the most heartbreaking thing of all is that I watched myself fall apart

I looked in the mirror and slowly didn't recognize this sad girl
I couldn't find myself
the monsters in my head kidnapped me
I wanted you to save me
so bad

but I felt you forgetting me
forgetting us
so I stayed kidnapped
and slept

you got mad
because I needed to get out of bed
but when I would say, "I can't"
why didn't you understand the cry for help?

even though the pain is in my head
doesn't mean it isn't real to me

I see you smiling and singing
when I always wanted you to sing to me

and by the time I woke up from the long night of fighting demons
you had already left
your body remained
so you thought with it

I felt like a *****
my boyfriend had his fingers in me and around my neck
while I held my head in my hands pleading for the bad thoughts to go away
you would hit your head too
as if it felt like it was poisoning your life

you made me feel like I was crazy
and I think I might be

this is what I've been so afraid of
the monsters in my head that kidnapped me

were me

sometimes when my mind hides under the darkest clouds
i wish we had drown
that night we fell asleep
together in the bath tub

so in love
we had no idea what pain was
we had no idea
of the storm that was coming

you have the most delicate touch
the most intriguing mind
and i feel my grip on reality
struggling to cope under the beauty of them both

why do people cut?
because they have felt so much
so many emotions
it becomes overwhelming
they begin to feel nothing
that's when cutting begins to appeal
because they are so desperate to feel something
anything other than happiness
the easiest feeling to create is pain
it is the only way to replicate what that feeling was before the silence
so why not do it right there in front of you
where you will be constantly reminded of some sort of feeling
that same type of feeling that put you there in the first place
sort of like a drug
self harm is a drug
and babe i don't feel anything

Last week if you asked me who I looked up to the most in the world, I would have told you my sister

But I saw her eyes scan her body
and watched the tears well up in her eyes as she would say
"I just hate being alone"

You don't get to pick your family
so God surrounded me with the mentally unstable
i joined the club, but it's okay
i fit in well

I told her she will not be alone forever
but her stubborn nature will not allow that

I see her pain and i watch her struggle
Mom, Dad, Mom, Dad

why does she resort to drugs i would ask?
when i should have been asking what could be better

this is a stage, this is a stage
who am i looking up to anymore?
she is who i vowed not to become

i don't like her very much anymore
every hug is accompanied by the smell of marijuana smoke
and every car ride is accompanied by that stupid boy

I am a year older now

My eyes now scan my body and i ask, "Why am i alone?"

"You're beautiful baby girl, don't let it get to your head" my mom would say
and a day later, "*******, you can go live with your father" would come out of her beautiful mouth i once admired so deeply

she is still beautiful
she is so ugly

I'm sorry Rachel I'm sorry
will you come get me?
I want to get away, too.

I admire you again
I understand your pain
what kind of a ****** up situation is this?!

WHAT DO I DO

i will not do what you did, no
i have learned a lot from you, sister

and i will appreciate you for that forever
always my role model

My sister isn't very sad anymore
I knew all along she was in a stage
so i continued to love her like i should have

She found love
and love, he is
and love her body, i do
she does
he does

How did she do this for so long
and stay so strong
with nobody there to hold her hand, like i am privileged

I will not do drugs, not very much anymore, at least
the escape is amazing
the high sends me away from the *******
so i will get away with you, sister
because i understand you now

i am 2 years older

i may be sad
i am sad
but i have you always

2,000 miles away
or 1 inch

It scares me to think another human being
can make your mind work backwards

But I can never un-know the truths of my mother's past
or un-see the scars of my sisters present

So I sat there wondering when my time will come, wondering
who will be the one to manipulate my mind to work backwards

so I hope you can understand why
sometimes I expect you to do your worst, while you continue to give me reasons to expect your best

Because, sister, you are the best

and do understand
i can see that

can you?

you give me this feeling in my chest sometimes
where i know that i need to cry
and my stomach is telling me i will
but no tears can come out
and so the feeling just lingers
until you say something that makes it go away
and i'm too afraid to tell you you're doing this
so i pretend to accept what you are saying
and cry myself to sleep instead

I know that my writing is the most beautiful
when my pillow has soaked up my tears
when my breathing is staggered
and my throat hurts from trying to hold back

but who really cares about a beautiful poem

now i'm just depressed
and useless

"I felt bad that you couldn't see the pretty view from your hospital bed."

