When I say goodbye to love.

I can see the sun
I can't feel it on my face
And my womb is cracking
Can't even keep it together on the outside
I'm not keeping it together on the outside.

Hopes and aspirations run dry
Sitting in the dark away from the light
Heads roll, fingers bleed, bodies slam
But nothing ever ******* changes.

You'd have to be alive
For blood to flow.
I'm cold.

Breaking shells
Alone in the light
Breaking shells
No end is in sight

I just want to go home.

There are hearts of gilt,
And there are hearts of sin
There are hearts that lose,
And there are hearts that win.
There are hearts of stone.

But if my heart was anything,
It'd be a cactus.

Prickly and unwelcoming with tight alien-green skin,
That never fails to swell to accommodate whatever grew inside unseen.
With love it'd bulge,
And it'd shrink in the absence of love.

(But with the right care it could bloom the most spectacular flowers.)

There are strong hearts,
But even strong hearts give in.
My heart is a cactus heart,
My heart could keep it all in.

Talking to you is God's gift
Because if I thought I had feelings I know now for sure
And when you say
You gotta go home
I hate it.

Because I don't like being alone
The music grows quiet and the food gets cold
And the night has nothing to hide anymore.
You were the reason I stayed up to see the moon.

Talk to you later, see you soon, say goodnight
But this time
I can't say goodbye.

I'm not sure why.

For Christmas
I would like a terrarium
So that in a small space where there is little to breathe and most die slowly and in pain
I shall make something beautiful contained within itself
And it shall never need to meet the outside world.

Nice to meet you
I think I've seen
You roaming the halls
Chewing your thumb
And muttering some Pink Floyd song

Nice to meet you
I think I've seen
You roaming the halls
Chewing your thumb
And muttering some Pink Floyd song

When Dante saw Beatrice,
Shakespeare did weep.
Rosaline and Romeo,
Paris and Juliet.

So tell me, what is supposed,
Of the other girl?
The girl who is not loved,
But loves alone?

The girl who takes multiple journeys along multiple roads,
But keeps ending up at cul de sacs?

She is not Beatrice,
She is not Rosaline,
And she is not Juliet.

I hope she is alright,
I hope she is alright.

One day,
I find myself
Stroking my hair.
My fingers place between three ribs,
Of my best asset.

I look down at them,
Fine and fierce and fearless.

Three ribs,
Barely cut,
And it hangs off the cage of my head.
I place my hands on either side of my head,
Trying to steady the shaking, malformed,
Ball of meat inside.

I know I'm crazy
Sad girl, mad girl,
But I need to find myself.

The scissors of my hands slice
The three ribs
Off,
They curl in brown and blonde tips.
They tangle, contort, into senseless shapes and letters,
And fall in hand.

I can feel it
When the only place I seem to exist is in my head,
It's my hair,
That lets me know I'm real.

Love,
Has made me shameless.
I see your face, your car, your dog,
Pointless things that I attribute to you,
But I don't see them,
Not really.

And so I am here,
In the dark, lit up by the blue
Of Facebook on my computer screen.
I hold no shame,
For I am desperate for a sample of you.
I am hungry for you.

This sort of thing I'm doing, kills you inside.
But I need to see you
I need to remember your details,
I can't and won't forget you.

I know you don't do this
To me,
Things I thought were romantic was just friendship,
The weakest of friendship.
I'm just too dumb.

You and me; We pretend
That we're just friends,
Well, maybe you're not pretending,
But I am.

I see you to remind me of you,
The way you crouch over your guitar,
The jut of your chin,
The way your eyes shine,
When I make you happy.
Long, delicate fingers,
The bump in your nose,
Your acne,
Your hair,
The girlish colour of your mouth
That I hoped would touch one day
With my own.

For you, I have not suffered for my art
I have simply suffered.
And all that has come of it are the silliest, the dreamiest of girly love poems.
But I mean every word.

My dear, I've wasted my precious time
I'll let you sing your pithy rhymes
My darling, you've been a fool-
I'm a crazy lady, I'm no light touch-
But so have I.

You're a crazy boy, you're no light touch
You pulled me in with both hands-on
How was I supposed to get out?

Leave your places of worship,
That we share.
Perhaps you were special;
You were just different
But I am integral, and you are temporary.

You're just a friend, I suppose, if that's what I want it to be,
But that's confusing.
We pretend
To be best friends,
But were we really?

All I see, is just me
And you blowing me off,
And me saying to your mother
"Oh no, we're friends, it's fine."
My God,
What a ****** boyfriend you would have made.
What a bullet I dodged!

Darling, it's been ten months,
And we only live once.
Ten months ago,
Maybe I'd think differently.

My dear, perhaps you'll realise
And then, you'll feel
Your head will romanticize it all,
And perhaps you'll write some of your finest love songs,
About a girl, who cared, and cared far too long,
And now she doesn't think twice about you.
Ain't that sad?

I used to like
The idea of being your muse.
Bob Dylan's Suze Rotolo,
WB Yeats' Maud Gonne,
But
I'll be my own muse,
I'll inspire myself.

Life moves with water and sun, not with you.

