i'm here for a good time not for a long time
and i know that sounds like a joke
but i mean it
i'm not living forever
and i'm not growing old
my life will sizzle out
like a burnout matchstick
and so
i would like to live in moments not more
wanting more is an appetite you can't satisfy
so
i'll feast on moments of bliss
moments in which i don't wish, i revel in what i've been given
moments in which i don't need, i have your love
moments in which
all i know
all i want
and
all i need
exists
but only for a moment
and what a moment it'll be

you asked me if i minded
and i asked you why i would
i asked because i expected you to know
i expected that as my friend you'd know
know why i do mind
because i do mind very much
i mind hearing you laugh with him
i mind seeing him smile with you
i mind hearing him so happy with you
i mind seeing my secret fear come to life
i do mind
i mind because it hurts
it hurts to see him so quickly accept you again
it hurts because he so quickly ignored my existence
so quickly dropped me from his heart and mind
as if i never mattered to begin with
you watched this all unfold
you watched me begin to cry as he looked away
you saw me crumble as he left
and yet
you have the audacity to ask
if i mind you being his friend

i started drawing
because my dad used to
i started writing
because my dad always did
i started watching football
so we could watch together
and so we did
every sunday
and the occasional monday
but slowly
every game
turned into every other
and eventually none
he stopped asking to see my work too
and i stopped trying to share

i am seventeen
my dad is thirty-five
so is my mother
do the math
my mother is nuts
and my dad is me
or i am my dad
i'm not really fond of either
neither seems to know me
but both will say they do
in fact
mother thinks she knows me better than i do
she loves to tell me how i feel
she loves to tell me how i am
she loves to tell me who i am
and who i ought to be
my dad isn't as bad
he's just grasping at the past
the past where i tried my best
my best to get his attention
my best to get his love
he's stuck holding onto thirteen
i'm sorry
but i am simply me
myself
and apparently everyone else

i love attention
particularly the male kind
they make it easy
play a damsel
with pouty lips
feed their egos
with soft lies
let 'em play hero
with heart strings
keep their attention
with ****-me eyes
attention
attention
i'm in need of attention

i can't sleep
so i tried to count sheep
but they all turned to roaches
so i opened my eyes
and tried to wear them out
by staring onto my room
but shadows turned to people
so i closed my eyes
and i tried to clear my mind
but it ran amiss
so i opened my eyes
and tried to read myself to sleep
but words were just ink
so i closed my eyes
and tried counting sheep

i have been
(and probably always will be)
obsessed
with
dying
this not to say i want to die
i don't want to die
but i will
someday
i will die
my family will die
my pets will die
my friends will die
every living being i have encountered
will die
death is inevitable
and that's not necessarily bad
death is the reason i live
i live because there's a definite end point
i live to fill all the spaces in between
i live because i don't have forever
so maybe that's why it's stuck on my mind
it's as though being hyper-aware of my mortality
makes me want to live even more

i could grow daisies in your lungs
for they are filled with the purest air
that sometimes we share
i could grow tulips from your head
for you have imagined more fields than you can fill
maybe the one we count the stars in
i could grow roses from your eyes
for they would just add to your rosy vision
rosy enough to make me seem like enough
i
(however)
could grow nothing from your heart
for those fields have been over plowed
for the waves of your chestnut hair don't reach
for i haven't a clue what flower is worthy
worthy of trying
trying to prosper where other's have failed you
i fear my love not being enough
enough to wield blooms for you
for now
i hope daisies are enough

i don't wear your clothes because i miss you
a fit is a fit
and i look **** good in it

love poems about you
would not be so mystical
i can't find constellations in your eyes
your smile doesn't remind of spring
you haven't freckles speckled about like petals
your kisses don't come with fireworks
you don't make my lungs collapse

love poems about you
would be about the more mundane
the playing with your hem when you're nervous
the collection of pens "just in case"
the spirals you line with daisies
the kisses that follow with giggles
the way you fill my lungs with a life they hadn't had before

you only stopped to consider how drunk i may have been
when it came to getting me out of your bed
not when it came to getting me in it

frays from ripped pages
forced cover up art
wrinkles from excess ink
makeshift scrap-booking
all to hide
hide everything i wish to forget
everything that was worth writing down
omitting names to avoid writing them away
or into existence
code words i'll never remember
because i don't want
imagine lying to yourself everyday
imagine teasing yourself with the truth
imagine covering reality with stickers

sometimes i feel like tv static
an odd kinda buzz
a little bit numb
sinking feeling in my gut
switch the channel
i feel numb
switch the channel
i can't feel my hands
switch the channel
i can't breath
switch the channel
i can't break through the screen
switch the channel
i'm grasping for air
switch the channel
switch
switch
switch
i'll being waking up as the same tv static tomorrow

