be the 5 generation female to go to college.
Fact: I am loved.
Fact: I love
Fact: I am capable of emotions other than saddness and anger and fear.
Fact: I know who I am, as well as a 16 year old can.
Carolyn Jul 2014
my eyes are not windows to my soul
they are a mirror of yours
not because I want you to love me for someone im not
but because I dont trust you,
or anyone,
to see through.

To see through the tangled web of lies, fear, lonelyness
self hatered and pitty
I don’t want, anybody to see through that.
For somebody to love me after all of that,
well, they must be just as,
well as aweful as me.

I love you because I can see all of you.
I love you because you are scared.
I love you because you know just what to say even when I don’t want to hear it.

I haven’t let you see in yet, but im working on it.
every day I think about losing you,
because Im too afraid to let you love me
so every time we talk,
i tell you a pice of my story.

My eyes are not vindows to my soul
they are a mirror of his, of hers of thiers
Slowly, my mirror is reflecting back on me
showing me that im not as aweful as I feel.

Im also not as great as you say.

But im getting htere

Every time you call me georgous
everytime you remember my favorite song
or word
or color
you remember everything ive ever told you,
even the lies.

Now, you’ve seen it all.
You’ve seen me at my darkest moments,
youve seen me at my lowes points.
You still love me.

My eyes are not a mirror of your soul anymore.
they are windows into mine.

— The End —