Because, darling, it's been ten months,
And I
Am
Over you.

Oh darling
You Thought You always had me
i thought you'd sweep me off my feet
oh darling
i was only second best
oh darling
i never matched to your test.
i guess i was second best

oh darling
your blue eyes seemed to stare right through me
but we were just friends i guess I couldn't see
and now we're friends
but we don't have to pretend

oh darling
you're such a bore
oh darling
you whine and you snore
oh darling
you're not my baby no more
oh darling
you're not my darling

I've barely met you,
But I like the sound of you.
You seem like someone who gets me.
I think I'd like to stop feeling,
Perhaps you can help me.

Let's run away,
I can't be "normal".
Let's be asylum seekers,
Seeking the end of the world.
I hold my hand out, and you can say yes or no,
But
Let's run away.

Let's travel the countries we've never been to,
Cheap cars, easy ***
Everything we say is meaningless
And ain't that the beauty of it?

A boy holds my thoughts at home,
But I'll let you hold my heart.
I'll never tell you how much I miss him,
But perhaps,
By the time we're on the road,
He won't matter anymore.

We don't have to face
Nightmarish reality
We can keep driving and we can never stop

I miss him, I miss him so much,
But we can be
Our teenage dreams,
We'll still think they're heroes,
Even though they're not.

Suburbia is calling home,
Ignore it
Come with me.
Take me with your teenage dreams,
We'll be alright
I promise.

My hand holds out
With a stranger I've never met before
You're that kind of person I get the feeling,
That I'm in love with.

Let my hand
Slip
In yours
And clasp it.

Darling,
I'm only
Ever
Yours.

Go down to Skeleton Grove, go now,
Wait for the ghost train to pick you up,
Then walk past
The green bushes,
And into the green maze.

Find there all your childhood memories
Give them a ring.
Place your foot on the lily pad,
Let yourself glide,
Ankle-length hem of your nightie
Trailing against the blue water.
Red and blue flowers slide on the pond surface,
Then dip below.
Like the skulls.

Find the whisperer,
Between the trees.
She's calling out your name, hurry
Run after her , chase her, catch her.

But all you can find is a girl,
With rabbit skin.
Pink eyes closed in a dream,
Small body of bones lain beside her.

The maze keeps going, twisting on itself.
Let the man take your hand, and when you do, let blood blossom all over his body.
Pray for the *******, the stolen lives,
Manifesting here.
Childhood in the looking-glass.

You find yourself falling, falling
The **** of the mermaids, against a rock,
Get out, get out as fast as you can.

But then you realise, you can't.
But then you realise, you've been here all along.
But then you realise, you never left.

Don't kiss me,
Don't miss me,
Just leave me alone.

When we met,
I knew you were different.
Didn't try to read me the way other people did,
Shone me a light of a different colour
Than what I was used to.

And I watched my feelings
Pile up and up,
Into something I couldn't manage anymore.
Something I couldn't reduce or squash into a box.
Something I simply had to hide from you.

When boys said stuff,
I always felt loyalty to you.
I doubt you were the same.

But don't you see?
It's always been you.
In the rain and in the grey,
You've always been there.
And I'd get high
On the thoughts and dreams,
That you'd be mine someday.

Because,
It's always been you.
For you I've shelled all cynicism, all pessimism,
All realism,
Because I could never accept that we might not work out.

I remember laughing and smiling,
And wanting kissing instead.
I remember grinning, yes, everything's fine,
And wishing you were dead.
Because you're perfect for me, why can't you see?
There's never been anyone else.
It's always been you.

So I tell you
And I say
Because I'm tired waiting.
I've already dreamed up everything,
And I want it to happen now.

I listen and listen,
But you don't say.
Say something, please.
Don't plan, don't calculate.
Just say.

I guess
It's always been someone else
I guess
I was always looking at you
I guess
I was just looking the wrong way.

Am I just a figment of your information
Rolling round your head
Until you see me again.

So tell me
Am I in your head?
When I don't materialise,
Does another me fill
The space between your ears?

Has she made a home inside your head
Does she sit at the vanity mirror of your soul
Remembering your every memory with me
Examining every moment of your contact with me
For you?

Does she see
How you feel
Does she clear the clutter on the drawer top
And open the drawers of your mind
To see what you're thinking.
Do you feel
Like she feels
Exactly the way you feel

Does she act out the fantasies
You dream of having with me
Conversations that time cuts out
Tension that can bend hands
Behind backs
Does she kiss you
Like you want me to
But I can't
Because time is always burning
Soon all we'll be left with is ash

Does she tell you how I feel?
Does she crawl into your innermost thoughts,
Turning rationality on its head
Like you do?
Like you do to me?
Like you do?

And I grab your hand, because I know you understand.

The eleven clocks ring back home
Hold my hand
My world

Hands locked,
Forever and ever
Until one day.
Lips on lips,
Kissing.
You're in my world.

Sunshine in eyes,
Water on feet.
Tears on face
Screams from mouths.
Cause you don't understand
And I don't understand.
My world, my world.
Help me keep my world
From crumbling.