love me
i want you to love me
i want you to want me
i know i sound selfish
and that's because i am
i want to be wanted
i want to be on your mind
i want to be a post-it note over your eyes
i want to be in the margins of all your pages
i want to be your what-ifs
i want to be your every second-thought
i want to be your muse
i want to be the subject of all your sappy poems
i want to be molded into cliches
i want to be a forced metaphor
i want to be
many things
to you
& for you
and yes i am selfish
i want your attention
and i want it all

i still wear your jacket when i'm sad

when it rains
i prefer it pours
i prefer it wash me away
i prefer i slide along the pavement
i prefer i ride along the curb
i prefer i get smacked over cars
i prefer i join the droplets of your window
i prefer you catch me before i'm gone
i prefer you look at me as beauty
i prefer you take a moment
i prefer you let me slide down to your wrist
i prefer you let you and i coexist
i prefer you do so forever
or least until the rain subsides

my life is a series of endless mountains
and my rope has abandoned me
leaving me to pull myself up the jagged edges
leaving me to rely on my own strength
leaving me to question my every step
leaving me to fear myself
leaving me

i've had one too many boys toss love at me like a hello

what's with the romanization of 17
why is it made out to be a pinnacal of teenage
why is it the highlight of punk songs
why was it the ******* year
17 was quite awful to me
let's see
i began by getting my heart broken
proceeded to spiral
so i chopped off my hair
because that's what the pretty girl does in every coming of age movie
she chops off her hair then everything gets better
well not for me
i kept spiraling
spiraled more and more as each piece of my hair hit the floor
then i chose to be a *****
i was desperate for attention
desperate to be wanted
and then i was
by one
two
three
four
then i went green
before i chopped it all again
and maybe the end of 17 hasn't been so bad
minus my ***** friends
but overall
i'd rate it a 6/10
let's hope 18 is better

it's like running toward a cliff

you know you're gonna fall if you don't stop running

but you can't stop your legs

your mind is moving faster than your feet

conjuring up things that could be waiting at the bottom

you don't know how far the edge is

you have no idea when you'll finally fall

the moment you do finally crash

you'll wish you could go back to running

back to not knowing

it physically pains me to think that i have existed beyond the present
like i'm walking through life trailed by fragments of me
like there's pieces of me still living for others
pieces i don't remember losing
living without me

tell me that you love me
i
dare
you
stick around after
i
dare
you
wait to hear it back
i
dare
you
wait for silent kisses
i
dare
you
wait for me
i
dare
you

love me
i dare you

my brother ran from home
no one noticed among the chaos
every out of place step just mixed with the others
while i passed around laughs with friends
while i was blissfully unaware
my dad went to the police
they didn't ask for a picture
so everyone dropped their jobs
and piled into cars
and we drove
and drove
and we walked
as far as we could
and then we walked some more

my brother ran from home
to a home built on lies
filled to the brim with unwanted kids
until they dragged him back
and we lined ourselves up
and stood behind tears
and i watched
i watched them bury the truth
at least they used smaller shovels

every bit of hate

is pooling in her eyes

every bit of regret

is rolling down her cheeks

every bit of fear

is found between her fists

every bit of doubt

is hidden in her manic smile

every dark feeling that riddles your mind

is amplified in the sound of her laugh

sometimes i wanna run
run
and run
run till my feet give way
and i find myself far far away
lost
but not anymore than now
  
what's stopping me
from packing up
picking up a change of clothes
snacks for the road
pocket change and a bit more
what's stopping me
  
i'm waiting
waiting for the right time
the right time that has no time
but fear will keep me waiting
waiting
and waiting
waiting till my mind dies out

it hurts more to break-up with a friend
but it's better this way
better for my heart and soul
to let you go
if only it was that simple
you never did make things easy
so give me your best shot
try to paint a picture of purity from this mess
the one benefit of wasting 8 years with you:
i know all your tricks
i've had a front seat to every lie
to every twist and turn
every attempt to be the victim
and i've got a copy of every secret
and i know i sound vengeful
i know i sound petty
i know
but i don't really give a ****
because i'm just a ***** after all,
right?

