im not quite sure where all the time went
but i still remember every word you said.
everything you ever expected from me,
every thought you ever had about me.

ive got your beliefs on my mind.
am i everything you wanted??

i thought i was safe inside your heart,
i thought itd be easier to see the light of day.
oh but was i wrong thinking youd be my savior.

i remember all you ever taught me
but ill never remember the things you shouted at me.
i got really good at repression,
because all you ever preached was nothing i could believe.

i told myself a million times i wouldnt go
round and round again.
but i never stopped spinning, and i never got dizzy.

I framed myself for every wrong,
you never did any bad, and i never saw.
it was okay, all those words you said,
you burned into my mind, the worthlessness i held.
i came this far thinking i was less than enough,
i came into adulthood knowing my worth.
because you helped me figure out exactly how to fail.

i never had a life, you never gave me what i needed to succeed.
i never had what gave me the will to power on.
how dare i believe i had it good.

The boulders are freckled along the bank,
sleeping on lime-skin grass, grey and tired.
Fading black canvas shoes
attach to smooth, firm sides,
climbing a planet not as hard as ours.

From the distance, a spinning speck is seen.
With binoculars cupped around each eye,
you can see her twirl in the old, pink thing;
in the mirrors of light, you can see her beauty,
even if she has been blind her entire life.

You can see her rest her shoulder on a boulder,
gasps trying to grasp galloping breath --
and in between each choke, you must wonder
if you co-exist in this world
or separately, infinitely.

When you are drunk on the altitude,
it's time to step down and walk to sea-level.
Scurrying down thrown-up mountainside,
you should try not to trip on nature
or your own nature.

Dear sharp mind of mine
you've returned for revenge
cause ive poisioned you
with every drag of pride ive ever shown.

do not run from me,
im faster than you think.
i wont spare you none,
you wont have time for the rehab you seek.

they say you don't get time
to make yourself better,
they say youll be this way forever
but youll never know until you try.
whether your soul remains ashed
or if you can redeem yourself one last time,
youre still the same.

ive rung myself dry
ive ****** the life out of every
good thing ive ever known,
how pleasant.

and when he told you he loved you did it give you hope?
did it make it possible for you to live with regret?
well what a shame, cause now he's dead.
he's hung himself to die.

dear baby,
i never meant for it to be this cruel,
im sorry i gave you my shoulder,
im sorry i saved you.
i guess it was all for the best,
maybe not, look at you now.
my intentions were good, i promise.

its almost impossible to make conversation
with the voices in my head,
they seem so sweet, so complacent
but who am i to judge a person's sanity?
im the last one who deserves that right.

oh, darling, you're such a lovely addition
to these hearts ive hung up around town.
you'll be so admired by the dead.

say goodnight to what youve always known.
its all changed now.
you'll never know.
you'll never know.

if you're looking for me
im probably sinking below the surface,
im drowning.

ive been so caught up in the things i wish to be,
you've been helping me down since the first time i told you i was hurt.
ive been telling myself i need something to extract you from me,
ive been stuck to you, an eternal bond i just cant break.

most of the time,
im sinking below the surface,
but that doesnt stop anyone from pushing me further.
im standing on the edge of these tracks,
and im never coming back.

you watched me burn, slowly, without movement.
you watched my ashes blow into the ocean,
and they became the freedom i always longed for.

why did you wait so long to try and **** me,
why couldnt you see i was already dead?
chain me down,
help me sink once more.

i am angry
they told me who i'm supposed to be
i am not who they wanted in their world.
i am anything but pure
i am anything but sweet.
i am your worst nightmare.

my hands numb,
my legs shaking, toes tapping,
you asked me what i wanted to be.
well what the hell, i haven't the slightest,
i've never really thought about
the person i wanted to become.
"someone everyone loves"
but what does that ever accomplish?
what if no one ever learns to love me the
way that they're supposed to?
but how is anyone supposed to love me anyway.
what if i'm already doomed?
I'm already in the mix, i'm already set up to fail.
so then, you ask me; "who are you?"
silence.

in the spur of the moment,
my eyes widened.
i reminisce of every time i thought
i was doing something because it was me.
i think of every single time you lectured me,
asking what i was doing with myself.
i think of the times my parents were disappointed,
and all of the people I've let down.
I thought they'd hate me, but they didn't even care.
no one ever really gave a crap what i did,
but I, all too much of their actions.
and for what? look where it landed me.

I'm so upset with myself.
I'm supposed to know these things.
I'm supposed to know who i am.
I'm supposed to know what this body contains,
I'm supposed to know what my heart can give,
and what my mind believes in.
but i just don't.
at least not now.


who was i when i popped those pills,
willingly broke through my skin to feel the pain.
who was i on New Years 13 shots in,
kissing that cute boy who's name escapes me.
who was i when my parents divorced,
who was i when i no longer had a family.
when i got my license, or graduated high school.
who was i when you looked me in the eyes and told
me you loved the girl i used to be.
who is the girl i used to be?

if this is the coming of the storm, then someone tell me,
because here i am, 19 years into my life
not knowing one single thing about myself.
not knowing what to feel,
only because at this very moment, i have to think.
i have to give definition to myself
when before, it all rolled off my tongue,
like i read my fate on a gum wrapper.

you never did notice my shaking legs, or my pale face.
you never did see right through me. oh this is easy to fake.
i put my hands together and said "i am myself"

although i had no idea who that is.

but i know i am angry,
i am not pure,
i am not sweet.
i sure as hell am not "myself",
whoever that may be.