I’m not fine.
I’m not fine.
I’m. Not. Fine.
I’M NOT FINE OKAY
not fine at all.
You’d think I’d miss being happy
But I don’t come close to caring.
I was once a victim of a cruel boy
Now I’m a victim of my own mind.
And nobody cares about what happened to me
So I wonder if anyone cares about what he did
Because there was a crowd to witness
Who stood by with bubbles floating from their mouths
So now I’m a victim of my own mind and I’m not fine.
Will I ever be fine again?
I’ve been working on getting stronger, on not apologizing
But I haven’t been working on being stronger, forgiving
I’m not fine and I hate myself and it’s a cycle
I feel so damaged and I’m not fine and it’s a cycle
Will I ever stop drowning and swim to shore?

My fingers move with their own will
And little clicks reach my ears to say hi
And there are little lines on the screen now
And my heart doesn’t feel how it did before.
But I still haven’t made a sound.
I thought if I lost control for a bit
I might feel better but I'm still not fine at all
My eyes are glass holes; I can't see the shore.

You might think you’ve found your flower
But you’ve got something brand new hitting you
Her eyes could burn down the room
So get out while you can, this is your last chance
You don't understand- you don’t know her at all
She doesn't know how to lose and she’d rather die
She'll run with your mind and drop it like a baton
She’ll whisper to only you and pull you in tight
Then trade you in for the newer one in the room
I know what it's like, I fell for it twice, she’s killed me too
And now she’s eyeing her prey and I'm just warning you
Once she gets her eyes on you, you’re done.

I still have your jeans on my bedroom floor
I haven’t touched those gowns you never wore
And I’m stuck missing what we had before

I never understood why I can’t see you again
I still don’t comprehend why we’re back to “just friends”
And all I know is I’ve never felt so broken

I know you like everything fresh and shiny and new
But since when am I just some leftover to you
After all the raging storms we have been through

I must admit I got a bit scared earlier
But the sky was so blue it made your eyes look paler
And nice skies always make the world a bit prettier

When the storm of the day didn’t come
My mind flashed back, where’s this coming from?
I guess it’s still hard to say we’re done.

Today I am healthy
Today I am happy
Today is a good day
I won’t let the past matter.
No matter how much it hurts
It doesn’t get to touch me today
It might have the gaping jaws of a monster
But it doesn’t get to eat me alive today.
Today I am alive again. I will hold that.

What would you do if I broke down on the outside
You’re far more decent than any of your friends, your peers, any of the rest
But that’s when you’re looking me in the eye and I’m perfectly in control of myself
But would you be just as kind to me if I lost control right next to you
If I couldn’t stop the tears would you acknowledge that they exist
Or would you go back to ignoring me like the rest of them did so long ago
Would I affect you in the way of humans, the one they’re all immune to

All around me these people stare
And I’m supposed to impress them.
I really wish I could say something real,
Something that doesn't sound so insane
But lately, I don't trust my brain, not at all
You tell me I won't ever change- but I have
So I just keep my teeth ground together
No matter how bad I wish I could say something.
I’m surrounded by you and your friends
And you keep running your mouth at me
I have so much to say to you all
I so desperately wish I could say something
But my lips are glued and glossed
Because you’re too cowardly to see my brain
No matter what, I say nothing. Nothing at all.

I was raised in Darkness
So Darkness I became
You wanted to leave me in a world of Darkness
So now I belong only to the world of Darkness
I hope you’re happy
Because I finally am.
Cross my heart and hope to die,
Darkness is my master and my home
Because I’ve never had another
And I know comforts in Darkness.
And as for the man, my partner as I think of him
He saw Beauty in my Darkness
I saw Darkness in his Beauty
We belong together.
Which leaves me in a good place, you realize.
The only thing left is you.
You aren’t my mama, Darkness is my mama.
But you abandoned me. Big mistake.
We have unfinished business, you realize.
And I so hate loose ends.
But wasn’t that how you saw me?
A loose end to tie up?
A piece of evidence to destroy?
Don’t ever try to touch me,
Don’t even think about trying to get inside my head
It’s much too dark for you in there.
I’m not a baby anymore,
I’m a beast full of Beauty and armed with Darkness.