i rather feel everything

every smile that creeps up

every giggle that slips out

every goose-bump and shiver

every bit of static

every tear as it slides slowly but surely down my face

one for every bit of static

one for every smile

one for every troubled thought

because i have a sea filled with them

and sometimes the tides pull me in

and i never learned to swim

but

i still rather feel everything

than nothing at all

i feel like we're magnetic
but you like to switch up your charge
sometimes
you pull me in
and i get trapped
by your lovely
lovely
attractiveness
and just when i grow attached
just when i grow comfy
in the hollow of your chest
just when i grow to love you
all over again
you pull a 180
and push me away
and no matter how far i go
i can't reach you
and just when i start to let go
just when i grow comfy
in the warmth of my own skin
just when i grow to love myself
all on my own
you come back again
and i let you
because i feel like we're magnetic

i never thought of myself as someone with school spirit
but
i'll spend my fridays
decked out in purple
dotted with black and white
i'll dance in the crowd
while the band plays us out
i'll work on losing my voice
while we head to the tailgate
i'll work on numbing my feet
while we dance to knock-off dj beats
i'll jump to my feet
when our team takes the field
i'll join in on the cheers
when our band shows up
i'll worry about my voice tomorrow
cuz right now
we're losing it over touchdowns
i'll worry about my clothes tomorrow
cuz right now
we're laughing while the rain pours down
i'll worry about it all tomorrow
cuz right now
we're dancing under stadium lights

i'll create constellations in your eyes
shatter your soft brown
fill the cracks with fragments of me
taint your vision with moments of me

i can't bring myself to love you
without breaking you first
cloudy vision so as to adore me best

i'll paint you pretty
lay you down as my canvas
taint your skin with bits of love
hues of pinks and purples

i can't bring myself to love you
i haven't any love to give
i hope you won't notice
i'm simply re-gifting borrowed love

let me play make-believe
make you believe i'm not inferior
string together stolen words
just to sound as though i know you best
copy and paste works of art
just to look as though i belong beside you
let me be your leading lady
just for a moment
maybe you'll see i can play the part
i can be a pretty girl
please
let me play make-believe
maybe i can find a better role

i'm in the kinda mood
where sitting in the freezing rain doesn't seem half bad
letting the droplets pelt my skin
numb me
match my limbs to the freeze in my chest
my chest was frozen before the rain began
my chest is not heavy
it's empty
hollow enough for the wind to knock me down
and my head is heavy enough for me to stay down
i'm in the kinda mood
where i wish i could disappear as quickly as the rain

loving you means keeping my mind free at night
because nighttime is when you make me wonder
make me wonder how many stars had to die for us to see this sky tonight
make me wonder how i can be living a life so beautiful
so beautiful because i can hear your thoughts
because i can hold your hands
because i can hold a place in your heart
because a kiss can make me forget
forget the blue girl who spends her days wasting away
forget how slowly night comes
but i can wait
and i have waited
waited for warm silences
waited for the stars to fall
waited for the moon's soft song
waited for empty rooms to be filled with dreams once broken
when the sun begins to stand
i can walk away
walk to a bed less empty
because the memory of you is close by
i can rest without fear
because loving you makes me wonder
what was so scary before

anyone with a half mind could clearly see that my hypersexual facet
is nothing more than an halfwitted attempt to feel what it is to be alive again
forever chasing a high i could never recreate

an idle heart is a factory for poor decisions

i miss the warmth of being held in your arms
i miss the echo of your chest above my ears
i miss the thud of your heart beneath my head
i miss tickling your neck with my breath
i miss your attention
but i don't miss you
you
could be anyone else
and i'd get the same buzz
i loved your attention
more than i could ever love you

surely you knew
that for the kind of men you know
a reputation is as good as consent

why is it now when i grasp your hand

you don't squeeze back

as if you're scared

scared i'll shatter in your grasp

you never seemed so concerned

before

why do i want to go back
back to being afraid
back to fast steps as my feet reach the stones
back to the burning of my lungs
back to the breeze sweeping petals to my hair
i'm hoping i have enough control
i'm hoping i'll embrace the warmth of summer nights
i'm hoping i won't reach ocean waves
i'm hoping i'll stop
stop at the edge
stop and stand
stand with teary eyes
teary eyed but that's just fine

she's either blazing like a flame
or lying on the ground
like the charred remains
of
something
once
great

i’ve gone and designed myself into a commodity
made myself perfectly consumable
and i’ll let you consume every bit of me

i was tired
and so i slept
i slept
and slept
till i woke on my own
and then i slept some more
until i couldn't anymore
but i was tired still
i dressed myself anyway
and went to school
my eyes were heavy
as were my arms
and legs
and head
i dragged myself about
quite like a corpse
or perhaps a puppet
though i was not the puppeteer
for i don't recall raising my hand
or moving my mouth
but i do recall what i heard
i heard myself say
"i'm too tired to speak
too tired to eat
too tired to think
and too tired to sleep"
yesterday i was tired
today i am tired
tomorrow i will be tired
i will stay tired
because
because when i say i am tired
i do not mean i need a nap
i do not need sleep
trust me i have slept
and slept
but i don't wanna sleep my life away
i am tired because...
well i'm not sure why

i want moments to remember
when i'm old and frail
i want photos to show
to my children and their's
i want the story of
you
&
i
to be told long after it's end