"But I had you as the view... and you're pretty."

in your eyes
i saw serenity
the lyricism to finding home
without you i'd be empty
a writer without words

he practically fell into your life with no indication

you didn't even know a "him" existed until he showed up at your door

and now you think that because he's gone it's the end to it all

you think you want HIM back but what you really want is the FEELING he used to give you

but he can't give you that feeling anymore

things changed

and now you have to go FIND that feeling in somebody else

"someone like him doesn't just come along every day, you're not going to find someone who will treat you better than he will"

i guess i better start looking

i pray that today
you will read my words and concern

i will write happy, i will mostly write sad

we both know there is a dark spot in my mind
surrounded by the light you have created

but you are the reason for my happy words

and the inspiration for my sad
because you are that contrast

-

i pray that tomorrow
you will read my words and smile

i will write happy, i will write sad

we both know there is a dark spot in my mind
surrounded by the light you have created

but you are the reason for my happy words

and the inspiration for my sad
because you are that contrast

-

i pray that next month
you will read my words and be proud

i will write happy, i will write sad

we both know there is a dark spot in my mind
shrinking into the light you have created

but you are still the reason for my happy words

and the inspiration for my sad
because you are that contrast

-

i pray that in a couple years
you will read my words and reminisce

i will write happy, i will write sad

we both know there was a dark spot in my mind
emerged by the light you created

you are the reason for my happy words

and still the inspiration for my sad
because you are that contrast

-

i pray that in the future
you will still read my words

what would i write, what would i write?

we both know there was once a dark spot in my mind
unsure if that has endured
tripled in size
or simply non-existent
perished by the light you have created
or the light you have substituted for dullness

will you be the reason for my happy words?
if any remain?

or have you truly inspired my sad
because you went from black and white
to simply black

-

i pray that you would not continue to read my words...
...out of pity

i would write sad, i would write sad

we both know my mind would be dark
pitch black
a lack of light

i would have run out of happy words

because there would be nothing but sad
filling the empty holes
you have dug with your absence

everything is black

i wanted to tell you i loved you
but the butterflies in my stomach swarmed my throat
and all the words got caught in their wings

don't fall in love with me
i will fill your lungs with poetry
air so dense with words

that breathing only hurts

silence
i will fill you with silence, too

on my lips
you will taste
words i never spoke
but never recognizable enough to distinguish
these words left unspoken

notes
between the pages of your books
and hidden underneath your mouse pad
you will find

poetry

more words

followed by more silence

i am
a complex mixture of silence
and poetry
i will say too much through silence

and i, darling,
will surely **** us both if you ever fall in love with me

everything people find beautiful about me
is untrue

at least in my eyes

One boy says he wants to **** the freckles off my face
but in reality its skin damage which seems to have engulfed the human race
with these girls sitting in sun ovens
coming out smelling like a burnt person

why is it in the 5th grade boys didn't like my freckles
and now the internet is obsessed with something i hated about myself

why is it that all of my pain turns into someone's romantic story

having a good memory isn't all it's made up to be
yes i can remember most wifi passwords i've entered
every lyric to a song that i've heard more than 5 times
quotes in movies after hearing them once
secrets people told me in the 1st grade
throwing a flower into the casket of my late grandmother

yes i remember all of these pointless facts
maybe i'm good at winning arguments
but in reality i use all of this clutter
to cover up what i really want to hide
not from you
but myself

because some things we cannot forgive
no matter what we learn over time

us humans have trouble forgetting
and then there's this depression i feel every day
holding me in bed
i feel like i'm trapped in the warmth
because when i get up
all i expect is disappointment
and sadness

do you have any idea what that even feels like?
you post all of these stupid depression quotes

when in reality
i don't think you understand
because if you were REALLY depressed
you wouldn't want anyone to know you're hurting

no one could understand the hole in your chest that isn't visible
the constant sickness that shows no symptoms

and the idea that you can just "get up and get over it"

there is NOTHING romantic about considering PULLING the wheel in the direction of the water there is nothing POETIC about wondering how much pain you would feel
if you cut up the stream, not across the river

