light shapes dance across the tapestries,
illuminating Mother Kali's face
in the veil of darkness for a short second.
the red sky tints the room,
and reminds me I can not give blood
because of my tattoos
and of the minutes I lost today,
because of netflix.
Beezus stirs a bit by me
and tells me he loves me
in a sleepy murmur.
the glow of my phone keeps him Kali-lit.
he probably will not remember in the morning
if I answer back-
but still I curl behind him,
my tongue- withdrawn behind my teeth,
my lips planting destructionless dreams in his neck,
my ten arms- free of weapons,
and full of him.
and I whisper
"I love you, too."

Don't try and save me.
Thousands have tried and failed,
watched disappointingly,
each time I've derailed.
Don't set of shore and raise the sails.
Im drowning,
Sinking in a sea of what could have and what should have been
There is no life boat strong enough to take back the things I've seen
withhold my weighty heart.
my soul is anchored in the the darkest parts,
The murkiest waters.
It is held down in the depths
of despair
Save your own sons and daughters.
Im a wasted rescue mission.
Throw down your ammunition
i have enough to tear myself apart.

your words tear flesh
but

your lips look so tender
while you berate
&
taunt

your stare chills to the bone
but I'm convinced a twinkle
exists in that
stare somewhere

and that smile makes me more
weak in the knees than that frown,
but either way
I'm a willing victim

It would be okay if I
just despised you,
yet I drink to a
thorned rose-
I feel at home in
the depravity

I close my eyes and I
can't help but to think
about how you look
with your hair let down

I woke up late today and
looked in between my sheets
Hoping to meet the
Corners of the body I loved too much
And too often hid myself underneath.
The safety of your sleep
So close
Pulling the universe inside of me.
I couldn't find you
Did you leave again?
I made the bed that is now to big for me
Evening out the
Wrinkles of your space
Only to find a receipt
And a thumb tack that fell behind the side table.
I put it in my pocket
And allowed the cool air to
Bite my lungs
As I stared at the tapestry you hung for me
Because I was too short to reach.
(I could never reach.)
Where did you go?
I checked underneath the hanging sheet
Longing to meet the arms
I lost too easily in the night
The familiar comfort of your warmth
Slowly extinguishing itself
From me.
I opened the window
Inviting the sun to fill the space
Of my empty room
But the clouds slipped in and
Lingered in your chair
Behind the door that
I can no longer sit in.
Where are you hiding?
I ran downstairs with a handful of creamer
To make coffee for two
Only to find the mugs we shared
Were already used.
Will you be back?
I looked outside hoping to meet you
And forgive you for your temporary absence.
The safety of you I took for granted
My desperation to touch you
And keep you safe
And comfort you
And hold you
Slowly paralyzing the uneven beats
Of my swelling heart.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry
I didn't mean it, I take it back.
I understand.
I wish I knew.
Will you be back?
But as it turns out
I woke up early enough
To say good bye
Instead of good morning
And good luck
As the sun came in
And buried itself underneath
The salty dunes dusted around the corners
Of my eyes
That could no longer find you.

And you keep mistaking the silence for love,
Dear heart, breathe,
He isn't him anymore..