4 years
2 months
28 minutes
and 39 seconds

Its 4:28 am
and I know
that I don't love you
anymore

-j.t.

My eyes were bloodshot and you told me I needed more sleep
And that's when I realized that you weren't who I thought you were
Because I always thought of all the people
You would understand
That some nights are not meant for sleeping

And some nights my body doesn't fit me right and I wrestle around trying to get in my own skin again.

And some night my dreams are so vivid I can't tell what's real and what's not the next morning and it scares me.

And some nights the spaces between my ribs grow and the world becomes filled with metaphors and wonder and the air is so sweet I can barely breathe.

And some nights,
the night is all I have and I'm afraid that if I fall asleep it'll be taken from me so I hold on as tight as I can.

Some nights are very very good
Some nights are very very bad
Sleep does not belong to either of those nights
Sleep is not worthy of those precious hours of darkness when my surroundings match my emotions

I thought you would understand.

When the boy you like shows up with a hickey on his neck,
do not linger.
I know what it is like to be in that state of limbo
Between hope and surrender
When every time he puts his arms around you it feels like the stars have aligned and all is right with the world.
But also when his eyes brush over the cute waitress' body for just a second too long
It feels like your chest just opened up to reveal a shriveled heart.

And let me tell you that it is not worth it.
Because while you sit at home imagining his hands on the back of your neck,
He's in the back of a car with his lips on someone else's throat.
You will spend hours,
days,
remembering every little thing he's ever said to you,
And he will almost forget your name the next time he sees you.

Darling let me tell you
that you deserve better.
You deserve someone who will repeat your name in their sleep.
His hands will feel different
but they will be warm unlike the ice cold ones of your imagination.
And if you're lucky,
you will have plenty of hickeys of your own.

She’s a desert and
you’re just another drop
of water for her to
soak up
you’ll feel fury and pain
a Hiroshima heartbeat
decimating the skyline
she carved on your back
you won’t feel anything
but he empty touch of
an ice cube
her fingertips criss-cross
your torso like a kite
Stamps her lips on
yours and sends you
Away; express mail
no return address
In to the palm of her
hand

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

it's you and i and
the things we are not and the
things we'll never be.

i parked my car just up the hill
from your  house  and it was
dark but  i  think  your  tv
was on (i wonder what
show you've decided
to smother yourself
in this summer)
and my fingers
were tingling
and i was
having
trouble
figuring
out how
my lungs
worked and
i   turned   my
engine  o f f  and
tried  to  walk  up
to your door, really,
i  did  but  then  i  saw
your  plants   o n    the
porch and  the  garden
in the yard that y o u
love so much and i
remembered  that
those things do
not belong to
m e,  t h e y
belong to
her. and
so do
you.
and as
much  as
i   want   to
hear your voice
(because even after
only  this  short  time
i t ' s  become fuzzy
in the back of my
mind and in my
dreams)  it   is
not   mine  to
w o r s h i p
anymore.

He asked me if I ever worry my
life is like The Truman Show and
one day I'll wake up and realize
everyone around me was an actor,
that everything I thought I had
known until that moment was a
lie. But god I worry enough for
a whole village and if I added that
to my list I would never sleep
never eat never brush my teeth. I
do not know how to steady my
hands anymore when I think
about how you told me you were
in love with me and you didn't
mean it didn't mean it didn't mean
it.

You fell in love with me.

I just hope you jumped.
Not slipped.