Hands that swing
Side by side
And they touch.
Do you still want
To be
In my world?
It's not perfect, and it's cracked,
But my world will be your world,
My world will be our world.
I'd like that,
And I hope
You'd like that too.

Last night, I heard a song, a song in my sleep.
Last night, I heard a song, a song in my sleep.
All my dreams, they were fickle, but my thoughts they ran deep.
And last night, I heard a song, a song in my sleep.

The song, it was beautiful.
It played, and it teased,
With the strings that plucked at my soul.
The song, it was beautiful.
With a tune that ran wild.
The song, it was beautiful.
It had a soul like a child's.



It had lyrics,
That whispered in my ears.
Lyrics, that spoke of another world,
A world, full of happiness, and light.
And it was with great happiness, and great light, that I realized,
I lived in that world.



And all the things, that were supposed to be important, they suddenly stopped mattering,
And the thoughts that poisoned my head, became feckless, mindless chattering.
The strong hand of clarity, it guided me right,
And so I slept, I slept long into that good night.

Girly.
You call me girly.

When I wore pink,
You called me girly,
And said I was trying to be "the stereotype of femininity".
I just wanted to wear pink.

When I wore a skirt,
You called me girly.
Said I was just trying to impress boys and be slutty.

When I went out with a boy,
You called it "the death of feminism"
And when I cried,
You laughed and said "Cry, then, girly."

I- wait.
I am a girl.
If I am a girl, I must be girly.
And so you must be girly too.
Since when has being a woman been a slur?

All these angry ****** women,
Trying to make their taunts noble,
By hiding behind a noble title that they don't hold- Feminist.
They simply like to taunt, shame, bully
Other women, who don't fit into their archetype of ****** insecurity and violent jealousy.
They don't care about the sexism, that goes on daily,
Internationally, globally, yet never seems to end.
Oh no, they do not see the bigger picture.

You do not see the big picture.
It's just you against another girl,
And you trying to justify your actions
By  misusing that word,
That word you just love to misuse,
Feminism.

So go ahead.
Call me girly.
I'll be glad, I'll be proud.
You just called me a woman.

Oh, look.
The sun's gone down.
I guess it's over.
We had our chance- nothing came of it.
But maybe that's a good thing.
I'm in perspective of a different kind.
And right now, I feel so alive.

You still mean so, so much to me.
You're kind and sweet and funny.
But to all that kindness and sweetness and hilarity,
I say-
Not right now.
And my heart, which carries all that kindness and sweetness and hilarity
It lets go.


So, yes, right now I'm empty.
Because being full was too heavy.
And maybe I'm not feeling what people call the best feeling in the world
But I feel so light.

And you know something?
You're all that.
Sweetness, kindness, hilarity.
Maybe even more.
But you're all that.
And I want all that.
But I'm not sure if I can handle all that.


So
Forget me
Forget you.
Not out of anger, not out of spite.
Just not right now,
Just not tonight.
But remember,
You are all that.

Well.
What to do now?
I still think of you, you know.
The sun's gone but the night's almost over.
Maybe another day?

You said something,
And you regretted it.

And now you're a *****,
Who needs to shut the **** up.
There's a place for you in hell.
These people who used to be your friends,
Now you can't tell.
Don't reply.

They're gonna keep egging you on, egging you on,
Until all you can hear are their insults.
And when you cry, you can't tell your mom.
Because of what you said,
You've lost all your friends.
To them, you're dead.
Don't reply.

It was just something you said, something very small,
A little mistake,
But now you wish you hadn't said a thing at all.
Your friends are liking everything they say,
And responding with stuff of their own.
All because of something you did today.
Don't reply.


Gotta get through this,
Gotta get through this,
Gotta make it to the next day.
Even though they won't leave you alone.


Don't cry,
Don't sob,
Don't reply.

I am going to build a storm inside of me.

The media blew you off as a tortured soul,
When your wife found you hanging, like a flag,
Tied to the kitchen pole.

People romanticized you as some sort of saint
And all meaning of yourself was lost.
People went to your gigs to see you dance and shake,
And to see you be carried off.
You were a child, once,
But then you made the wrong decisions, grew up
And now the cynics call you a dunce.
You had a daughter, but you never held her,
Was it because you didn't feel worthy to?
I wonder now, if she wants you to hold her, even though she's much elder.

They say you were brilliant,
The ones who viewed you through a microscope.
Of course there were the cruel ones,
Who said that your heart was cold,
But maybe, maybe, you could have grown old.

You'd wake up with a kiss from your wife,
Who'd lumber her aged body out of bed,
Or maybe, you'd have a different life.
One, far far away on your own,
But you'd have developed,
You would have grown.

Now, only indie teenagers visit your grave,
Put Joy Division and New Order records by your tombstone.
Write you messages, which rant and rave,
With conditional love for you.

You weren't some heroic legend,
With a poisoned inner core.
You had your struggles,
That had haunted you long before.

So maybe one day I will be an indie teenager, and I will visit your grave.
But I will not give your death,
Such romanticizing the others gave.
Under all the messages that read "LEGEND", for your suicide,
I will write: "MAN".
Because that is what you are.