falling, tripping  
holding on for dear life
tasting an unfamiliar sip
through another restless night
"you have it in you to love"
i say
as i put up a raging fight  but
when push comes to shove
you dream for the day
all of your ceaseless wrong becomes right

*at the end of the day, we all want the same thing - to love and to be loved

I hear a subtle whisper,
and it sends my spine a chill,
I hear the same old song play,
the one that bears me ill,

I look for other signs of,
you here within these walls,
I listen for the sound of,
your voice as darkness falls,

I feel a gentle breeze go,
so sweetly by my face,
then move the lovely flowers,
left in our favorite vase,

I watch a lovely night bird,
glide swiftly to my sill,
I so dearly want to touch him,
to not-
against my will,

I will always look for you dear,
down these empty halls,
I will always hear your sound love,
as true love always calls,

I know your shadows dancing,
it moves in perfect grace,
your images of leather,
are bound in ancient lace,

You dance upon these walls here,
an in every sacred place,

A heart can possibly ever keep.

Ma Cherie © 2017

I see the cardiologist today
My heart has been off
Instead of the normal
Thump Thump
It's been
Thththththump
I thought it was from
This new exciting us
But I feel sorrowful
maybe I missed a few pills
The ones that keep the smile on my face
But my heart
It's going erratic
It's doing it when I'm not with you
Becomes worse when I'm around you
you are bad for my health
Thththththump
There it goes again
My heart is broke
Even with you staying
I see the cardiologist today...

Envy
When you see me with him
And you wish
I was yours.

Lust
In your eyes as you take my head
In your hands
And kiss me like you've wanted to

Greed
I am in your hands,
And only yours.
But you want more

Gluttony
You take what is yours
And I give willingly
I keep on giving, and you keep taking

Sloth
As we lay,
Tired
Exhausted from the work we've done

Pride
When you show me off to your friends at the bar
And you have a few drinks,
Leaving sloppy kisses on my cheeks while they laugh

Wrath
When we are home, and I am too tired to give
Your hands gripping my hair as you yell,
And you finally set free the demon within

5 AM Thoughts ://

If there's one thing that I learned from the past that I went through, he made me want to try to be a better person. Maybe it was for him, at first. But then I realized, no matter how long and how hard I try, I'll never be enough for that person. So all I need to do is just try to be a better person for myself, not for anyone's sake.

I remember how I used to stay up all night to cry and pin myself to my pillow for a few consecutive months. I still could hear all the words he said in the back of my head, rehashing arguments of how he could never understand how I felt about us.

I remember how I could drop everything just to be by his side. I remember how I could try to give him anything that I could possibly give in order to make him happy, even when the situations told me not to.

and that's what happens when you truly care about someone. You want to make them happy. You put their happiness' above yours, even when people told you it's freaking stupid to put one's happiness above yours.

But, again. You truly loved him. Even when he did not. Even when he yelled at you. Even when he called you names. All the manipulations make you think that you're happy with him, when the truth is you're being pathetic trying to scratch the ground off with your bare hands, trying to dig deep, trying so hard to make him happy. But as always, it takes two to tango. and if he can't dance with your jam, neither can you.

and one day, it hit you again
and you'll remember loving him,
all of the good ****
and all of the bad ****, too
But as soon as you realized that you were truly in love with him,
you forget how to heal

People have different ways to heal themselves. Sometimes it's a short period of time, sometimes it's a long period of time. Sometimes it involves the third party, a new one. and sometimes, some people don't need a new one in order to heal.

What about me? for what I have now, I still don't know how much time I need to heal myself from the scratches I got. It took me a year to realize, this is gonna take longer than I thought it would.

and I swear to God,
I promised myself ; "I'll heal, I'll heal"
but it's a lot more than just that

and I thought I have healed,
but then, I realized I haven't healed at all

because in my sleep,
I still see him in my dreams
over, and over,
again.

at last, I'm gonna quote Beyoncé here ;
"but you're just a boy,
and you don't understand how it feels to love a girl,
someday, you'll wish you were a better man

you don't listen to her, and you don't care how it hurts
until you lose the one you wanted, cause you've taken her for granted
and everything you have got destroyed"

Put on your armor,
Slip into your high heeled shoes.
Wear them with everything.
Wear them as long as you need them.
Wear them to feel safe.
Wear them to feel powerful.
Wear them to feel important.
And go about the business of living.
Figure out who you are.
Figure out what's important.
Figure out how you're going to put your "weird" to use.
Don't build any walls to high.
Don't try to get out with your heart intact.
When something hurts you, let it hurt.
And after all of that is done.
I hope you no longer need that armor.
I hope you can look yourself in the eye.
I hope you find a way to help the next "weird" girl in line.