i'm sorry
i know it wasn't meant to be like this
i wasn't meant to feel more
more than butterflies
more than a rush
more than lust
i know i messed up
i know i got greedy
i know
and i'm sorry
sorry that i loved you
sorry that i felt beyond
beyond a small backseat
beyond your navy sheets
beyond late night meets
i'm sorry i felt more
more than you would match
i'm sorry

can you tell my mother loved the way I cried as a child?
can you tell my father loved how few and far between my words were?
can you tell i was loved for all the things i couldn't help?
that being loved felt like being mocked
when you look at who i am today
can you see the child i tried so desperately not to be?

you think it’s fun i’m crazy
but you just don’t get it
i’ll drive myself insane before you
and i’m not always fun
sometimes i’m scary
but in a scared for me than of me way
scared i’ll burn my life down just to feel the warmth
and i’m scared you might get caught in it

time and time again
i catch myself attracted to
good for nothing potheads
small time criminals
boys with daddy issues
(sometimes even mommy issues)
boys that don’t want to be better while i’m around
boys that want to dig themselves deeper
boys that’ll be better for a girl that matters
and i’m just not that girl

growing up ***** for many reasons
one that breaks my heart more and more everyday
is realizing my parents are not the monolithic people i've always seen them as
as a child it was easy to be hurt
to be mad at my mom for her mistakes
to be sad about my dad's short-comings
and then i grew to understand that their personal trauma and triumphs permeated every part of their parenting
and when i was younger it was easy to be hurt
now being hurt feels juvenile

i promise you’re not the only one upset
but despite how much i want to hold your hand
and how much i want to feel every bit of you pressed against me
i can’t help feeling like tearing away my skin
and clawing off your fingerprints from my bones
i just can’t bare to feel the weight of your touch
even the lightest lingers
and i’m scared your touch might never leave me
and i couldn’t handle being haunted
by someone walking around touching someone else

someone told me i behave passively
that i move with the flow
as though nothing can touch me
but it’s just how i behave
a crutch
coping mechanism
a funny little way to say i live inside myself
keep the turmoil in my head
feel the hurt inside myself
and behave passively

i hate when i start doing well again
when i manage to get out of bed again
manage to go to class again
when i start eating more than one tiny meal again
start going to the gym again
when it gets easier to pull myself out the shower again
easier to say no again
i hate when i start doing well again
because i catch myself falling for it time and time again
catch myself believing i’m not just doing better
but that i am better
and that i can finally stay better

i hate you

i hate the way you smile to yourself like the world inside your head is constantly better than the world with me in it

i hate the way you tap along to silent beats as if your ears are flooded with better melodies than my voice

i hate the way you roam these halls as if you're looking to float away from me

i hate the way you fill your notebook with tales where you're the sole heroine as though i'm not here as well

i hate the way you make me wanna be selfish

making me want to busy your mind with me

making me want to be what you smile to yourself about

making me want to hold you down so you can't tap along to the beat of someone else's heart

making me want to hold your hand like an anchor because you can't leave just yet

making me want to write a world in which it's you and i against the odds

making me want to paint over your heart so no one else can find it

i hate loving you

because loving you is far too consuming

because loving you seems so single sided

because loving you means loving a ticking time-bomb
ticking away until you finally disappear
and you tell me it's not me you're looking to leave
but if that were true
you'd think you'd invite me to disappear as well


i hate that i love you