i think i'm being haunted
don't know what else to call it
can you be haunted by a living ghost?

the other day i was testing markers
at the public library
flipped over a scrap page of paper
and there was the name of a former lover

then today i was bouldering
and guess who i saw
a former lover finishing a route
one i hadn't even attempted to try

tomorrow i'll be buying chai
at the local trattoria
and i'll look up and a former lover
will be passing by on the street

i'm not in love with this ghost
but i might look into getting an exorcism
just for the fun of it

remember the fog?
texted you at six am:
"picking u up in ten"
always had to text you first
try not to think about that
it always made me sad

it's alright
we had fun
walking in dew-drop fields
started to rain
we hid under that tree
the one that looks like a jack johnson album cover

thermos in a tote bag
filled with steaming water
holy water
chamomile tea
two mugs sitting on a log
preparing for communion

one was clay
the other was glass
both so very breakable
you and i remain
strained in origin
peaceful in present

hell, i'm doing so well
getting sleep
eating vegetables
running on the treadmill
finishing my homework
staying off my phone

so why do i feel kind of numb?
why do i dream of nothing and
why does this food have no taste and
why can't i catch my breath and
why haven't i talked to my friends in days and
why do i want someone to punch me

i feel so sick
energy drinks every morning
throwing up every night
looking at my figure in the mirror
blisters on my hands
words caught in my throat

would you like to hear a secret?
i liked you. liked you on and off for years
new york, model un, this year
it was the proximity
i needed to feel like somebody gave a ****
i am sorry for telling you with my eyes and
i am sorry for not telling you with words
your smile, your laugh
the way you hurt me sometimes
oblivious to the fact that
your opinion mattered.

and now i read this,
reflecting upon the aftermath.
you told me the words i wanted to hear
but out of necessity, not want.
you have taken the small secrecy of my
emotion away from me and i
cannot forgive you for that sin.

******* i'm a fool
for thinking that drinking those
cups of coffee
would **** the swarm of moths
that are living in my head
the coffee
it hydrates those bugs
they grew and flew out of my mouth

"******* i'm sorry for assuming that
you would want to hear about my day"
those moths forming words
will tear at your fondness
your reassurances remind me of the times
i slapped bandaids on gaping wounds
it won't make it better
but at least you don't have to look at it

******* turn off your lights
i'll turn mine on and they can flock
around me
i don't care if they eat my clothes
as long as they don't eat yours
they rip at my self worth until
i'm stripped to the bones
pour me another cup of coffee, will you?

tired so tired
i want to sleep forever
dear god
maybe i won't wake up

not yet go to bed
wake up for the sunrise
for the bitter coffee
drowned in sugar packets

wake up for friends
who may not know what they need
people are relying on you
don't let them down

you are the shade of green
that i describe to my friends
she's like springtime
with smiles they shake their heads
used to my tired verses

god i mean it though
a breath of fresh air
whenever you look at me
or brush your hand against mine
the first signs of warmer weather

i am a shade of grey
cold and uninteresting
the winter provides none
but gratefulness for spring
wish i was warmer

not enough time
god it's going by too fast
can't count the days
count the weeks instead.

years pass as you complaisantly count
too busy worrying about wasted time
to do anything
worth living for.

the impact
words said quietly
emotion deafening

the aftermath
the explosion was violent
knocking me off my feet

the reflection
lying in bed
hearing impaired

the healing
heart impaired
head impaired

the result
shorter hair
sharper kindness

the apology
no thanks
i'm fine without you

my dear,
can i call you that?
it's not applicable, but carries weight
our fingertips no longer touch
our mouths no longer smile
too full of vows left unsaid

let me say them now
i loved you
i loved you and i felt trapped by you
not by a fault of yours
the desert was calling
i could not resist

you know how i am
forever chasing the sun
i think i may have gotten too close
the wax on my wings is burning
bringing you down with me
sorry

© 2021 benedict