there is nothing beautiful about mental illness
and no one will understand that

unless they find the day
where they're laying in bed
and they would rather dream of flying
and casting spells on our enemies
than dream of becoming someone significant

where in reality its 3:30 pm and you've been asleep for 14 hours

but that doesn't matter does it?
because in this fake dream i feel better than my real life

so why not turn the dark world i call being asleep
(which is lighter yet than the one i walk in)
into an everlasting dream

where one does not have to wake up after 14 hours of nothing
and instead stays asleep, in that dark world that will eternally be better

than the one you have been living in
all this time

sinking further and further into your embrace
i closed my eyes

content in the thought of drowning

"To be honest, I embarked on the impossible journey of trying to get through to someone numbed by depression and anxiety that aye, things can get better if you don't give up

that ship sailed about a year ago

been on it ever since"

i miss you

please talk to me

come back babe

what happened to promises

you lied to me

we planned on forever

i thought you loved me

you said you would never leave

what about us?

is this the end?

why does it have to end like this

please don't do this

baby please

stop talking like that

don't hurt me

baby you're hurting me

what are you doing???

ouch baby!


...


**is it someone else?

"his hands were like claws and I was the prey..."
struggling to break free but forced to stay

her vision had blurred with the tears of distress
she shielded her collar to try and suppress

his grasp only tightened with every endeavor
she would not be escaping for what seemed like forever

his hand had found a place that should not have been touched
a friendly invitation overtaken by lust

with all the fight in her she resisted and kicked
only to find that her arms, he'd restrict

she let out a whimper while he started the car
he parked near her street, where house was not far

weak from assault she was faced with a choice
she made an agreement in a trembling voice

"I promise you next time" he made her confirm
but the part he left out was the trust she must earn

dissatisfied by the pleasure he failed to achieve
a clutch on her neck would prevent her to leave

a painful half hour has now gone by,
she's had time to think and she knew she must lie

an agreement was made to perform another time
and she'd keep her lips sealed on this sickening crime

cleaning her face the girl stumbled inside,
there wasn't any masking the amount she had cried

her mother was working and her father not around,
she let out a sob and she dropped to the ground

she would tell no one, for she was ashamed
and her heart was too big to let the boy be blamed

black and blue would surface within the next day
but those are only colors which will soon fade away

distinguishable handprints, as clear as can be
bruises outlined in white, each finger you can see

but her lips remained sealed for far too long
for the bruises would heal as the days moved along

i saw you yesterday, but i did not see you today
therefore, it is okay to say i miss you like crazy

I walked into a gas station
wearing high wasted shorts and converse

curious if there was restroom,
i asked the man
he stared at the collar of my low cut shirt

"Outside."

"Where?" i questioned
i lowered down to where my eyes would lock with his
carrying his gaze up with mine

he pointed behind him
eyes fixed on my chest

"thank you" i said
grabbing the key off of the counter
never once looking away
to keep his eyes in contact with my eyes
and not my *******

i turned to go out the door
a window to my right
a man on the other side

i can feel his gaze as i walk
i stop in my tracks, turning the direction of the stare
only to find
a weak smirk and an intricate scan of my body

and though i stop, the scan would continue

around the corner, i kept staring back
where i assumed the complicated angle would stop him

180 degrees
just to get a good look at my ***

what a pig

i left the key in the bathroom,

i will not go back in

i could be a little bit too into this love thing
after all, i'm only _ right?*

no

i am in love
and i couldn't have fallen harder

and if somehow i have made a mistake
i'm taking your *** down with me

I guess you could call it poetic how by the age of 12 I had no recollection of what happiness tasted like on my tongue. Some would say it was tragically beautiful.
But it was not poetic, nor was it beautiful,  but it was tragic. It was so very, very sad, and that sadness is only doubled now that people see sorrow as glorious.  It is not glorious. It is not strength. It is a lump of iron in your chest and stomach and it eats you from the inside, out and you have no right to think that blood stained wrists are anything other than tragic. So very,  very tragic.

as the daylight fades to sunset
i will fumble for your hand in the silence
your embrace in the dark

we laid there
your skin against mine
i closed my eyes
waiting for my lungs to align their breathing
with the beating of your heart

i don't know what you were thinking
falling for a girl with a broken heart
and a broken mind
thinking we could fix it together